If you died..

If you died, would you be happy with your life when it flashed before your eyes?

This is a question that is constantly asked.
And I think I have come up with an answer to it.

No I wouldn’t be happy with my life.

But I think thats because I expect too much from myself.
I see every little mistake that I make, and I wish so much that I hadn’t made it. I remember every little mistake that I have made and I regret it. I never forget any mistake that I make. I always know that I could do so much better, be better, achieve better. And that thought is always in the back of my mind. Perhaps thats why I dislike myself? Because I know every part of me and my mind and I know that it isn’t brilliant or wonderful or anything, but that it could be.

And thats why I dislike myself, because I'm not brilliant or wonderful or anything and I don’t try to be.

I don’t mean brilliant or wonderful in a snobby stuck-up kind of way. I need to be the smartest or the fastest runner or the most beautiful or the richest in the world. No, I'm talking about the things that matter.

The things like being kind or generous or not selfish or trustworthy or helpful. There’s so many of those things which I could be but a lot of the time I just let the opportunity go to be those things. That’s why I don’t like myself, because I let those opportunities go. I hate myself for doing so right after I have, but then the next time and the next time and the next time, I let all of those opportunities go as well.

Now, I'm owning up to those mistakes. I cant promise to be better because I know that probably wont happen. I hate myself for that as well.

At least I'm owning up to my mistakes though.