The Last Week

There are so many things going on at the moment. Everything is piling up, getting to the very core of you, breaking you down. You crack. You start leaking through the cracks. In essence, you cry. Or you leak through the cracks another way, and you snap at people.

Yesterday I was in the car with my best friend and my dad. Dad said something, something inconsequential that didn’t really matter. And I snapped at him. I totally tore his head off. Why did I do that? Under other circumstances, circumstances that did not include me putting so much pressure on myself, I would have handled it fine. But being under those circumstances I did not. I tell myself that it’s the stress, that’s my excuse. But it shouldn’t be my excuse. I don’t have an excuse for that sort of thing. There is no excuse for being horrible to a person. I need to stop.

I have decided that I don’t want it right now.
Really, I decided that I didn’t want it ages ago.
I suppose I just haven’t had enough time to dwell on this decision, for me to realize that it is how I really and honestly feel.
But now I am just telling you all.
I don’t want it.
And it lifts such a great weight from my shoulders.

Blissfully ignorant.
I chose to be blissfully ignorant. I could have chosen to find out. But I was scared about what I would find. So I was my choice not to know.
So when what I was avoiding was unexpectedly thrust in my face,
It shocked me.
It horrified me.
My world, already not perfect, was shattered and became something far from perfect. I didn’t want to know because I knew it would be bad. But it was worse than what I thought. Far worse.
Trust me, if you don’t know right now, keep it that way. Because not knowing is far better than knowing. And once you know, there is no forgetting.

I guess I did not realize how hard it would be to see your face again.
Just that small blurry picture,
And I was back there again.
I could stay there forever.
I didn’t know what was to come.