Lately, I have been having trouble blogging.
Well no, not lately, all year really.
I blogged a lot last year. And I think I know the reason why. I wanted you all to see a person. A certain person who I created. A person who I wanted to be. But I’ve realised that that person is not me. I only wanted to hide behind that person because I was too afraid of who I really was. I was craving change and that new person, that mask, gave me that change.
But I guess in the end that change did not satisfy me. So I have gone back to being the girl who tells no one her secrets, who keeps it all bottled up inside and only lets the cork off the bottle when she is alone and not in danger of anyone asking her that dreaded question: “Are you alright?”
I guess I don’t want to tell you my secrets for a number of reasons. First, relating indirectly to my Owl’s blog, that I do not want to do things to get praise. I do not want to do things to get attention or recognition. Like I have described to Fabio once, every secret thought, every secret action becomes a shining jewel. Every good thing that I do that goes unnoticed becomes a gemstone that I can put away in my treasure box and admire when no one else is around. I won’t tell you how full my secret box is. That is, in a way, taking a jewel from my box; but also I couldn’t tell you how full it is because I don’t know myself. But I do know that my precious gems give me hope and love and strength. Every little secret deed that I have done makes me stronger as a person. That is why I will never be in the limelight. That is why I will never be at the top. Because that would mean my treasures are all gone.
I will tell you this: it is hard. Hard to have you loving or hating me for someone who I’m not. Hard for you to never know who I really am. Hard to sit back and watch other people get the credit.
But I won’t deny it, as hard as it may be, I like who I am and I like the fact that none of you can truly say that you know me. Because that's just one more steel cable i have about myself as a person.
Well no, not lately, all year really.
I blogged a lot last year. And I think I know the reason why. I wanted you all to see a person. A certain person who I created. A person who I wanted to be. But I’ve realised that that person is not me. I only wanted to hide behind that person because I was too afraid of who I really was. I was craving change and that new person, that mask, gave me that change.
But I guess in the end that change did not satisfy me. So I have gone back to being the girl who tells no one her secrets, who keeps it all bottled up inside and only lets the cork off the bottle when she is alone and not in danger of anyone asking her that dreaded question: “Are you alright?”
I guess I don’t want to tell you my secrets for a number of reasons. First, relating indirectly to my Owl’s blog, that I do not want to do things to get praise. I do not want to do things to get attention or recognition. Like I have described to Fabio once, every secret thought, every secret action becomes a shining jewel. Every good thing that I do that goes unnoticed becomes a gemstone that I can put away in my treasure box and admire when no one else is around. I won’t tell you how full my secret box is. That is, in a way, taking a jewel from my box; but also I couldn’t tell you how full it is because I don’t know myself. But I do know that my precious gems give me hope and love and strength. Every little secret deed that I have done makes me stronger as a person. That is why I will never be in the limelight. That is why I will never be at the top. Because that would mean my treasures are all gone.
I will tell you this: it is hard. Hard to have you loving or hating me for someone who I’m not. Hard for you to never know who I really am. Hard to sit back and watch other people get the credit.
But I won’t deny it, as hard as it may be, I like who I am and I like the fact that none of you can truly say that you know me. Because that's just one more steel cable i have about myself as a person.
But you know what? I don’t care about these people. I don’t want to have a label. And I certainly don’t want to be any of these girls. Why should I have to explain to you who I am? I will be who I want to be, I will be who God made me to be and if any of you think me to be someone else then that’s not my business. That’s your own fucking problem. So screw you all.
[Exit stage]
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