You have no say;

I’m not going to do it.

Perhaps it seems to me these days that I’m not sure about much. But I am sure about this.
Ok, I don’t have to give you a reason why.
Trust me, I have lots of reasons why not. I’m just not going to share them with you that's all. You don’t really need to know. For you it isn’t a life changing thing; it certainly isn’t going to change you in any way.
But it will change me.

These days it seems like I can’t be who I want to be. I can’t do what I want to do. I have to be so careful; I can’t lose control. I can’t be free. There is always something else stopping me from doing just about anything. It seems like I’m just being swept along with no power over which direction I am travelling. At least I have control over this.
At least I can say no, I am not going down that path.

It doesn’t hurt me to say no.
At least not as much I'm sure it would if I said yes.
And I would prefer to feel nothing at all than feel pain.

This isn’t about you. For once, this is about me. Totally and utterly about me. So for once I am not obliged to worry about someone else’s feelings. If anyone ever did their best to make others happy before themselves, it was me. But this time it’s about me. And the only person I am obligated to is myself. So I am making myself happy.

And that one word,
‘No’
that is what will make me happiest.
Maybe not happy. But the happiest I can be with this.

So I am not going to do it.