I've Looked Everywhere

Once again I missed you.
You were sitting right next to me just as you always do.
But you weren’t there.

What have you done with her?
Where did my best friend go?
Whatever you did with her, you didn’t take her properly. Her body was still there. Just her spirit wasn’t.
Why didn’t you take all of her?
If you had of, it would have been less painful. I could at least pretend that she was ok somewhere. But because you left half of her there for me to see that she clearly was not ok. It was horrible, to sit there and watch her corpse and not being able to help her. Was that a punishment to me too? To stop me from being happy when I had only just begun to be so?
It worked.



I remember when she used to be like that, day in, day out. I remember when she wouldn’t remember simple things, when she would drift away to another planet, another planet full of pain. I remember how her eyes looked. I remember how she was hunched, curling into herself as if to make herself smaller. I remember how some things she said and did didn’t make sense. I remember her when she was crazy.



Please God, don’t go back to that. If anything in my life wouldn’t be fair, that would be it. I will not let you go back to that. Because if you did go back to that, I wouldn’t be able to help.

And that would kill me.

You can do it.
You can fucking do it.
If I can do it, then you can.
And I fucking love you.

Just as much as her.