Medical school teaches you a hundred ways to keep you from death.


But they don't tell you a single way to keep on living.















I can't fucking do it anymore.

Just another piece of the string

So I guess as I leaving school for ever, I feel it is of course cliché and necessary to write a blog about leaving school.

For me, and I suppose just like everyone, school has had its ups and downs. But of course it has because school has been my life for the past twelve years. The majority of my time and energy has been spent on school and learning for over a decade. When I think of my life, all I seem to see is school. Some of the earliest memories that I have are of school and I can say with certainty every memory I have is somehow linked to school; whether it be on the school holidays I did this, or with my school friends I did that. Even if some of the things I have done have not been directly linked to school, school has always been a constant backdrop of my life; always there in the background, sometimes coming forwards and other times being forgotten. But even when it was forgotten, school has always been there.

And now that feeling of school is disappearing. That brick wall that has always been there no matter what is going to be knocked down. As of tomorrow morning at about 10:30am. I have… mixed feelings about this. I have never been one to take comfort or feel security in the fact that I have constant things in my life, such as school. I have always craved changed and hated it when I fall into a pattern of doing something, no matter what it is. And school has been much the same pattern of my life for the past 12 years. So quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I needed change long ago so this suddenly different lifestyle that I will get from leaving school will be met gladly on my behalf.

One thing that everyone feels they must do is look back on their “journey” so to speak. I look back on mine with many different feelings. Yes, I have done some amazing things and I have done some not so great things. But you know what? I do not regret a single thing that I have done. I have mulled over this thought for several days now, trying to come up with something that I regret doing. But nothing presents itself. Sure, if I were to do some things again I wouldn’t do them the same way. And yet I still don’t regret doing them the way I did them. My life has been far from perfect but I have managed to work with what I had. I worked with the situations, with my own limitations, with both mine and other people’s choices and consequences. Perhaps I did not make the very best of what I had, but still, I have just as many good memories and bad memories. And I guess, as I said in my last ever English oral, in the end it really does all comes down to how you wish to view your journey. And me being the person who I am, I will always look more on the things that I enjoyed, rather that the bad things. So even though it has not been easy, I think I shall always look back on school with fond memories.

I want to share with you a feeling that I had the other day at the reflection day. I looked up at the powerpoint and there on the screen were the words: “FAREWELL GRADUATING CLASS OF 2010” and I had a strange feeling. Something inside me let go, stopped holding onto whatever I had been holding onto before. I think that was the moment that I accepted the idea that I was leaving and never coming back, that I would never experience school life again. So for me I have already left behind school and have already moved onto the next part of my life.

I say ‘the next part of my life’ with certain sarcasm I guess. I know that everyone talks about life as being in stages, but in all reality, life is one continuous strand, with a beginning and an end and everything in between. It seems to be human nature to separate life into sections and so based on that feeling, I have often found myself feeling like when I leave those school gates tomorrow, the world will stop for a split second to mark the end of one part and the beginning of another. But I’ve realised that it will not be like that. I will continue on walking out those gates and home and then on to schoolies and then later to university. Life will keep on going until all I have is faded memories of school and what I did there. That is how our life is, and everyone who you see on the street would have once before gone through leaving school. I am not the first person to do it, nor will I be the last. I am just one of the millions who have already done so and still lived on much the same. So in all reality, leaving school is not such a definite ending of something and beginning of another. I find it slightly ironic that everyone who talked tonight spoke about conclusions and openings . Because it is not like that, life is not like that. It keeps going forward, whether you are at school or not. There is always more future to look forward to, more past to look back on, and more present to enjoy.

So enjoy it I did, as I stood waiting at the side of the hall tonight looking over all of the tables. I knew that this night would never come again so I made the most of it. But then, one moment is never like any other. We talk about things being constant and in a regular pattern, but they aren’t really. “Just like the poem, life is also inconsistent and rarely follows a true pattern.”

To finish, I wish to leave you with an excerpt from the poem that I chose to do for my English oral, entitled The Road Goes Ever On and written by JRR Tolkien. I won’t deconstruct it for you so you can take from it what you will. But for me, this poem symbolises a lot of our journey and portrays it in a slightly different way, which really makes all the difference.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

The Reason

Lately, I have been having trouble blogging.
Well no, not lately, all year really.

I blogged a lot last year. And I think I know the reason why. I wanted you all to see a person. A certain person who I created. A person who I wanted to be. But I’ve realised that that person is not me. I only wanted to hide behind that person because I was too afraid of who I really was. I was craving change and that new person, that mask, gave me that change.

But I guess in the end that change did not satisfy me. So I have gone back to being the girl who tells no one her secrets, who keeps it all bottled up inside and only lets the cork off the bottle when she is alone and not in danger of anyone asking her that dreaded question: “Are you alright?”

I guess I don’t want to tell you my secrets for a number of reasons. First, relating indirectly to my Owl’s blog, that I do not want to do things to get praise. I do not want to do things to get attention or recognition. Like I have described to Fabio once, every secret thought, every secret action becomes a shining jewel. Every good thing that I do that goes unnoticed becomes a gemstone that I can put away in my treasure box and admire when no one else is around. I won’t tell you how full my secret box is. That is, in a way, taking a jewel from my box; but also I couldn’t tell you how full it is because I don’t know myself. But I do know that my precious gems give me hope and love and strength. Every little secret deed that I have done makes me stronger as a person. That is why I will never be in the limelight. That is why I will never be at the top. Because that would mean my treasures are all gone.

I will tell you this: it is hard. Hard to have you loving or hating me for someone who I’m not. Hard for you to never know who I really am. Hard to sit back and watch other people get the credit.

But I won’t deny it, as hard as it may be, I like who I am and I like the fact that none of you can truly say that you know me. Because that's just one more steel cable i have about myself as a person.

But you know what? I don’t care about these people. I don’t want to have a label. And I certainly don’t want to be any of these girls. Why should I have to explain to you who I am? I will be who I want to be, I will be who God made me to be and if any of you think me to be someone else then that’s not my business. That’s your own fucking problem. So screw you all.

[Exit stage]

This is how you say 'Thank-you'

Rip my earth in two with your mouth
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires
I never meant you any harm
But my tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm

But close my eyes for a while
Forced from the world a patient smile

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won

But I gave you all

Close my eyes for a while
Forced from the world a patient smile

But I gave you all

But you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won

Well now you've won
You'll never win.

I need you.







I need you.

That's what she said.

People change a lot in a few weeks.






I'm sorry.
You don't know how much I mean it.

[Nothing]

I'm sorry.

I dont think you realise how much I mean by this.





If you asked me, not that anyone did, the only words worth saying were I'm sorry.

Falling for something that doesn't exist.

I can now no longer speak to you.
I cannot see you.
I cannot talk about you.

I miss you. An awful lot.
But its more painful to be with you.
At least this way I can pretend that you do not exist.

I still cry. It doesn’t stop the tears.
It doesn’t completely stop the pain.
And it certainly doesn’t stop me thinking about you.

It’s not right.
It’s not supposed to be like this.
This is not supposed to happen.

Please, make it stop.

Is there a cure for this pain
Maybe I should have something to eat
But food wont take this emptiness away
Im hungry for you my love

Well I made it through another day
In my cold room
On scraps and pieces left behind
I survive on the memory of you

Am I Real?

“Real isn’t how you were made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

True epiphanies of the last few days

I’ve realised that a piece of paper will decide my life. A piece of fucking paper.
That small white thing, so easily broken, will either break me, or fill me with such happiness.. I don’t like that something so small and flimsy will be the most important thing of my life yet.

I’ve realised that in reality, I don’t care about me. Like I said, it doesn’t bother me if no one thinks about me, not even myself. Most of the time anyway. I want to think about others all the time; really I don’t want anyone to think about me. That would be a waste of time wouldn’t it? I don’t think this is something that anyone can understand.. but it’s how I want the world to be: that no one worries about me, not even myself. I don’t want to be a burden, not to anyone.

I’ve realised that I will always be myself. I will always be the same person with the same liver and the same belly button and the same voice box and the same nose. And that same me will shower in different showers and sleep in different beds and eat in different places. But no matter what changes around me, I will always be the same. My whole life I have been expecting change to happen, to myself. But I think I’ve reached that point where I wont be changing anymore. That same face will still look out from the mirror, everyday. Sure, things may change inside me and little things will change my appearance but I will still be the same collection of particles that I was right in the beginning, the same particles that I was two months ago, the same particles that I am right now. And I can feel some security in that fact. That no matter what changes, there is always something that doesn’t change. And that thought, it’s my safe haven.

I’ve realised that murderers can be forgiven. Everyone can be forgiven and I will forgive everyone. I knew this already but still, it had to be stated.

I’ve realised that there are so many things that don’t matter. It’s so easy to be tricked into thinking that they do matter.. but they don’t. The hard part is reminding yourself that they don’t.

I’ve realised that even though we all say that the world is changing.. it really isn’t. The essence of it is still exactly the same. They all say that kids are so much more into drugs than what they were; that people are more self-obessesed than what they used to be; that the world is a much more horrible place than what it was. In reality, it’s all still the same. Kids are just as much fucked up as what they have always been. A person’s image is still just as important to a 13th century woman as it is to a 21st century woman. The world has always been both good and bad. Humans are creatures of habit, and they enjoy the homey comfort of things staying the same. And things have stayed the same, generally speaking. And I don’t think that pattern is going to change.

Knowing is Controlling

I think in life we are left mostly to our own devices. We chose what our life turns out like in terms of our decisions, we are the ultimate masters of control.

But sometimes there are things that are beyond our control. Not many, just a few. Physical things like car crashes or tsunamis. Or mental things, things of our mind. Sometimes you just know completely and utterly that something is right. It’s not a decision that you can make or influence. Nothing you do can change it. I believe that everyone has at least one. Some have more than one. But many people don’t ever find this feeling. They are never able to be in the right place at the right time and so they go through life without ever discovering the hidden talent that lays inside them. Some might even believe they have discovered it but have instead been confused about what this feeling is supposed to be. And some are lucky enough to find it within themselves; those are the people who know what it is they have to do. Those are the people who know what they are good at or what it is that they were born to do. Those people know if something is wholly right.

What you do with that knowledge is of course another decision that you make. You can chose to act upon it or not, to leave it lie or tell the whole world; you are once again in control of your life. But the possession of that knowledge happens and nothing you can do will cause you to acquire it or forget it.

It comes from within. From within yourself you just know. Look deep inside and you may find it, if that is how it’s supposed to happen.

You will know that it is right.

So I guess what I’m asking is,
Is it right?

Draw Your Swords

See her come down, through the clouds
I feel like a fool
I aint got nothing left to give
Nothing to lose

So come on Love, draw your swords
SHOOT me to the ground
You are mine, I am yours
Lets not fuck around

Cause you are, the only one

I warn you against thinking for even a moment that this is what I want.
But what say do I have?
I've tried. Fuck, did I try. But you know what?
Maybe it's right.


Maybe Not.

I'm Lying Through My Teeth

I'm lying to you. Right now, I'm lying my pants off. I want to tell you the truth.
But I don't want to hurt you either.
So instead I'll hurt myself and lie to you.
But it's lies.
All of it.

So what I'm really thinking right now? What I really want to say to you?
No, I don't think it's worth it.
Yes, I am thinking of someone in particular.
Yes, I can tell you what to do: give up.
That's what they all say.
No, we do not agree.
You are persuing the impossible.
It's not worth this.



Et moi? Avez-vous me voir?







What a silly question.

Beware

It's that time of year again.
I just hope it doesn't hit anyone, me especially, as hard as it hit last year.
I can't screw it up. I have no room for error.
Not a single inch.

It's all about me

Lately, I have written a few blogs.
I haven't posted them for a number of reasons.

But the main reason I haven't posted them is because they are all about me.

I am not the only person in the world.
I have everything that anyone could ever wish for.

So I should hardly complain about a few things in my life that aren't even worth complaining about.

So I'm going to stop.
Stop complaining,
And stop thinking about myself.

I'm not the only fucking person who has problems.. And I don't even have problems.

I scrapped my knees while I was praying

I am a person for others.
I don’t think you realise how many fucking times I have put others before myself. You know that if it came down to you or me, of course I would always choose to make you happy before myself. It’s just who I am. If I was being perfectly honest, something that I rarely am when it comes to these things, I don’t think that I know another person who thinks of others before themselves as much as I do. I always do it. Sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I can’t help it. Sometimes it’s the only thing I want to do.

And yet every time that I truly, truly want to put others before myself,
I’m told I'm just not good enough.




Maybe I’ll just stop trying.
Maybe I’ll just become another self-centred, disgusting little brat that only thinks about myself, just like so many other people in this world.
Maybe I’ll just give up all together.
Because trying to do my best only seems to end up leaving me hurt and disappointed.
And I guess it’s just not worth it.

You have no say;

I’m not going to do it.

Perhaps it seems to me these days that I’m not sure about much. But I am sure about this.
Ok, I don’t have to give you a reason why.
Trust me, I have lots of reasons why not. I’m just not going to share them with you that's all. You don’t really need to know. For you it isn’t a life changing thing; it certainly isn’t going to change you in any way.
But it will change me.

These days it seems like I can’t be who I want to be. I can’t do what I want to do. I have to be so careful; I can’t lose control. I can’t be free. There is always something else stopping me from doing just about anything. It seems like I’m just being swept along with no power over which direction I am travelling. At least I have control over this.
At least I can say no, I am not going down that path.

It doesn’t hurt me to say no.
At least not as much I'm sure it would if I said yes.
And I would prefer to feel nothing at all than feel pain.

This isn’t about you. For once, this is about me. Totally and utterly about me. So for once I am not obliged to worry about someone else’s feelings. If anyone ever did their best to make others happy before themselves, it was me. But this time it’s about me. And the only person I am obligated to is myself. So I am making myself happy.

And that one word,
‘No’
that is what will make me happiest.
Maybe not happy. But the happiest I can be with this.

So I am not going to do it.

Up There on the Stage

I think Stanaslavski got the whole drama thing down pat.

See, he invented these categories that together made up his whole idea of ‘The Method’.

I guess a lot of the techniques involve your imagination. Like, the magic “if”. This encourages the actor to ask the question “what if?”. What if your characters mother died? What if they spilt their dinner? What if someone lied to them? How would your character act? It’s funny how the simple things like that make up who someone is. It’s funny how the way someone reacts to something is who that person is.

Or what about the technique of having belief in what you are doing? Stanaslavski said that an actor must believe in what they, what their character is doing. They must believe that that is how their character would react in real life.

And then there’s adaption. The ability to be so in character that if something unexpected happens on stage they can react to it just as their character would react.

I guess Stanaslavski challenged us to not just appear to be the character, but be the character themselves. To utterly believe that you are that character, inside and out. Use your own knowledge of life and your own emotions to become that character and not just convince the audience that you are that character but convince yourself as well.

Life is the same.

You make who you are. You can be whoever you want to be. Perhaps we are slightly limited by where we are which limits what things happen for us to react to but still.. we make who we are. I believe that every person is born as a blank canvas and as you grow older the picture grows. But it is you that has the paintbrush in your hand. And you control every single stroke that is made. We paint the picture according to what we see and what we hear.

You say you have no control over your emotions?

Yes, you do.

You can do whatever you want to if you put your mind to it.

The trick is to be able to see yourself. Inside and out.

And make sure you aren’t painting the picture with your eyes closed.

Oh, bother.

Something has been bothering me today.
That's normal I guess, things bother me all the time.

But this 'something' doesn't have a name this time.

If something bothers me, then I fix it.
But how can I fix something if i don't know what it is?






I think I've lost something. Where is it now,
I feel so alone without it,
Alone, all alone.




And as I sit here wallowing in self-pitty,
Taking God's time,
There are people dying,
people hurting.

I have nothing compared to that.






I guess I'm just not good enough.
But I'll do it anyway.






Cause I've seen love die
way too many times,
when it deserves to be alive.

And I've seen you cry
way too many times,
when you deserve to be loved.

I heard her talking about all of those beautiful places and sights that she had seen,






and I literally cried.
I had tears running down my face.








The moment I can,
I'm sorry but,
I'm out of here.

Today, it was suprising

Perhaps it was just not meant to be.















I am sorry none the less.

It's Not Over

And I’ve always live like this
Keeping a comfortable d i s t a n c e
And up until now I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Cause none of it was ever worth the risk




When I heard those things it broke my heart. You, you aren’t a person who should give up. Perhaps coming from me, who has given up.. But some people aren’t meant to give up.
And you are one of those people.

For me, it’s ok to give up. I don’t mind, I am happy to give up.
But you aren’t.
You are not happy and I can see that. Please don’t give up on it. It’s worth it for you. Not for me, but I am different from you.

Please, just don’t give up.
It doesn’t suit you.

I won't let you be denied

I want to
Reconcile the VIOLENCE in your heart
I want to
Recognise your beauty is not just a mask
I want to
Exorcise the demons from your past
I want to
Satisfy the undisclosed desires
IN YOUR HEART.

It's good to tell someone.
NO ... is the word of the day.
NO.






So it's all sorted.
And it turned out exactly how I planned. Really, it couldn't have gone better. I guess I could say, Thank the Lord.
Thank-you for not hurting me.

Nightmares

In the dream,
we were being our usual selves. Being silly, dancing, singing, not caring.

But then it changed.
The wind and rain came so suddenly we couldn’t get to safety. It just picked us right up and swept us away. Somehow I managed to keep myself from hitting anything. It was like I had control over where I was flying. When the wind finally stopped I hit the ground but got up fine and it was all ok.

Then they came to me.
‘Steph, you have to come,’ they said.
‘Steph, a decision has to be made,’ they said.
A decision about what? I wondered as I followed them inside but then I realised before I got there that I already knew.

I already knew but I didn’t want to see.
I didn’t want to see what I knew I was going to see and yet I knew I couldn’t avoid it.

There were people, our friends, crowding around, some of them crying, others just shocked. I forced myself to look past them.

And there you were. Lying on the ground, broken into a million pieces. Your legs were bent at odd angles and your bones were coming through the skin of your arms. The blood was running down your face and you were sprawled, unable to move.

I came closer to you and you looked up at me. Just looked at me. Your eyes weren’t full of the pain or terror that I expected. No, they were just calm like you had accepted that you were unable to be fixed.

And that’s when I broke too.


I don’t normally have vivid dreams. But this one was vivid. Too vivid.
I am just hoping it doesn’t reflect real life.

Know that I love you.
And I would never give you up for anything.
I would never accept that you couldn’t be fixed.

Insanity

They tell us we are doing too much. They say we need to learn how to say ‘no’ to something. They say they can see us burning out. They say these things to us but I wonder if they realise just how hard it is to say ‘no’ to things. To say ‘no’ to something that you have been doing for years. To try and do everything at once because each thing is too important to give up.

Yes, they have all been in year twelve before. They all know what it’s like. So I guess they should understand that although we are listening to them when they tell us we need to say ‘no’, we cannot do what they ask. When they were in grade twelve they could have been in the same situation, doing too many things at once. Perhaps they look back now and think that they could have done much better if they had of given up something. But I know that at the time they were in grade twelve they would not have been able to give up anything. And neither can we.

As a result, something suffers. I think deep down you chose what suffers, what you don’t do your best in. If you can’t give up any of the activities you’re in then you must give up something else. Some chose the easy one, school work, and as a result their marks suffered. Some chose the one that the teachers are telling us to give up: a part time job. They did work as many hours as they would have previously done. Some did actually give up some activities that they do, sport, choir or whatever.

I think I chose the hardest one to give up. The one that not many others chose to give up.
I chose to give up my time.
The time I have for myself. The time I have to socialize. The time I have to not worry about anything, the time I have to relax. The time I have for my family and friends.
I think in the end I went just as crazy as those who where under stress because they didn’t start their assignments straight away. Admittedly, I wasn’t that stressed about getting my assignments done. I knew they would be done on time. I wasn’t stressed because I didn’t have enough time because I had plenty of time. I made time.

I planned every minute of every day, right from day one. My plans didn’t include anytime to do nothing. Every single spare minute was devoted to school. I did not waste my time doing things that would not get me the OP score I wanted. I didn’t want to be under stress and not get the absolute best mark I could get in every subject so I used every second of my time towards it. I didn’t realise that I would go crazy anyway. Not having any time to myself meant my brain was constantly working. All I thought about was school. I overworked my brain to the point where it really couldn’t take it anymore. I would literally take about 30 seconds every night to get to sleep because I was just that exhausted. I couldn’t even use that time when you try to get to sleep to just think and do nothing because I didn’t have that time. I think me going crazy was my brain trying to say to me ‘Stop! I need a break!’.

Every time I cried it wasn’t because I was stressed that I wouldn’t get the mark I wanted. No, I cried because I had no time to stop. And it was driving me crazy.

I guess if you’re serious about year twelve, there is no avoiding going crazy. You’re going to go crazy no matter what. I think the trick is to chose the path that will make you go the least amount crazy. For me, that means giving up who I am so that I simply become what I do for school.

But you know what?
I’m willing to give myself up if it means in the end I get to do what I want to do.
Because I would give up everything I had if it meant I get to be what I want to be.

For me, it’s by far worth it.

Metaphorically Speaking,

I realise that I haven’t been blogging for a while. It’s not that I don’t have anything to blog about; I think of a hundred things a day to blog about! No, it’s that these days I don’t feel the need to write these things down. It’s not that I don’t have any problems in my life, quite the opposite really. I think I’ve just grown up a little to realise that voicing these problems isn’t going to make them go away. So I’ll just keep them inside.

I guess it’s saddening in a way because I did enjoy writing the insides of my mind to show other people how I thought, to let them into my mind and see who I am. But these days I just don’t have time to blog. Perhaps I could make time but the things I want to write I don’t feel are that important. So they stay snug and safe inside my head and I guess you will never know what they were.

Maybe it’s that I became afraid of writing everything down. Sometimes I felt that the moment I wrote something down about myself it became not part of me. If you share all you’re secrets then what’s left of you? Just a shell of who you are, a shell because everyone already knows every single thing that was once safe inside you. I suppose your secrets are like your own treasure. Once you tell someone that treasure becomes theirs and you can’t get it back. And once all your treasure is gone only the box that it was kept in is left. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

And besides I hate talking about myself all the time! I’m sure you aren’t interested :P

I am back though, even just briefly, because there is an issue that’s bothering me.

I guess I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice. So I won’t. It’s stupid and selfish and I refuse to let myself think that. I’m being ridiculous and immature and I will not let myself hurt anyone because of this. It’s just not going to happen.

I think I am writing this down to make sure that I don’t do this. I am determined not too and by writing it down I’m making my decision even more set in stone. I’m don’t now, it’s just that I can see that it’s not impossible for me not to.

I guess that’s just what I wanted to do.

Besides,
I’m not going to be a vegetarian.

So there.

Misguided Ghosts

I have a secret.
One that I won’t tell you.

Because it’s my secret.

I’ve kept this secret for a while now.
I’m afraid of telling you, in case you ruin it for me.

Perhaps I am selfish, keeping this secret.
But this secret is what keeps me alive. It keeps me sane when I am in danger of falling apart.
Which is why I’m scared in a way, to tell you this secret.
Because how can I be sure that when it’s no longer my secret, it will still continue to keep me alive?
I can’t know that, not unless I find out.

I guess i’m not going to find out.
Because the stakes, my sanity, are too high.

I may be sorry, that I’m not telling you.
But trust me, you would probably be better off not knowing.

You musn't worry.

You know I love you.
You are one of my best friends, in a different way.

I will support you in whatever you choose, because if it makes you happy then I am also happy.

Keep it from me, tell me, show me, surprise me.
Do what you want,
It won’t change the fact that

I love you.

Bibliography!

i chose to blog it because thats just a simple matter of copy and paste!


Smith, Deb et al. 2006, Chemistry in Use: Book 2, McGraw-Hill, North Ryde, NSW.

Stwertka, Albert. 1998, A Guide to the Elements, Oxford University Press, New York, pg. 99-100.



the second one is the book we borrowed from the library in case you forgot to write it down :)

DEARY DARLINGEST HUBBY!

i only have one question for you! the rest i figured out myself :D

did you work out the equations for Zn + Pb and Zn + Cu??
im thinking just make Zn react with O2 because the white stuff is ZnO and then just do the same for Pb making it PbO2 or whatever it is??

other than that
I AM FINALLY FRICKAN DONEEEEEEEE!!!
for chemisrty anyway.
ive finished english.
physics.. well lets not get me started.
maths.. i hope mr wagner doesnt mind me failing.
and drama. yeah, no.

but at least i shall have chemistry out of the way!

love,
your wifey

The Last Week

There are so many things going on at the moment. Everything is piling up, getting to the very core of you, breaking you down. You crack. You start leaking through the cracks. In essence, you cry. Or you leak through the cracks another way, and you snap at people.

Yesterday I was in the car with my best friend and my dad. Dad said something, something inconsequential that didn’t really matter. And I snapped at him. I totally tore his head off. Why did I do that? Under other circumstances, circumstances that did not include me putting so much pressure on myself, I would have handled it fine. But being under those circumstances I did not. I tell myself that it’s the stress, that’s my excuse. But it shouldn’t be my excuse. I don’t have an excuse for that sort of thing. There is no excuse for being horrible to a person. I need to stop.

I have decided that I don’t want it right now.
Really, I decided that I didn’t want it ages ago.
I suppose I just haven’t had enough time to dwell on this decision, for me to realize that it is how I really and honestly feel.
But now I am just telling you all.
I don’t want it.
And it lifts such a great weight from my shoulders.

Blissfully ignorant.
I chose to be blissfully ignorant. I could have chosen to find out. But I was scared about what I would find. So I was my choice not to know.
So when what I was avoiding was unexpectedly thrust in my face,
It shocked me.
It horrified me.
My world, already not perfect, was shattered and became something far from perfect. I didn’t want to know because I knew it would be bad. But it was worse than what I thought. Far worse.
Trust me, if you don’t know right now, keep it that way. Because not knowing is far better than knowing. And once you know, there is no forgetting.

I guess I did not realize how hard it would be to see your face again.
Just that small blurry picture,
And I was back there again.
I could stay there forever.
I didn’t know what was to come.

The Hammer and the Wig

People don’t know.
People don’t know anything.

The other day, I was talking to someone.
About something that he’d done, that he didn’t want to tell me.

“I’m not sure whether to tell you. I don’t want you to judge me,” he said.
“I wouldn’t judge you,” I replied, “I hate judging people. It’s not fair. It’s not right.”
“No, it isn’t fair to judge someone.” he said.

No, it isn’t.
But we all do it anyway. I don’t think we can help it.
Some people, well they almost deserve to be judged.
No, deserve isn’t the right word. I mean, that how they are judged is how they really are.

But other people, like the man who lived on the street because of trauma, they don’t deserve to get judged.
But they get judged anyway.

You can’t tell who a person is. You do not have a right to judge anyone. Because you don’t know what they are thinking, how their mind works, what situations they have been in before. You are not that person, so you cannot judge them.
The only person you can judge is yourself.
Because only you know yourself inside out, back to front.

Do you like what you see when you look at yourself, your actions, your thoughts?

I've Looked Everywhere

Once again I missed you.
You were sitting right next to me just as you always do.
But you weren’t there.

What have you done with her?
Where did my best friend go?
Whatever you did with her, you didn’t take her properly. Her body was still there. Just her spirit wasn’t.
Why didn’t you take all of her?
If you had of, it would have been less painful. I could at least pretend that she was ok somewhere. But because you left half of her there for me to see that she clearly was not ok. It was horrible, to sit there and watch her corpse and not being able to help her. Was that a punishment to me too? To stop me from being happy when I had only just begun to be so?
It worked.



I remember when she used to be like that, day in, day out. I remember when she wouldn’t remember simple things, when she would drift away to another planet, another planet full of pain. I remember how her eyes looked. I remember how she was hunched, curling into herself as if to make herself smaller. I remember how some things she said and did didn’t make sense. I remember her when she was crazy.



Please God, don’t go back to that. If anything in my life wouldn’t be fair, that would be it. I will not let you go back to that. Because if you did go back to that, I wouldn’t be able to help.

And that would kill me.

You can do it.
You can fucking do it.
If I can do it, then you can.
And I fucking love you.

Just as much as her.

Water & Energy

They are thoughts that I don’t even want to acknowledge, not even here.

So instead I will talk about something else.

I can see the tap, drip, drip, drip.
Not that long ago I would have gotten up to turn the tap off, because it was wasting water.
Not all that long ago, it was truly a miracle if it rained.

When I think about water, I think about pollution.
I think about all the polluted water, water that we can’t use anymore because it’s spoiled.
Did you know that there is a certain amount of water in the world?
And there has been that amount since the day of the big bang, or since God created the earth, whatever you want to believe in. The amount of water here has never changed, and never will be changed.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed.

The water is just constantly going around in a circle; evaporation, condensation, precipitation; it’s a constant cycle, one we all learnt in grade four.

So what happens when we start making some of this water unusable? When we dirty it so much and add so many oils to it that it can no longer be evaporated and used again in the cycle? Effectively we are “destroying” the amount of water on the earth. Because unusable water is no use to anyone, or anything.

There is another thing that there is only a certain amount of on this earth.
Energy.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed.

In the beginning, God only gave us so many thousands of millions of Joules to use and he said, “Use them how you will. But I will never give you the power to either create more, or destroy the ones you already have.”

I wonder how many other things there are in the world of which there is only a certain amount.
I guess in the physical world, there is no such thing as infinity.
Maybe there is no such thing as infinity, full stop.

Just because we haven’t found the end of something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

They say that there is infinity amount of decimal places in pi.
Really?
Or is it just that we haven’t yet found the end?

Just because a person says something is so, doesn’t mean it is.
Who is a human, to propose all of these precise laws about the world?
The more we try to understand, the more we have to understand.

If everything has a beginning and an end, then when is ours?
The more we use everything up, the less time we have to live.

I can't say anything else

I love you.


And that's all you need to know.

Dear, Friend

You know you’re a silly girl. Of course you’re not doing badly. Far from it. I think you’re problem is that you compare yourself to everyone else. Whether you believe you have done well or not is based upon how you have done compared to everyone else. But you really shouldn’t do that. Why do you compare yourself to everyone else? You are you, you can’t be anyone else. So what you get is your result, not anyone else’s. I know that you only see those people above you. The ones who are better than you. Why do you do that? Yes, it does get you to try and work harder. But I also know that sometimes it gets you down, disheartens you. You tell me it’s because you can’t be as good as them. That you try so hard to be as good as them. And I know you do. I can see that. But sometimes you just don’t get as good as them. To be honest, even if you can’t see it yourself, I can see that you hate people being better than you. Which is good in a way, it gets you to try your hardest. But sometimes you need to see that it is ok if people are better than you. You needn’t waste tears and happiness over it. Because you can’t be them. And they can’t be you. You are better than them at other things.

Think of me when you’re out,
When you’re out there.

Who do you try for? Yourself, you answer. Well I know that not to be true. When it comes down to it, you aren’t really trying for yourself. You are trying for your parents. You are trying for your friends. You are trying for your teachers. You are trying for your family. But what about trying for yourself? You try for these people because you believe that they expect you to do well. But I know that they don’t expect anything of the sort from you. All they want is for you to be happy. Are you happy? No. Because you are constantly trying to please them, and when you fail you feel like you have let them down. You feel like you haven’t lived up to what they want you to be. And you feel guilty, you feel like you haven’t tried hard enough. You lose your confidence, you feel like giving up. But what you don’t realise is that nobody expects anything from you. You must remember that. That doesn’t mean that you can stop putting in effort. It just means that you should be proud of yourself, whatever you get, because it was your best. Not anyone else’s.

I’m begging nice from my knees.

You say to me But what if my best isn’t good enough? Good enough for who? Or what? I know what you want to do, and I also happen to know that you are good enough for that. You don’t necessarily need to be good at anything in particular for that. You just need to have determination. You need to be able to follow things through and stick with anything that you start. And you do do that. I can see that. So stop worrying. Of course you will be what you want to.

And when the world
treats you way too fairly.

I’ve noticed that you don’t see the people who you are better than. And there are so many of them. But you are too busy focussing on the ones who you aren’t better than. Slow down, just stop and see those who you are better than. You really are focussing on the minority when you only see those who are better than you. Seriously, if you could see what I saw, those who you beat by a million miles, then perhaps you wouldn’t get so down sometimes.

Well it’s a shame I’m a dream.

I’ve seen you deny compliments. Compliments which I believe are true, and which clearly the giver believes is true too. Why is that? You don’t want people to make false impressions of you. You don’t want them to have expectations of you which you believe you cannot fulfil all the time. You don’t want to let them down when you are not what they are saying you are. Don’t worry about that. Let yourself believe that you are actually good at something, instead of not believe someone when they tell you that you are. You really are good at so many things. Remember those things.

All I wanted

Please, please don’t get down. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter. Your focus is narrow, you can’t see what else is out there. You don’t need anyone else; you have proved that time and time again. Perhaps you even don’t want anyone else. Be confident. Of course you will do well. Perhaps not amazing because not everyone can be amazing. But you will do well. And that’s all anyone can ask for. That’s all you can ask of yourself. Too much pressure on yourself doesn’t do well with you. Haven’t you noticed? Perhaps lots of pressure makes some people perform harder, be better. But not you. You need pressure, certainly, but not the amount you are placing on yourself. Because it’s breaking you. And I can’t, can’t let you break because if you break then so do I. Nobody expects anything of you. Your best is all you can give.


Was You.

Oh sweet painted lady,
Seems it’s always been the same.
Getting paid, for being laid,
Well I guess that’s the name of the game,
oooh

Back Pain

Success requires your backbone, not your wishbone.

That is true you know.

Sometimes you see in the world those people who want everything. They are going to do everything, they’re gonna have everything.

Those people are called ‘gunners’.

They’re gunner do this and they’re gunner have that.
But I guess that’s just who they are.
They say that they will do everything, and yet when it comes to the crunch time, they can’t be bothered, or they are too lazy, or they chicken out.

I think that perhaps there is a little of that type of person in all of us. The person who says they’re ‘gunner’ do something and never end up doing it. Some people have more of that person than others and it comes through more often.

I suppose those people who want to succeed don’t let that gunner person come through. They say they’re gunner do something and they do it. Or maybe they don’t even tell anyone and just do it anyway. See those gunners are the wishers. They wish and wish and yet never act. Perhaps they get somewhere. They get somewhere the same was sometimes someone who never tried at school or tried at anything, ends up being a millionaire – through chance. Through unknowingly saying the right thing at the right time. Through a fluke. Through pure luck. But not through skill or hard work or determination. There are those people out there who get everything for nothing
But how many of those people are out there?

And how many more people are out there who get everything because they worked hard, and put in a huge amount of effort, and didn’t give up?

Some people, those wishers, those gunners, some of them want to be like that. They say “I’m going to be one of those people who end up being a millionaire and surprise everyone.” They plan on being one of those people and so don’t put in any effort to do anything else. They wait for that chance that never comes. And at the end of their life, they look back and think I wish I could have tried once. Then I may have gotten somewhere in the end. And, don’t get me wrong, some of them certainly do got there. But not many.

I can’t, can’t, leave my life up to chance.

Where is your backbone?
‘Cause you’re looking very flimsy
I’m breaking down your paper wall

You looked so sound asleep
I can’t believe
That your backbone’s missing and you
Never had a clue at all

You could’ve been something
You could’ve been something memorable
I should’ve said something, I should’ve said

Something for Some to Remember

And by and by, he gradually discovered that perhaps in time it would be possible to love that one again. Perhaps he was mistaken to make misjudged opinions of her as he did once. Perhaps time can heal that which was inflicted upon him. He found more and more that this consideration was accurate and he came to love that one to a great extent, greater than what he thought could be possible, particularly considering all the previous circumstances. And it surprised him. Pleasantly surprised him, in fact, that he would take back everything that which he had once so vehemently said. But he did: he took it all back and forgave; and in turn he was forgiven. This man that I once knew, he ended up marrying that woman, so great was his love for her. And it made me marvel that perhaps it is the shadowy, darker parts of our hearts that make known who we really are.





I was asked once whether it was better to forgive or to forget.

My answer was to forgive.
If you forgive then it is also forgotten.

But if it is forgotten, it is only that: forgotton.
Ready to emerge at any given moment, with the hard feelings still attached.

No, it is far, far better to forgive.
Forgive always, no matter what the crime.

Stephanie and the Gecko - a Fable

I remember one time when I was about ten years old. Around that time every summer our house would become a breeding ground for geckos. There was always a family of geckos clustered around the light as we ate dinner, fighting over the best bugs that were stupid enough to fly towards the bulb.

It was one night that I went into the bathroom to have a shower as usual. I shut the door and locked it, as one does when they have a shower. I then proceeded to have a lovely long shower, daydreaming under the hot steam just like any ten year old girl. I took my time, off on some other planet as usual.

When I was done I opened the door to the bathroom. When I did something caught the corner of my eye, a small movement. So I stopped and examined the place where I thought I had seen something move. It didn’t take me long to find what it had been.

Mum came running the moment she heard me screaming. She came upon me collapsed in the bathroom doorway with tears streaming down my face. “Stephanie, what’s wrong?” she asked me frantically.

It took her a while but eventually she understood, between my sobs, that when I had shut the door when I had first gone into the bathroom, I had caught a gecko in between the doorway and the door.
It was clear that a least one, if not both of its back legs were broken. Half of its intestines had been squished out the side of its body. Blood marked both the edge of the door and the doorframe.

Mum finally managed to calm me down, telling me that geckos heal quickly and it would probably get better soon and that it was just a gecko anyway. She cleaned up the small and rather insignificant mess that it had made because I insisted that I could not walk past those small bloodstains unless they were gone.




I don’t know why that incident made me so upset. But I know that the moment I found the gecko, badly hurt and probably in a lot of pain, I felt horrible. The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that that gecko had been caught right from the beginning of my shower. I had taken my time and enjoyed myself, off in some dream world, all the while this gecko had been caught, unable to escape, unable to stop the pain. And it had not said a word. It didn’t have the ability to make any word that I could hear to let me know that I had hurt it. It couldn’t let me know that it was in pain; no scream or yelp or even a whimper. The fact that it couldn’t let me know made me most upset; I had unknowingly caused it pain and while I was having a great fat time, it was in pain because of something I had done. I was so close to it, and yet oblivious to its suffering. That was what me most upset.

Perhaps that is why I want to be a doctor. So that I can stop people hurting, especially those ones who can’t say when they’re in pain. Those people to whom pain has become a daily thing, a part of life, they are the ones who I want to help most of all.

Because why should I be happily enjoying life, while they are not?





I did not forget that gecko for months afterwards. And even now, sometimes when I walk into the bathroom, I remember that poor gecko, who I hurt, and who could not cry out.

Seamstress of the Night

I looked out of my window when it was close to dark. And the thing that struck me was the colour of the sky. It was strewn with clouds that were a deep, dark blue colour just like the depths of the ocean. Underneath the clouds, the sky was a lighter blue that blended in with the darker blue. The sky looked perfectly smooth like a silky tablecloth spread out with no creases. I imagined myself pulling that tablecloth from the sky; I could see it shimmering and floating like silk. I imagined wrapping it around my body and seeing it transform into a dress that was perfect. It would be a loose dress, and when a breeze blew, the light fabric would ripple, shimmering and changing colour. It was not the dress design that would make the dress lovely, it was the fabric.

It was beautiful.

It's Not Words

I don’t think that it is necessary to say it but,
I love you.
You already know that I would stop surviving if you weren’t there to help me.
You do more than enough.

Perhaps I should apologize first though.
I cannot ever bring myself to tell you face to face what you mean to me.

Remember back when I blogged about compliments?
About how I find it hard to compliment someone when it is truly what I’m thinking?

Talking about my feelings is the same.
I find it hard to tell you how much I love you because I love you that much.

So even though I don’t say it,
Please know that I love you more than anything,
And that’s the reason why I can’t tell you.

8. Feeling Sorry

I guess you lost my respect a while back. I didn’t want to lose it, but after what you have done, how could I not? I tried. Really. But I can only give half, because the other half is your job. And I can’t do your job for you.

Believe in the best of people.
I do.
Always.
And it always ends up getting me hurt.

So now I’m giving up.
Giving up caring what you think.
Giving up caring whether I hurt you or not.

Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Giving up trying to get you to understand.
Giving up trying to get you to care.
Giving up trying to get you to realise that I’m not made of concrete.

A twisted up frown disguised as a smile
Well you would have never known

Giving up trying to blame everyone else for what you are doing.
Giving up trying to make excuses for you.
You don’t deserve it.

I think I shall just give up on you altogether.
You aren’t worth my time.








And if you ask me for another chance?
My answer will be
“I’m sorry, I have none left to give you.”

I’ve already wasted them all on you.




So just fuck off and leave me alone.



And I’m getting bored waiting around for you
We’re not getting any younger and I won’t look back
Cause there’s no use, it’s time to move forward

There are too many paths to choose.

“But see the thing is, I just don’t know anymore.”

And it has all managed to be timed perfectly, so that everything happens all at once. At a time where she can really only deal with one thing at a time.

And what if?

Welcome back to reality. Well thanks a lot.

Too late now.

STOP

You just know when you don't belong

I don’t like it here. It’s too confined; there’s nothing to do; I’m just stuck in one place.

It’s funny that when I leave Mount Beauty, a town with a population of 2,300, and come home to Brisbane, a city with a population of about 2 million, I feel far less at home. I feel confined; I feel like I can’t breathe properly. How is it that everyday there was something to do? And yet here in this place far, far larger, I have nothing to do?

Here it is too squishy. I feel like a sardine confined to only the inside of the tin it’s in, and even then I can’t move as a result of the other sardines squishing me from every side. I hate not being able to see the sky because there is constantly a roof over my head and walls confining my every movement. I do not belong here, in this dirty, polluted, small world where you are so close to your neighbour and yet you don’t know them from a bar of soap. This life isn’t right for me; I need a bigger, more open space where I can breathe more openly. This heat gets to my head and makes it foggy, slows me down, stops me thinking. I belong somewhere colder, somewhere greener. Sometimes I feel like a rainforest bird trapped in the desert.

I have never been able to see myself staying in Brisbane my whole life. Even when I was little. And how could I? With a mother that came from England, and before that, Hong Kong, and a father who had travelled all over the world, after them how could I possibly stay in Brisbane? I want to be the foreigner who has to learn all the know-all’s of a place because they did not grow up there. I want to be on my own without the security of knowing where everything is because you have been there your whole life. I want to be away from all of the ones who I love and be independent. Be my own without having to worry about anyone else. No, I know that I will not live my entire life in Brisbane. I am not suited to this place and this place isn’t suited to me.

Perhaps it will be difficult to leave,
But it will be even more difficult to stay.

If I don’t end up in Queenstown, then I know for certain that in the end I will call Melbourne home.

"I just want to know."

Things happen. And you turn them over and over in your mind, wondering, contemplating, considering different possibilities. Sometimes you can’t think of anything else, except that one thing. And it could be anything; everyone has different things that they think about. It all depends on the person, or the place, or the time, or the situation, or anything else for that matter. Why is it that that one little thing will not leave us alone? You can tell it to go away, and yet it always comes back, if it ever went away at all.

Why do we think, I wonder? Why do we worry or stress? Why is it that our brains allow us to over think things? Surely they should be wired in such a way that those things don’t happen? That’s what evolution is: adapting to best suit the environment that the animal is in. Because that’s all we are after all, just animals adapted to make best use of the environment that we were placed in.

And after you have thought, and thought, and thought again about that little thing, sometimes you realise that it doesn’t matter. You can think all you like, but that’s not going to bring that thought into reality. It’s not going to change the situation. Sometimes you realise that it doesn’t matter if you know or not. Knowing isn’t going to be any use to you, so why are you spending hours agonising over whether it is or it isn’t? Why are you weighing everything up, picking bits from here and there and trying to piece them together to give you an answer? When people say “I just need to know”. Why? Knowing doesn’t make a difference. By having you know doesn’t change the situation.

There’s no point then, in you stressing. In you worrying about whether it is a ye or a nay. What will happen is going to happen and there is no point in you spending all of you energy on worrying.

Don’t stress, it all works out in the end.

Bonjour! ... Unfortunately.

I’m back again.
Back to shitty Brisbane.

I remember one time when I was talking to one of my friends in Mount Beauty about Brisbane and he remarked “You really don’t like Brisbane, do you?” No, I really don’t! And I especially don’t after spending the last three weeks in Victoria. If all my friends and family weren’t in Brisbane, trust me, I would already be gone.

Anyway.

The last three weeks would have to be a few of the best weeks of my life. I can’t believe that I was ever worried about going down! This year was 100 times better than last year, and I thought last year was absolutely brilliant! This year we were “initiated” into the Mount Beauty group. I became such good friends with everyone, especially Holly. Holly and I are like two peas in a pod! The things we got up to! Jumping off logs and concrete into the river, swimming down the shallow rapids from the spillway, running around, admiring the HOT runners, making friends with the HOT runners, laughing, joking, exploring, having icing sugar fights, running up and swimming down the river 25 times in a row; basically just getting up to mischief and practically being inseparable. We were the crazy twins who did everything first and had a ball doing it! She was my other half while I was down there, my other crazily insane half, and I know I’m going to miss her a lot.

As for everyone else, well you know I’m going to miss you an unbelievable amount as well. When you live with a group of people for almost three weeks straight, doing everything with them, spending that much time with them, it creates a bond which is hard to break and hard to replicate under different circumstances. The things we did together: numerous trips to Charcoal Chicken and Treats, swimming in the river, going down on the li-los, throwing the wooboba ball, making the two hour trip down the river to Towonga, going to the waterhole, jumping from trees, watching a large number of movies, walking into town, hanging out in the TV room, “That’s mad!”, sleeping out under the stars, talking around the table for hours on end, listening to music, going down from the spillway, all of us getting incredibly brown from all the time we were spending outside, and basically just enjoying each other’s company. So thank-you to Tom, Big Sarah, Holly, Tiylar, Bec, Teague, Ruairidh, Callum, Fred, Tayla, Sarah, Zoe, Josh and Nathan, Sharly-May and Keibie, the runners and York, Ben and Stephen, even though I didn’t get to know you guys very well, and anyone else who made my time in Mount Beauty the best ever.

J'ai appris beaucoup, encore une fois. Je sais que ma famille et moi a beaucoup plus étroites, après avoir passé tellement de temps en compagnie des uns et des autres. J'ai changé une fois de plus, bien entendu ; comment vous n'a pas pu changer ?

I have decided that I absolutely love making new friends. The amount of new friends I made! People who I had never talked to before, people who I enjoyed so much getting to know! I love the unknown and meeting new people is like an adventure in a way. I’ve changed so much from the shy Steph who wouldn’t talk to any strangers, and thank god for that too, because I really didn’t like her very much.

There are so many things I want to say here; some the words won’t come and others can’t be said. I know once again, that I had a wonderful time and it was certainly three weeks well spent. I’m glad that we shall be going again next year, because I loved spending time with my friends there. I shall miss you guys, very much, until next time. I do love you all, and already I miss you very much.

p.s. je sais qu'ici j'ai seulement dit les bonnes choses. Mais le pire vous manquait. J'ai manqué vous chaque seconde de chaque jour. J'ai dit à de nombreuses reprises, si vous étiez bas ici et temps pourrait être suspendu, je serais la plus heureux personne sur terre.