This weekend.
Wow.
Wow.
Where do I start?
Well, this morning I got up at 4:45am. Now, I have a perfectly good reason for this. This morning was my big race. THE race. The Bridge to Brisbane. 10km. From the Gateway Bridge to the Ekka Showgrounds. And I was going to do it without walking and under one hour. Left home at 5:15am and didn’t get to the race start until 6:15am. The traffic was horrible. Which is kinda to be expected seeing as 46,000+ people were doing this thing. The traffic was actually so bad that dad let me out way before the start line and I ended up walking 2km to the actual start. I found Kristy and Ryan at about 6:30. By then the race had started for the serious competitors. We, however, had to wait in the crowd for another hour until we actually crossed the start line and our race began. So we started running at 7:30am.
Of course, we ran the whole way, almost. We had the one or two stops for water along the way, and about 100m in total of walking, when my poor owl got huge blisters on her feet. We did run the last k, however. We all agree that it did not feel like 10km. Can I just add that I have never run 10km in my life? But it just seemed to go so quickly! I think what kept it interesting was the weaving in and out of all the walkers (and let me tell you, there were a lot of walkers!). Otherwise, I reckon it would have been quite boring, seeing as it was flat the whole way. We talked for the whole way, just little comments here and there; it was just a good time :). I did start to feel a bit tired at the 8.5km mark, but I reckon that the 100m we walked then did me the world of good, and I felt fantastic for the last k.
I just cant describe the feeling that I had when I ran the last 200m. It was amazing! I knew that I had finally done it, run 10km the whole way, for the first time in my life, and I felt good. Those last few metres, me and Kristy held hands and when we crossed the finish line, we screamed and I just couldn’t stop smiling, knowing that I had done it with both my goals: I hadn’t walked, or died for that matter, and I did it under 1hr. I don’t think I have ever been that happy or felt so proud of myself in my whole life. It was just so amazing!
You know whats written on the back of the shirts we got? “I FINISHED!” That’s what I feel like screaming out, what I feel like telling everyone, because really, it is an achievement, something that should be yelled out for the whole world to hear :) For me, it's an achievement.
And another success for the day? I managed to flash the whole of the hospital busway my boobs, while attempting to change into my new Bridge to Brisbane shirt, but actually managing to get tangled up in it instead :P
Me and my owl then went to Chermside, where I bought the most amazing iced-coffe-cookies-and-cream-drink-thing from Gloria Jeans that I have ever had in my life! I felt like I deserved every part of it, even the PILE of cream on top, as well as the HUGE double choc muffin that I ate! I deserved it, all of it :)
Oh, also I must say that that was the most daggily dressed I have ever been at Chermside, wearing my Bridge to Brisbane shirt, running shorts and sandshoes. But I didn’t care, because I knew that I had just done something that none of them could ever do.
Went home after about an hour of nice chatting to my owl, ate a bit of food, drank a lot of water, slept a bit, then called Brad and organised to go for a ride with him that afternoon.
I don’t know why I did that. I could feel that I was tired. But I also felt so good about myself that I wanted to go out and beat some more people.
So after running 10km, I went out and did a 16km ride. And you know what? That would have to be the best I have ever ridden in my life. I just had so much energy! It was INSANE! When I first started, riding to the meeting point, I could feel the tiredness in my legs, and I kinda figured that I wouldn’t do so well today. But then after I got started, I just flew! Maybe it was that my legs got numb and I couldn’t feel them anymore, because I just had so much strength in them! It felt like I had borrowed someone else’s legs for the afternoon, because seriously, last weekend they weren’t that strong and I hadn’t just run 10km then! I beat a lot of the people up the hills and that would have to be the fastest I have ever ridden Jurassic! I think I have just had adrenaline running through my veins since 6:00 this morning, and it just keeps going, and I just keep going and going and going.. Pretty sure that since this morning I’ve lost about 2kg of weight because of how much exercise I’ve done and how hard I’ve pushed myself. It’s funny because normally I don’t like pushing myself. I'm not very good at it. I do push myself quite hard, but I don’t like it. Today though, no today was a different matter. And I’ve decided that I do like pushing myself. Because in the end it just feels so good.
I’ll probably crash sometime early tonight though. About 8 I’ll be in bed. And hopefully not totally crippled tomorrow morning *touches a billion pieces of wood*
Funny how today was the complete opposite of yesterday.
Well, not yesterday, just last night.
It started when I realised that I was completely screwed because I didn’t realise that needed to pick up my race pack by 12:00 that day; it was now 6:00 at night. Dad got completely off his head at me, because it was seriously the least organised I have ever been in my life. I had no idea what was happening in regards to the next day; where I had to go, what time, what I had to wear, who was going, what I had to do.. Dad was really really angry at me. He doesn’t normally swear at me, but last night he was. “Fuck” was almost his every second word. “You’ve really fucked this up, Steph.” “You have no fucking idea what’s happening do you?!”
Yeah, I felt bad. No that doesn’t even cover it. I felt horrible. Dad had to get up at 4:30 the next morning for me, who had no idea what was happening, or if I would even be able to race. I was so angry at myself, at me not being organised. But the problem was that I also appeared angry. Only, because no one can read my thoughts, they thought that I was angry at them. Which only made the situation worse.
On top of that, because of my absolutely fabulous mood, I managed to completely fuck up any chance whatsoever of getting BB to go out with me. I acted like a fucking idiot, speaking in code, fucking him along, making absolutely no sense whatsoever. I really think that I was slightly delirious because I was worrying about so many things. So of course I didn’t mean any of the things that I said. But that doesn’t mean I can just magically make him forget what I said, and I'm just going to have to live with the consequences. I suppose I deserve it.
Everything ended up ok though; I managed to sort it all out with mum and dad, and at 10:00 at night dad managed to get me a spare race pack from his mate, the life-saving Frother (thank-you A MILLION TRILLION TIMES, Frother!!!)
This weekend was
Well, to be quite honest I cant describe what it was in just one word.
There were so many ups and downs; only this time, compared to all the other times, these ups and downs were extreme.
I think the Hindus got at least one thing right.
There sure is such thing as Karma.
My life is just one big Karma circle.
But its ok.
I’ll just take my own advice and only look at the ups, not the downs.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
It's you, it's always you.
It’s you I cant stop thinking about.
You seem to take up my thoughts twenty three hours of the day.
I dreamt about you again last night.
You even plague me in my sleep.
I just can’t be free from you.
But I know I wouldn’t want to be.
I’ve told you that I love you twice this week.
I couldn’t help it, its just too easy to be truthful around you.
Things just slip out when I'm talking to you.
And I worry that every little thing will reveal too clearly how obsessed I am with you.
I wish I could call you mine.
But I would never want to do that against your will.
I want you to hurry up and decide whether you want me.
But I don’t want you to rush the decision,
I want it to be the right one.
If you decide no, thats fine.
But I just don’t want to loose you, not ever.
I'm too much of a coward to face loosing you.
So, if you do decide no, please can we still be good friends?
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I need you.
And I need you to need me.
Please..?
Only it’s your choice, it always will be your choice,
I would never force myself upon you.
I just wish that you could be mine.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
You seem to take up my thoughts twenty three hours of the day.
I dreamt about you again last night.
You even plague me in my sleep.
I just can’t be free from you.
But I know I wouldn’t want to be.
I’ve told you that I love you twice this week.
I couldn’t help it, its just too easy to be truthful around you.
Things just slip out when I'm talking to you.
And I worry that every little thing will reveal too clearly how obsessed I am with you.
I wish I could call you mine.
But I would never want to do that against your will.
I want you to hurry up and decide whether you want me.
But I don’t want you to rush the decision,
I want it to be the right one.
If you decide no, thats fine.
But I just don’t want to loose you, not ever.
I'm too much of a coward to face loosing you.
So, if you do decide no, please can we still be good friends?
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I need you.
And I need you to need me.
Please..?
Only it’s your choice, it always will be your choice,
I would never force myself upon you.
I just wish that you could be mine.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
How Suprising!
Can you believe that after having my blog for only 2 months i have 100 profile views?!
I mean, seriously, who the hell is bored enough to read my blog?!
I think they need friends.
LOL
Nahhh, I love you all who read my blog (well at least those who I know read my blog.. all those other bored randoms who do.. well I can't say that I love you because well, I don't know you!)
Anyway, I am officially apologizing for writing boring blogs and blogs that seriously contradict themselves and blogs that just don't make sense at all.
Hmmmm, this physics assignment really isn't getting done sitting next to me.. i should really do it.. yeahh..
I mean, seriously, who the hell is bored enough to read my blog?!
I think they need friends.
LOL
Nahhh, I love you all who read my blog (well at least those who I know read my blog.. all those other bored randoms who do.. well I can't say that I love you because well, I don't know you!)
Anyway, I am officially apologizing for writing boring blogs and blogs that seriously contradict themselves and blogs that just don't make sense at all.
Hmmmm, this physics assignment really isn't getting done sitting next to me.. i should really do it.. yeahh..
Good and Bad People
Here is my usual Thursday morning illegal admin post:
I have had a realisation.
I was reading Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult. It was in the mind of the character Amelia who was sister to the girl who had brittle bone syndrome and who the whole book is about. In this particular part Amelia was reflecting on herself as a person, just as I was before in my blog. And in it she said that she hated herself.
She said that she hated herself because sometimes she would wish bad things would happen to other people. She would sometimes wish that her sister had never been born, that her sister had died young, that her mother wasn’t so occupied with her sister, that her family could be normal, that the bullies at school would pick on someone else, that all the bad things that had happened to her would happen to someone else. She hated herself because she thought these things.
When I read that I was shocked. It was like those few paragraphs had been taken straight out of my mind and printed into that book. Sometimes I think bad things like that, that bad things would happen to someone else instead of me. And then I would hate myself for thinking those things.
After reading about Amelia, though, I realised something.
This is the difference between a good person and a bad person.
A good person doesn’t not think bad things. Everyone thinks bad things; we cant help it, they just pop into our heads uninvited. The difference between a good person and a bad person is that a bad person doesn’t realise that those thoughts are bad, they don’t hate themselves for thinking them.
But a good person does.
A good person will hate themselves for thinking those horrible thoughts and they will try their hardest not to think them. But a bad person doesn’t do this; they don’t realise when their thoughts are horrible or nasty.
It wasn’t until I saw, or rather read, about another person who also hated themselves for thinking horrible thoughts, saw their whole situation from a perspective other than their own, that I realised this. When you hate yourself for thinking things you cant see the whole situation. You need to be able to take yourself outside of your body and view the whole picture before you can judge whether you are a good or bad person. Also, you cant judge someone else, because you don’t know them completely, you don’t know what goes on in their head that they don’t tell you.
Only you can make a judgement on whether you are good or not, and only you can make a choice to change that. But you need to see the entire picture.
A good person is one who thinks that they are bad.
I have had a realisation.
I was reading Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult. It was in the mind of the character Amelia who was sister to the girl who had brittle bone syndrome and who the whole book is about. In this particular part Amelia was reflecting on herself as a person, just as I was before in my blog. And in it she said that she hated herself.
She said that she hated herself because sometimes she would wish bad things would happen to other people. She would sometimes wish that her sister had never been born, that her sister had died young, that her mother wasn’t so occupied with her sister, that her family could be normal, that the bullies at school would pick on someone else, that all the bad things that had happened to her would happen to someone else. She hated herself because she thought these things.
When I read that I was shocked. It was like those few paragraphs had been taken straight out of my mind and printed into that book. Sometimes I think bad things like that, that bad things would happen to someone else instead of me. And then I would hate myself for thinking those things.
After reading about Amelia, though, I realised something.
This is the difference between a good person and a bad person.
A good person doesn’t not think bad things. Everyone thinks bad things; we cant help it, they just pop into our heads uninvited. The difference between a good person and a bad person is that a bad person doesn’t realise that those thoughts are bad, they don’t hate themselves for thinking them.
But a good person does.
A good person will hate themselves for thinking those horrible thoughts and they will try their hardest not to think them. But a bad person doesn’t do this; they don’t realise when their thoughts are horrible or nasty.
It wasn’t until I saw, or rather read, about another person who also hated themselves for thinking horrible thoughts, saw their whole situation from a perspective other than their own, that I realised this. When you hate yourself for thinking things you cant see the whole situation. You need to be able to take yourself outside of your body and view the whole picture before you can judge whether you are a good or bad person. Also, you cant judge someone else, because you don’t know them completely, you don’t know what goes on in their head that they don’t tell you.
Only you can make a judgement on whether you are good or not, and only you can make a choice to change that. But you need to see the entire picture.
A good person is one who thinks that they are bad.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Foo-oo-d... *faints from hunger*
ARRRGHHHHHH SO HUNGRY!
DAMN YOU FAST METABOLISM!
18hrs and 5mins left.
IM GOING TO DIE BEFORE THEN!
stupid 40hr famine!
you've seriously messed with my body!
now all i can think about is food.
ive drunk about 3litres of liquids in total.
that has resulted in at least one trip to the toilet every hour.
being hungry has made me restless and easily bored, so even though i took the day off school to do my assignments, i still havent finished!
im not going to have any teeth left after the 40hrs, as a resut of all the barley sugar i have eaten.
i am now quite creative with ways you can consume liquids!
you can:
- drink them from a cup.
- you can drink them from a bottle.
- you can freeze them and eat them.
- you can eat them from little icecubes.
- you can put them in the blender and make a water slushie!
- you can add lemon crush cordial to that water slushie to make it taste nicer. (thats not cheating is it?!)
- you can drink juice.
- you can freeze juice and eat it with a spoon as a juice cup.
- you can put that juice cup in the blender and have a juice slushie!
and more ways besides!
only problem is that each one only keeps the hunger away for 45mins MAX so then your back to being hungry again!
ohhhh, i cant wait until 1:00pm tomorrow.
IT WILL BE THE BEST LUNCH I'VE EVER HAD!
but until then..
DAMN YOU FAST METABOLISM!
18hrs and 5mins left.
IM GOING TO DIE BEFORE THEN!
stupid 40hr famine!
you've seriously messed with my body!
now all i can think about is food.
ive drunk about 3litres of liquids in total.
that has resulted in at least one trip to the toilet every hour.
being hungry has made me restless and easily bored, so even though i took the day off school to do my assignments, i still havent finished!
im not going to have any teeth left after the 40hrs, as a resut of all the barley sugar i have eaten.
i am now quite creative with ways you can consume liquids!
you can:
- drink them from a cup.
- you can drink them from a bottle.
- you can freeze them and eat them.
- you can eat them from little icecubes.
- you can put them in the blender and make a water slushie!
- you can add lemon crush cordial to that water slushie to make it taste nicer. (thats not cheating is it?!)
- you can drink juice.
- you can freeze juice and eat it with a spoon as a juice cup.
- you can put that juice cup in the blender and have a juice slushie!
and more ways besides!
only problem is that each one only keeps the hunger away for 45mins MAX so then your back to being hungry again!
ohhhh, i cant wait until 1:00pm tomorrow.
IT WILL BE THE BEST LUNCH I'VE EVER HAD!
but until then..
Monday, August 24, 2009
Food Glorious Food!
So I'm 16hrs and 27 minutes into my 40hr famine challenge.
I'm not hungry at all!
So why is it that all I can think about is FOOD?!
I know that my stomach isn’t hungry, I can feel that it isn’t!
But my brain seems to be!
All I can think about is eating, and I have cravings of stuffing my mouth with so much food that I can hardly chew; I just have food food food on my mind!
FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD!
HOT SAUSAGE AND MUSTARD!
WHILE WE’RE IN THE MOOD!
COLD JELLY AND CUSTARD!
I'm sorry, I couldn’t help myself, but I don’t think that that song has every been more appropriate!
So far ive eaten about half a packet of barley sugar, half a bottle of juice and a tone of water.
Why is it that out of the four of us who did the forty hour famine, me, the skinniest of all of us, eats the most and craves the most? I feel like such a fatty next to Topaz who only ate five barley sugars the entire 40 hours!
How does it work out like this?!
But I will not give in, I am not going to eat any food (aside from barley sugars) until 1:00pm tomorrow.
I will not.
Without You
Today just wasn’t the same without you.
I felt lost the whole day.
Incomplete.
I felt like a balloon with only a little bit of helium left – it just didn’t float properly.
I missed you.
It seems that you not only have half my heart, you also have three quarters of my brain.
So I failed at school today, couldn’t do any work, because you had my brain.
I missed you.
We didn’t have our little foursome today, because both you and my owl were away.
Me and Garnet were lost.
I missed you.
The stupid heat didn’t make it much better either.
It made my mind all foggy, and I couldn’t think straight.
I think that half of me was actually with you, wherever you were.
I missed you.
Please dont leave me alone at school again :(
But if you have to then i will deal with it.
Just try not to.
It's funny because at school I dont always talk to you.
Sometimes I'm with other people.
But I think the difference was today is that you weren't there.
When I'm not talking to you, when you are there, the difference is that I know that you're there for me.
But you weren't today.
So I felt insecure, unsafe.
You make me feel safe.
I didn't realise how much of me is yours until you were gone.
I love you.
I felt lost the whole day.
Incomplete.
I felt like a balloon with only a little bit of helium left – it just didn’t float properly.
I missed you.
It seems that you not only have half my heart, you also have three quarters of my brain.
So I failed at school today, couldn’t do any work, because you had my brain.
I missed you.
We didn’t have our little foursome today, because both you and my owl were away.
Me and Garnet were lost.
I missed you.
The stupid heat didn’t make it much better either.
It made my mind all foggy, and I couldn’t think straight.
I think that half of me was actually with you, wherever you were.
I missed you.
Please dont leave me alone at school again :(
But if you have to then i will deal with it.
Just try not to.
It's funny because at school I dont always talk to you.
Sometimes I'm with other people.
But I think the difference was today is that you weren't there.
When I'm not talking to you, when you are there, the difference is that I know that you're there for me.
But you weren't today.
So I felt insecure, unsafe.
You make me feel safe.
I didn't realise how much of me is yours until you were gone.
I love you.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Yesterday, Sunday.
Today is Monday.
Yesterday was Sunday; the day before that was Saturday.
Those two days were.. good :)
Everything just went right and I had a good time.
(ok well admittedly, not everything went right: I didn’t really get any homework done that I planned.. I managed to make another fire though! Besides, homework is boring and I had more fun doing whatever I did instead of homework :P) But other than that, everything was just.. good :) hmmmm good isn’t the right word that I'm looking for.. ok what I mean to say is that I was thoroughly content the whole weekend and I didn’t worry about anything. Basically I had a little smile on my face the whole time. Hahaha :)
On Sunday I decided to be a crazy maniac and get up at 5:30am to drive up to Mt Neebo to have a wonderful breakfast in a small cafe. The breakfast was absolutely wonderful! I had pancakes with maple syrup and cream and banana and icecream with a chocolate milkshake. Mmmmmmm! Of course I didn’t finish it all because it was just so big that I couldn’t, but it still tasted delicious! I then got on my bike and rode down Mt Neebo to Gap Creek.
I would have to say, this was the best part of the whole weekend.
I can’t describe the feeling that you get when its just you and the bush and your bike. You just feel so peaceful. Of course, you need to concentrate to make it over log rollovers and stuff, put in a hard effort up the hills, judge when to change gears, make sure you have the exact right amount of each brake on, look ahead and think where you need to go and what you need to do, not go too fast, not go too slow, don’t run into the person in front of you, appreciate your beautiful surroundings, realise when you’re hungry and eat, watch out around the corners, see through the dust clouding your eyes from the person in front, and, most importantly, don’t fall off (well at least don’t hurt yourself when you do fall off)
I failed in this area, for the first time in my life, on Sunday.
Yes, I fell off my bike. For the first time since I started Mountain Bike Riding.
(not suprising really; I was going 35km/hr down a loose dirt hill corner.)
Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt me physically at all! Well not too much anyway. It didn’t really hurt my pride too much either, because falling off is part of mountain bike riding and if you haven’t fallen off “then you haven’t been going hard enough” as Brad said to me so many times yesterday. I did a pretty easy thing to do: I washed out on a corner going down a hill. I was probably going too fast and didn’t judge the corner properly, put my brakes on a bit too late and just sort of gracefully leaned over and ended up on the ground. This earned me a fairly bruised right knee (of which the bruise hasn’t actually shown up yet, but it will!) and a pretty reasonable sized lump on my left calf, that will probably also turn into a nice bruise. Also the general gravel scratches, but they don’t count because a) they don’t hurt and b) they didn’t bleed considerable amounts. As a result, my legs now look absolutely disgusting, with bruises everywhere because added to the big ones are the little ones which I always get from riding, plus the few small scratches and stuff that are part and parcel of riding in the bush. Its kinda not fair because my legs don’t look good at the best of times! Oh well.
The most hurtful thing to my pride was the fact that falling off seemed to kinda put me in shock. There were a few people behind me and of course they all stopped to make sure I was alright (one thing I love about bike riders is they are just so friendly and considerate! They always wait and always make you feel welcome). So when I first fell off I was a bit shaken, everyone caught up to me, but then for some reason my head just went funny and I almost fainted and had to sit down. How embarrassing! I dunno, maybe someone else wouldn’t find it embarrassing, and they would milk the situation for all it was worth. But I don’t like being helpless or people helping me because I look helpless. And I felt kinda weak, because I had a tiny fall off my bike and my body just couldn’t take it and I had to sit down. Other people have fallen off their bikes far more painfully than I did and they just get back up and ride another 200km! So I felt disappointed in myself because I wasn’t strong enough to do that.
But it was good for me to fall off at last, because I know now that the ground is actually quite soft! I'm pretty sure that both my big bruises are from my bike rather than the ground, because I hit the ground with my right side and I don’t have any sore bits there at all!
But there is something just so peaceful about riding in the bush; where going downhill is just as hard and painful as going uphill; where all you can here is your peddling and the trees and wildlife around you; where you wheels just eat up the kilometres and before you know it, you’ve done 20 of them. I just enjoy riding so much, a thousand times more than running or swimming. I should do it more often, maybe even enough to enter a race in!
Yes, I shall do that.
:)
Yesterday was Sunday; the day before that was Saturday.
Those two days were.. good :)
Everything just went right and I had a good time.
(ok well admittedly, not everything went right: I didn’t really get any homework done that I planned.. I managed to make another fire though! Besides, homework is boring and I had more fun doing whatever I did instead of homework :P) But other than that, everything was just.. good :) hmmmm good isn’t the right word that I'm looking for.. ok what I mean to say is that I was thoroughly content the whole weekend and I didn’t worry about anything. Basically I had a little smile on my face the whole time. Hahaha :)
On Sunday I decided to be a crazy maniac and get up at 5:30am to drive up to Mt Neebo to have a wonderful breakfast in a small cafe. The breakfast was absolutely wonderful! I had pancakes with maple syrup and cream and banana and icecream with a chocolate milkshake. Mmmmmmm! Of course I didn’t finish it all because it was just so big that I couldn’t, but it still tasted delicious! I then got on my bike and rode down Mt Neebo to Gap Creek.
I would have to say, this was the best part of the whole weekend.
I can’t describe the feeling that you get when its just you and the bush and your bike. You just feel so peaceful. Of course, you need to concentrate to make it over log rollovers and stuff, put in a hard effort up the hills, judge when to change gears, make sure you have the exact right amount of each brake on, look ahead and think where you need to go and what you need to do, not go too fast, not go too slow, don’t run into the person in front of you, appreciate your beautiful surroundings, realise when you’re hungry and eat, watch out around the corners, see through the dust clouding your eyes from the person in front, and, most importantly, don’t fall off (well at least don’t hurt yourself when you do fall off)
I failed in this area, for the first time in my life, on Sunday.
Yes, I fell off my bike. For the first time since I started Mountain Bike Riding.
(not suprising really; I was going 35km/hr down a loose dirt hill corner.)
Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt me physically at all! Well not too much anyway. It didn’t really hurt my pride too much either, because falling off is part of mountain bike riding and if you haven’t fallen off “then you haven’t been going hard enough” as Brad said to me so many times yesterday. I did a pretty easy thing to do: I washed out on a corner going down a hill. I was probably going too fast and didn’t judge the corner properly, put my brakes on a bit too late and just sort of gracefully leaned over and ended up on the ground. This earned me a fairly bruised right knee (of which the bruise hasn’t actually shown up yet, but it will!) and a pretty reasonable sized lump on my left calf, that will probably also turn into a nice bruise. Also the general gravel scratches, but they don’t count because a) they don’t hurt and b) they didn’t bleed considerable amounts. As a result, my legs now look absolutely disgusting, with bruises everywhere because added to the big ones are the little ones which I always get from riding, plus the few small scratches and stuff that are part and parcel of riding in the bush. Its kinda not fair because my legs don’t look good at the best of times! Oh well.
The most hurtful thing to my pride was the fact that falling off seemed to kinda put me in shock. There were a few people behind me and of course they all stopped to make sure I was alright (one thing I love about bike riders is they are just so friendly and considerate! They always wait and always make you feel welcome). So when I first fell off I was a bit shaken, everyone caught up to me, but then for some reason my head just went funny and I almost fainted and had to sit down. How embarrassing! I dunno, maybe someone else wouldn’t find it embarrassing, and they would milk the situation for all it was worth. But I don’t like being helpless or people helping me because I look helpless. And I felt kinda weak, because I had a tiny fall off my bike and my body just couldn’t take it and I had to sit down. Other people have fallen off their bikes far more painfully than I did and they just get back up and ride another 200km! So I felt disappointed in myself because I wasn’t strong enough to do that.
But it was good for me to fall off at last, because I know now that the ground is actually quite soft! I'm pretty sure that both my big bruises are from my bike rather than the ground, because I hit the ground with my right side and I don’t have any sore bits there at all!
But there is something just so peaceful about riding in the bush; where going downhill is just as hard and painful as going uphill; where all you can here is your peddling and the trees and wildlife around you; where you wheels just eat up the kilometres and before you know it, you’ve done 20 of them. I just enjoy riding so much, a thousand times more than running or swimming. I should do it more often, maybe even enough to enter a race in!
Yes, I shall do that.
:)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sisterly Worries
I got some news just now.
Some news that has made me worried.
Libby told the family at dinner today that she had changed groups. This was news to me, even though we go to the same school; I just hardly see her at school I wouldn’t have a clue who she hung out with. I asked who her new group was. And she told me whose group it was.
I don’t like her new group.
They’re the ones who have got a reputation for going out to parties and getting smashed. They’re the ones who I'm sure have got laid before; basically, God knows what they’ve been up to, certainly not stuff that I want my little sister to get involved in.
When she told me who she was now hanging out with, I made a scene, saying stuff like “But they go out drinking!” and whatever. Naturally, she gets fired up, saying that “Stephanie, you don’t even know them, you always just judge my friends, they don’t even go out and drunk and I would NEVER do that!”
Well, see the thing is Libby, is that I do actually know them.
I know the type of people they are and I have seen with my own eyes the type of people they become.
And I don’t want you to become one of them.
You say that you wouldn’t go to parties and get drunk and whatever.
But when your actually there?
You will.
Because everyone else will and you wont “be cool” if you don’t.
So dont get involved in the first place.
Why cant you see what they are like? Why cant you have friends that have their minds in the right places, that worry about schoolwork or their family instead of who their next going to hook up with or which party they are next going to go to?
Because you are too self-conscious and too self-absorbed and you must have the best of everything and be considered “cool”.
Can’t you see that “being cool” doesn’t matter? That wearing make-up and having the hottest boyfriend doesn’t matter? That having credit and being able to text people doesn’t matter? That having the newest fashion doesn’t matter? That going to Chermside every weekend doesn’t matter?
Why cant you see that all of this doesn’t matter?
What maters is what you will do with your life, getting good grades now so that you can use them later to get a job or go to uni.
Your just too much of a typical teenager, to concerned about the here and now to see the big picture. You cant see that how you perform in school now affects the rest of your life?
You cant make the wrong choices now because it will just screw everything up.
Which kinda sucks because your teenage years are where everything little seems important.
Geese I hate hormones. They just screw everything up.
God damn it.
But Libby please, please don’t do this. If you end up in the wrong group the rest of your life is affected. You need to see this. Please.
Please just get your priorities right.
“Being cool” isn’t important and you need to realise this.
I feel responsible, as your older sister, to teach you this. Mum and Dad cant, because they don’t understand; they’re not part of our generation, part of our culture to understand and to teach you what right and what’s wrong.
I know it sounds horrible, but why can’t you be more like me?
Why can’t you see who will get you into trouble and who will keep you on the right track?
Why can’t you not be so self-conscious and not worry about what everyone thinks of you?
But your not like me, so its harder to get you to understand.
Some news that has made me worried.
Libby told the family at dinner today that she had changed groups. This was news to me, even though we go to the same school; I just hardly see her at school I wouldn’t have a clue who she hung out with. I asked who her new group was. And she told me whose group it was.
I don’t like her new group.
They’re the ones who have got a reputation for going out to parties and getting smashed. They’re the ones who I'm sure have got laid before; basically, God knows what they’ve been up to, certainly not stuff that I want my little sister to get involved in.
When she told me who she was now hanging out with, I made a scene, saying stuff like “But they go out drinking!” and whatever. Naturally, she gets fired up, saying that “Stephanie, you don’t even know them, you always just judge my friends, they don’t even go out and drunk and I would NEVER do that!”
Well, see the thing is Libby, is that I do actually know them.
I know the type of people they are and I have seen with my own eyes the type of people they become.
And I don’t want you to become one of them.
You say that you wouldn’t go to parties and get drunk and whatever.
But when your actually there?
You will.
Because everyone else will and you wont “be cool” if you don’t.
So dont get involved in the first place.
Why cant you see what they are like? Why cant you have friends that have their minds in the right places, that worry about schoolwork or their family instead of who their next going to hook up with or which party they are next going to go to?
Because you are too self-conscious and too self-absorbed and you must have the best of everything and be considered “cool”.
Can’t you see that “being cool” doesn’t matter? That wearing make-up and having the hottest boyfriend doesn’t matter? That having credit and being able to text people doesn’t matter? That having the newest fashion doesn’t matter? That going to Chermside every weekend doesn’t matter?
Why cant you see that all of this doesn’t matter?
What maters is what you will do with your life, getting good grades now so that you can use them later to get a job or go to uni.
Your just too much of a typical teenager, to concerned about the here and now to see the big picture. You cant see that how you perform in school now affects the rest of your life?
You cant make the wrong choices now because it will just screw everything up.
Which kinda sucks because your teenage years are where everything little seems important.
Geese I hate hormones. They just screw everything up.
God damn it.
But Libby please, please don’t do this. If you end up in the wrong group the rest of your life is affected. You need to see this. Please.
Please just get your priorities right.
“Being cool” isn’t important and you need to realise this.
I feel responsible, as your older sister, to teach you this. Mum and Dad cant, because they don’t understand; they’re not part of our generation, part of our culture to understand and to teach you what right and what’s wrong.
I know it sounds horrible, but why can’t you be more like me?
Why can’t you see who will get you into trouble and who will keep you on the right track?
Why can’t you not be so self-conscious and not worry about what everyone thinks of you?
But your not like me, so its harder to get you to understand.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
My Physics Fire
Oh, and the fire was insuccessful at being lit :(
I shall have to try on the weekend.. sometime.. i have a busy weekend..
it shall be gooood! :D
I shall have to try on the weekend.. sometime.. i have a busy weekend..
it shall be gooood! :D
The Reason I Never Want to Die
I was listening to the news the other night and one particular line caught my attention.
I'm not sure what the story was about but the reporter said this:
“His brother’s death ripped his family apart.”
And I thought of something once again, that I have thought a few times lately.
I never want to die.
Not because I love life too much.
Well, I do love life, very much, and I would be sad to leave it. I'm sure that most people would.
But thats not the reason I never want to die.
The reason I never want to die is because it will cause other people pain.
Now, here I could be my modest self and say something like "well, at least I assume that I would cause people pain when I die and that hopefully no one would celebrate." But I know that I have people who love me very much and I know that those people will feel pain when I die.
But I don’t want to cause them pain.
I can’t bear the thought of someone being in so much pain because of me. After all, I am the one who is inflicting it upon them. And emotional pain is the worst sort of pain because it cannot be easily cured. There is always a cost of artificially removing that pain; either money wise (holiday etc) or physically (drugs, cutting etc). So I have come to one conclusion.
I'm just not going to die.
Simple.
I'm not sure what the story was about but the reporter said this:
“His brother’s death ripped his family apart.”
And I thought of something once again, that I have thought a few times lately.
I never want to die.
Not because I love life too much.
Well, I do love life, very much, and I would be sad to leave it. I'm sure that most people would.
But thats not the reason I never want to die.
The reason I never want to die is because it will cause other people pain.
Now, here I could be my modest self and say something like "well, at least I assume that I would cause people pain when I die and that hopefully no one would celebrate." But I know that I have people who love me very much and I know that those people will feel pain when I die.
But I don’t want to cause them pain.
I can’t bear the thought of someone being in so much pain because of me. After all, I am the one who is inflicting it upon them. And emotional pain is the worst sort of pain because it cannot be easily cured. There is always a cost of artificially removing that pain; either money wise (holiday etc) or physically (drugs, cutting etc). So I have come to one conclusion.
I'm just not going to die.
Simple.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Words from an Admin Lesson
So I'm sitting in class at the moment. Supposed to be doing work. Physics in fact. But see, because blogger is the ONE site that Mr Fisher hasn’t blocked, well that’s just like waving a piece of meat in front of a hungry lion. I just couldn’t not go on and blog, just to say that I'm blogging from class :P because im rebel like that LOL
But see, the thing is that, well I’ve already written 1000 words of my 1500 word physics write-up. (perhaps I should add that none of what I have written is actually counted in the word count..? never mind..)
I just got a bit distracted there, reading my older posts.
Geese, some of them are embarrassing.
Especially considering I now know who had read them..
But you know what?
I still feel the same way about you.
(argghh I'm going to kill myself, seriously, everything I write about seems to end up about you!)
Especially the post I need to tell you something, something important.
If you haven’t read that post, read it now. If you have read it, then read it again.
I have stupidly convinced myself that this can let you..
Never mind.
Stupid fantasies. They get my hopes up.
Anyway, I need to go now, the bell for morning tea is about to go.
And then I shall go to physics where I can be a pyromaniac!
WOO!
hahahahaha
But see, the thing is that, well I’ve already written 1000 words of my 1500 word physics write-up. (perhaps I should add that none of what I have written is actually counted in the word count..? never mind..)
I just got a bit distracted there, reading my older posts.
Geese, some of them are embarrassing.
Especially considering I now know who had read them..
But you know what?
I still feel the same way about you.
(argghh I'm going to kill myself, seriously, everything I write about seems to end up about you!)
Especially the post I need to tell you something, something important.
If you haven’t read that post, read it now. If you have read it, then read it again.
I have stupidly convinced myself that this can let you..
Never mind.
Stupid fantasies. They get my hopes up.
Anyway, I need to go now, the bell for morning tea is about to go.
And then I shall go to physics where I can be a pyromaniac!
WOO!
hahahahaha
If you died..
If you died, would you be happy with your life when it flashed before your eyes?
This is a question that is constantly asked.
And I think I have come up with an answer to it.
No I wouldn’t be happy with my life.
But I think thats because I expect too much from myself.
I see every little mistake that I make, and I wish so much that I hadn’t made it. I remember every little mistake that I have made and I regret it. I never forget any mistake that I make. I always know that I could do so much better, be better, achieve better. And that thought is always in the back of my mind. Perhaps thats why I dislike myself? Because I know every part of me and my mind and I know that it isn’t brilliant or wonderful or anything, but that it could be.
And thats why I dislike myself, because I'm not brilliant or wonderful or anything and I don’t try to be.
I don’t mean brilliant or wonderful in a snobby stuck-up kind of way. I need to be the smartest or the fastest runner or the most beautiful or the richest in the world. No, I'm talking about the things that matter.
The things like being kind or generous or not selfish or trustworthy or helpful. There’s so many of those things which I could be but a lot of the time I just let the opportunity go to be those things. That’s why I don’t like myself, because I let those opportunities go. I hate myself for doing so right after I have, but then the next time and the next time and the next time, I let all of those opportunities go as well.
Now, I'm owning up to those mistakes. I cant promise to be better because I know that probably wont happen. I hate myself for that as well.
At least I'm owning up to my mistakes though.
This is a question that is constantly asked.
And I think I have come up with an answer to it.
No I wouldn’t be happy with my life.
But I think thats because I expect too much from myself.
I see every little mistake that I make, and I wish so much that I hadn’t made it. I remember every little mistake that I have made and I regret it. I never forget any mistake that I make. I always know that I could do so much better, be better, achieve better. And that thought is always in the back of my mind. Perhaps thats why I dislike myself? Because I know every part of me and my mind and I know that it isn’t brilliant or wonderful or anything, but that it could be.
And thats why I dislike myself, because I'm not brilliant or wonderful or anything and I don’t try to be.
I don’t mean brilliant or wonderful in a snobby stuck-up kind of way. I need to be the smartest or the fastest runner or the most beautiful or the richest in the world. No, I'm talking about the things that matter.
The things like being kind or generous or not selfish or trustworthy or helpful. There’s so many of those things which I could be but a lot of the time I just let the opportunity go to be those things. That’s why I don’t like myself, because I let those opportunities go. I hate myself for doing so right after I have, but then the next time and the next time and the next time, I let all of those opportunities go as well.
Now, I'm owning up to those mistakes. I cant promise to be better because I know that probably wont happen. I hate myself for that as well.
At least I'm owning up to my mistakes though.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Because I know you read this
I just want to say something.
Because I know you read this.
STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD.
STOP MAKING ME SO FUCKING JEALOUS.
STOP PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS.
STOP BREAKING ME.
Only I know that all of this is actually my fault.
So I suppose I'm saying this to myself.
But please, I think I'm ready, I just wish that you were too.
I hate how much I love you.
Because I know you read this.
STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD.
STOP MAKING ME SO FUCKING JEALOUS.
STOP PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS.
STOP BREAKING ME.
Only I know that all of this is actually my fault.
So I suppose I'm saying this to myself.
But please, I think I'm ready, I just wish that you were too.
I hate how much I love you.
"I cant read you like a book."
It was recently pointed out to me that my face seems to give my feelings away, quite a lot. Possibly quite a lot more than what I would really like.
I had never really thought about it before; I just assumed that I was just as readable or unreadable as any other person; not one or the other, just normal. (but then again, what about me is normal? Hmmpphh.) I suppose I never really paid attention to what my face looked like. I think this is my problem. Because I never noticed, I never realised that almost exactly what I was thinking was just plastered across my face. I may as well have written it across my forehead.
Now there are positives in this and also negatives.
The positives are for other people. They are able to tell almost exactly what I'm thinking when they look at my face; most of them can tell when they’re annoying me and will stop or whatever. They are able to tell whether I'm telling the truth or not, what I really think about them, what I really want; just about pretty much anything.
Now, this is quite unfortunate for me. It means I can never hide anything because my stupid face will just give me straight away. It means that I will be unintentionally mean to people because they can see that I really think that they are not quite as pretty as I'm saying they are, or whatever. It means that because people can pretty much read my thoughts, they will see what a.. [hmmm I need the right word here..] horrible person I am? Well no, maybe not horrible, but certainly not as nice as I would like to be or appear. I might seem fake to them? I don’t want to seem fake. I try so hard not to be fake; I want to be myself; I like individualism and seeing as everyone else is trying so hard to be individual-the-same I want to be individual and be individual-not-the-same. If everyone is choosing one thing, I will go for the other, even if I don’t like it as much, because I want to be different. I hate following the crowd. I hate doing things the same way every time; I hate having the same thing as everyone else because that just makes me unimportant in a way. I will always, always go for the different option than everyone else because thats just the way I am.
Oh, and having my face so readable? It means that I can’t lie. It means that everyone knows my secrets and I don’t have anything to keep for myself. Everyone picks apart my secrets because they know them and then they become so distorted that they aren’t what they originally were. Only they’re still part of me because they are my secrets after all, so they change me. Make me something that I don’t want to be. Make me like everyone else.
So what I'm really trying to say?
Stop asking me about the B Factor. You get my hopes up and then convince me to do stupid things that I would never do if you hadn’t talked to me about it. Do you have any idea how many people in one day come up to me and ask me that one question? “Hows the B Factor?” I'm sure that the entire grade knows (not for the first time) about my life and all aspects of it. Would you guess that I'm actually quite a private person? Nope, because everybody has made what I'm not, and I'm not and don’t want to be a loud person. But I am.
Only there’s no point in posting this because only the people who this doesn’t apply to, who I want to tell my secrets to, they are the only ones who read this.
So there’s no point in posting this.
I had never really thought about it before; I just assumed that I was just as readable or unreadable as any other person; not one or the other, just normal. (but then again, what about me is normal? Hmmpphh.) I suppose I never really paid attention to what my face looked like. I think this is my problem. Because I never noticed, I never realised that almost exactly what I was thinking was just plastered across my face. I may as well have written it across my forehead.
Now there are positives in this and also negatives.
The positives are for other people. They are able to tell almost exactly what I'm thinking when they look at my face; most of them can tell when they’re annoying me and will stop or whatever. They are able to tell whether I'm telling the truth or not, what I really think about them, what I really want; just about pretty much anything.
Now, this is quite unfortunate for me. It means I can never hide anything because my stupid face will just give me straight away. It means that I will be unintentionally mean to people because they can see that I really think that they are not quite as pretty as I'm saying they are, or whatever. It means that because people can pretty much read my thoughts, they will see what a.. [hmmm I need the right word here..] horrible person I am? Well no, maybe not horrible, but certainly not as nice as I would like to be or appear. I might seem fake to them? I don’t want to seem fake. I try so hard not to be fake; I want to be myself; I like individualism and seeing as everyone else is trying so hard to be individual-the-same I want to be individual and be individual-not-the-same. If everyone is choosing one thing, I will go for the other, even if I don’t like it as much, because I want to be different. I hate following the crowd. I hate doing things the same way every time; I hate having the same thing as everyone else because that just makes me unimportant in a way. I will always, always go for the different option than everyone else because thats just the way I am.
Oh, and having my face so readable? It means that I can’t lie. It means that everyone knows my secrets and I don’t have anything to keep for myself. Everyone picks apart my secrets because they know them and then they become so distorted that they aren’t what they originally were. Only they’re still part of me because they are my secrets after all, so they change me. Make me something that I don’t want to be. Make me like everyone else.
So what I'm really trying to say?
Stop asking me about the B Factor. You get my hopes up and then convince me to do stupid things that I would never do if you hadn’t talked to me about it. Do you have any idea how many people in one day come up to me and ask me that one question? “Hows the B Factor?” I'm sure that the entire grade knows (not for the first time) about my life and all aspects of it. Would you guess that I'm actually quite a private person? Nope, because everybody has made what I'm not, and I'm not and don’t want to be a loud person. But I am.
Only there’s no point in posting this because only the people who this doesn’t apply to, who I want to tell my secrets to, they are the only ones who read this.
So there’s no point in posting this.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Friday Night.
So, Friday night.
You know, I was on a ride yesterday and I was thinking of what to write about Friday night.
I thought those two words ‘Friday night’ and then almost crashed.
Hmmm, I think that says it all?
Some of it was absolutely amazing. Truly. I have never seen everyone look so unbelievably beautiful. And I mean everyone looked beyond words, every single person at the semi. Everywhere I looked I just saw another beautiful face. Some people were totally unrecognisable because they looked so lovely. The time seemed to fly; there were too many photos taken, not many of them actually nice ones of me but never mind; I didn’t eat anything from 2 that afternoon until breakfast the next day (which is suprising seeing as I normally eat like a horse lol); I got the sorest feet I have ever had in my life, but it was SO worth it; my hair fell out within an hour of putting it up; amazingly I didn’t have mascara all down my cheeks by the end of the night; and we had some absolutely fantastic dares at the post (I was the lesbian for the night lol :P).
Some parts, not many but some, were not so good.
Quote for the night?
The problem with taking a hot date is that everyone steals him!
Hrrummpphhh.
Oh well, never mind, it still worked out reasonably well.
At least he now knows for sure.
Thank-you my owl, I cant thank you enough!
You know what the funny thing about Friday night was?
I really found who my friends were.
The ones who I hung out with. The ones who I wanted to hang out with. The ones I didn’t want to hang out with. The ones who I didn’t know before but now really like. The ones who annoyed me. The ones who I wanted to almost kiss because I found that love them so much. The ones who made the night fun.
All in all, Friday night was.. interesting. Fun. Upsetting? Wonderful. Beautiful. Depressing. Amazing. Enjoyable.
Indescribable.
You know, I was on a ride yesterday and I was thinking of what to write about Friday night.
I thought those two words ‘Friday night’ and then almost crashed.
Hmmm, I think that says it all?
Some of it was absolutely amazing. Truly. I have never seen everyone look so unbelievably beautiful. And I mean everyone looked beyond words, every single person at the semi. Everywhere I looked I just saw another beautiful face. Some people were totally unrecognisable because they looked so lovely. The time seemed to fly; there were too many photos taken, not many of them actually nice ones of me but never mind; I didn’t eat anything from 2 that afternoon until breakfast the next day (which is suprising seeing as I normally eat like a horse lol); I got the sorest feet I have ever had in my life, but it was SO worth it; my hair fell out within an hour of putting it up; amazingly I didn’t have mascara all down my cheeks by the end of the night; and we had some absolutely fantastic dares at the post (I was the lesbian for the night lol :P).
Some parts, not many but some, were not so good.
Quote for the night?
The problem with taking a hot date is that everyone steals him!
Hrrummpphhh.
Oh well, never mind, it still worked out reasonably well.
At least he now knows for sure.
Thank-you my owl, I cant thank you enough!
You know what the funny thing about Friday night was?
I really found who my friends were.
The ones who I hung out with. The ones who I wanted to hang out with. The ones I didn’t want to hang out with. The ones who I didn’t know before but now really like. The ones who annoyed me. The ones who I wanted to almost kiss because I found that love them so much. The ones who made the night fun.
All in all, Friday night was.. interesting. Fun. Upsetting? Wonderful. Beautiful. Depressing. Amazing. Enjoyable.
Indescribable.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
SOR lessons
You know what is surprising? The last few SOR lessons that Ive had have actually been quite enjoyable, and, even more surprising, I hav actually found myself looking forward to SOR. Maybe partly because my three most favourite people in the world are in my class, but also for another reason.
See, this term we are studying Hinduism.
*all who attend MtA groan because we studied it last year*
But this year we are looking at it in a slightly different way.
(actually I don’t know about any other class but I do know that Miss Bello’s class didn’t actually learn anything about Hinduism, seeing as we not once did any work! Haha it was great, eyy Garnet? :P)
We’re studying the sacred texts of Hinduism this term and trying to understand why Hindus live the way they do, where their beliefs came from, basically the history and the origins of Hinduism.
Now I know that may sound boring, but personally I find it quite interesting.
I suppose it is in part because I have never really been exposed to another religion other that Christianity before, at least not properly, with the opportunity to completely understand it.
And I must say that I do completely understand it, and I would even go so far as to say that I understand it way more that Christianity.
See, the one thing I really dislike about Christianity is it is so unbelievably contradictory and hypocritical that it basically just goes around in circles, and when one actually studies the intricate, seemingly ordered workings of it properly, they may find that it is in fact just one big, messed up sham.
e.g.one one of the seven commandments is that “Thou shalt not worship any other god other than God Himself.” (or something to the same effect anyway). Hmmm, sound fishy? Of course! That rule isn’t for the wellbeing of a follower of the church, it is for the wellbeing of the church itself! It certainly doesn’t want too loose its followers to a different religion, so why not make up a rule saying that this is a sin?!
However, while saying this, I must also admit that I believe in God. Its just the bible that I don’t believe in. I am sceptical on whether those stories actually happened because really, they are just a tad far fetched. Ok, I’ll admit, the general teachings of the bible; to be good and kind and don’t kill and so on, they are fantastic for humanity, because we are incredably stupid and really need rules like that to keep us all in order [unfortunately]. But I just don’t like the way that the church and other rather prominent believers seem to go around talking like those stories actually happend, when we all know that the likelihood is that they didn’t really.
Ok I’m getting slightly off-topic with this post at the moment but I cant help it because I'm reading The DaVinci Code at the moment and I need to have another rave about it!
Something that I have never really thought about before, until I had read The DaVinci Code was how sex is considered unclean and a work of the devil. For God’s sake (quite literally!) can’t a person have a bit of fun in their life?! It seems that God doesn’t like his little humans to enjoy something, so he decided to make it a horrible thing to do and make it almost forbidden. However, it isn’t actually God who made it unholy to have sex, it was actually stupid damn HUMANS who did, because their minds are fucked up and they like to create ant mounds out of mole hills. Who’s fucking idea was it to make sex such a “bad” thing to to?! Sex is not bad, nor should it be considered bad! It should not be considered unholy, dirty, devil’s work, impure, or anything else, because it isn’t! Sex is a wonderful thing, the union of two people’s bodies (and if you want, their souls as well) and I think that if two people want to do that then it is their own choice to. They should not be condemned by the church as sinful just because they may have had it out of wedlock. Who fucking cares if they had it out of wedlock?! Just because your married, does that mean your not even allowed to talk to another person, other than your partner?!
And another thing.
Why should nuns and priests take a vow to never have sex, and then be excommunicated if they do? Thats just ridiculous! Surely God isn’t so mean that he would deny his people pleasures like that? I mean, fair enough, they may want to only live simply or live in poverty, or give up all their possessions. Giving up material pleasures is reasonable because we don’t need them anyway. But if nuns need to give up sex, then shouldn’t they give up laughing? Thats a pleasure too isn’t it? Or what about having friends or talking to other people? They’re pleasures too, aren’t they? If you give up one you should give up all, in my opinion. Why should you deny yourself emotional pleasures? I believe that God wants his people to be happy, and if that means having sex, then so be it. Sex shouldn’t be considered bad. Special? Yes, sex is special, but in the same way that a friend or pet is special. You don’t deny yourself seeing your friend because she’s special do you? So you shouldn’t deny yourself having sex, just because it special either.
Stupid western society has put an importance on sex that I think it shouldn’t have. If you have had sex (well as a teenager anyway), well you’ll get some snobby looks, you’re obviously not very sensible, your careless, you probably will regret it in the future anyway. And it should be something that you don’t regret, you need to make your decision to have sex very carefully, loosing your virginity is a BIG thing, it should be with the right person, not just because. Who the hell made all this crap up? Its totally ridiculous and there is no real reason for it all anyway! And if you think about it, it was all western society that made us think like this; the human race has been indoctrinated to think that sex is bad but it isn’t.
If sex, or anything for that matter, wasnt made out to seem as big as what it is made out to seem, then one wouldnt "regret" it as much, or find it such a hard decision to make. It would just be considered another thing that one has done, not a huge milestone, but an important one none-the-less, like a birthday.
I suppose that the reason that sex was once considered bad is because if you had it too young and accidentally created a baby then you were being irresponsible because you were too young to take proper care for that baby. But in this day and age, where there are so many options like protection or abortion, there is no reason that sex should be considered bad. Basically, oh world of modern technology, you need modern values, not old-fashioned ones because they are irrelevant now.
In saying this, I dont mean that I want to go out and have sex right now. I'm just saying that if I did want to go out and have sex right now then I shouldn’t be frowned upon by all of society for doing so.
I suppose what I'm trying to do, in a rather roundabout way, is to point out humans' flaws and ridiculous beliefs that, as much as we may say were made up by some god, who may or may not exist, they were actually made up by mankind and therefore, we are just liars. And I dont like liars.
Now I'm not sure if I have completely contradicted myself here, just as I accused the church of doing, and I am far from finished in the rant against the church. However I think that I shall save it until I have finished reading The DaVinci Code for the second time.
Oh, I just realised that I never ended up saying what I actually wanted to say at the start about Hinduism. Oh well, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I shall save it for another day! :)
See, this term we are studying Hinduism.
*all who attend MtA groan because we studied it last year*
But this year we are looking at it in a slightly different way.
(actually I don’t know about any other class but I do know that Miss Bello’s class didn’t actually learn anything about Hinduism, seeing as we not once did any work! Haha it was great, eyy Garnet? :P)
We’re studying the sacred texts of Hinduism this term and trying to understand why Hindus live the way they do, where their beliefs came from, basically the history and the origins of Hinduism.
Now I know that may sound boring, but personally I find it quite interesting.
I suppose it is in part because I have never really been exposed to another religion other that Christianity before, at least not properly, with the opportunity to completely understand it.
And I must say that I do completely understand it, and I would even go so far as to say that I understand it way more that Christianity.
See, the one thing I really dislike about Christianity is it is so unbelievably contradictory and hypocritical that it basically just goes around in circles, and when one actually studies the intricate, seemingly ordered workings of it properly, they may find that it is in fact just one big, messed up sham.
e.g.one one of the seven commandments is that “Thou shalt not worship any other god other than God Himself.” (or something to the same effect anyway). Hmmm, sound fishy? Of course! That rule isn’t for the wellbeing of a follower of the church, it is for the wellbeing of the church itself! It certainly doesn’t want too loose its followers to a different religion, so why not make up a rule saying that this is a sin?!
However, while saying this, I must also admit that I believe in God. Its just the bible that I don’t believe in. I am sceptical on whether those stories actually happened because really, they are just a tad far fetched. Ok, I’ll admit, the general teachings of the bible; to be good and kind and don’t kill and so on, they are fantastic for humanity, because we are incredably stupid and really need rules like that to keep us all in order [unfortunately]. But I just don’t like the way that the church and other rather prominent believers seem to go around talking like those stories actually happend, when we all know that the likelihood is that they didn’t really.
Ok I’m getting slightly off-topic with this post at the moment but I cant help it because I'm reading The DaVinci Code at the moment and I need to have another rave about it!
Something that I have never really thought about before, until I had read The DaVinci Code was how sex is considered unclean and a work of the devil. For God’s sake (quite literally!) can’t a person have a bit of fun in their life?! It seems that God doesn’t like his little humans to enjoy something, so he decided to make it a horrible thing to do and make it almost forbidden. However, it isn’t actually God who made it unholy to have sex, it was actually stupid damn HUMANS who did, because their minds are fucked up and they like to create ant mounds out of mole hills. Who’s fucking idea was it to make sex such a “bad” thing to to?! Sex is not bad, nor should it be considered bad! It should not be considered unholy, dirty, devil’s work, impure, or anything else, because it isn’t! Sex is a wonderful thing, the union of two people’s bodies (and if you want, their souls as well) and I think that if two people want to do that then it is their own choice to. They should not be condemned by the church as sinful just because they may have had it out of wedlock. Who fucking cares if they had it out of wedlock?! Just because your married, does that mean your not even allowed to talk to another person, other than your partner?!
And another thing.
Why should nuns and priests take a vow to never have sex, and then be excommunicated if they do? Thats just ridiculous! Surely God isn’t so mean that he would deny his people pleasures like that? I mean, fair enough, they may want to only live simply or live in poverty, or give up all their possessions. Giving up material pleasures is reasonable because we don’t need them anyway. But if nuns need to give up sex, then shouldn’t they give up laughing? Thats a pleasure too isn’t it? Or what about having friends or talking to other people? They’re pleasures too, aren’t they? If you give up one you should give up all, in my opinion. Why should you deny yourself emotional pleasures? I believe that God wants his people to be happy, and if that means having sex, then so be it. Sex shouldn’t be considered bad. Special? Yes, sex is special, but in the same way that a friend or pet is special. You don’t deny yourself seeing your friend because she’s special do you? So you shouldn’t deny yourself having sex, just because it special either.
Stupid western society has put an importance on sex that I think it shouldn’t have. If you have had sex (well as a teenager anyway), well you’ll get some snobby looks, you’re obviously not very sensible, your careless, you probably will regret it in the future anyway. And it should be something that you don’t regret, you need to make your decision to have sex very carefully, loosing your virginity is a BIG thing, it should be with the right person, not just because. Who the hell made all this crap up? Its totally ridiculous and there is no real reason for it all anyway! And if you think about it, it was all western society that made us think like this; the human race has been indoctrinated to think that sex is bad but it isn’t.
If sex, or anything for that matter, wasnt made out to seem as big as what it is made out to seem, then one wouldnt "regret" it as much, or find it such a hard decision to make. It would just be considered another thing that one has done, not a huge milestone, but an important one none-the-less, like a birthday.
I suppose that the reason that sex was once considered bad is because if you had it too young and accidentally created a baby then you were being irresponsible because you were too young to take proper care for that baby. But in this day and age, where there are so many options like protection or abortion, there is no reason that sex should be considered bad. Basically, oh world of modern technology, you need modern values, not old-fashioned ones because they are irrelevant now.
In saying this, I dont mean that I want to go out and have sex right now. I'm just saying that if I did want to go out and have sex right now then I shouldn’t be frowned upon by all of society for doing so.
I suppose what I'm trying to do, in a rather roundabout way, is to point out humans' flaws and ridiculous beliefs that, as much as we may say were made up by some god, who may or may not exist, they were actually made up by mankind and therefore, we are just liars. And I dont like liars.
Now I'm not sure if I have completely contradicted myself here, just as I accused the church of doing, and I am far from finished in the rant against the church. However I think that I shall save it until I have finished reading The DaVinci Code for the second time.
Oh, I just realised that I never ended up saying what I actually wanted to say at the start about Hinduism. Oh well, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I shall save it for another day! :)
It would appear that after that post..
Hmmm just re-reading that post makes me think of something..
Perhaps I should be slightly worried how Saturday, Sunday and Monday should turn out?
Seeing as I am so sure that everything is going to go pretty well on Friday at the semi, and well I must admit that I hav had an absolutely excellent few days since Friday, sometime this is all going to catch up to me sometime..
But you know what? I'm not going to worry about that, just as my Topaz said, I have a wonderful life right now and I should make the most of it.
Perhaps I should be slightly worried how Saturday, Sunday and Monday should turn out?
Seeing as I am so sure that everything is going to go pretty well on Friday at the semi, and well I must admit that I hav had an absolutely excellent few days since Friday, sometime this is all going to catch up to me sometime..
But you know what? I'm not going to worry about that, just as my Topaz said, I have a wonderful life right now and I should make the most of it.
A saved post from last week.
I actually wrote this blog last wednesday, but i have decided to post it because i think that some things just need to be said. Thus the title of my blog lol. And also, as i have stated before, i am a big believer in acknowledging things in order to get over them.
So enjoy my wednesday night rant!
What goes up, must come down.
Unfortunately.
I am incredibly grateful for Saturday night, but did it really have to come back and get worse?
I do know that you cant just keep going up, everything just keep getting better because life just doesn’t work that way. So I knew that I would have to have small bad things happen to me after Saturday night so that everything can even out in the end.
I suppose that what I didn’t realise was that for everything to even out I had to come right back down, really, really far down, so that everything works out in the end. I suppose you could use the Hindu term of karma, making sure that everything is neutral.
So it started late on Monday night.
Well actually it kinda started on Monday morning when I got locked out of my homeroom and then went to the office and backchatted the principal.. luckily she didn’t take it to heart and I didn’t get in trouble. Then I also kinda snapped at the bus driver too.. now I feel horrible for doing so but at the time it seemed necessary. So I'm sorry Mrs Tuite and unknown bus driver.
Monday night I actually had a good shift at work, quite entertaining, and I talked to Judi and Naomi more than I ever had before just about anything really. We hadn’t really talked before much, me being shy, so the only things that I had really said to them was work related. “Is there anything for me to do?” being the main thing ive said to them.
So I came home from work in a good mood, had dinner and came on the computer to do homework.
And thats where the problems started.
See, I really needed to do my English (even tho I wouldn’t admit that to my mother) but I just couldn’t go on the computer without talking to BB on msn.. so I went on msn and got caught, had a big argument with mum, didn’t do my English, and ended up just sitting on the computer until 11:00pm just to defy mum because im too stubborn for my own good. And to top everything off that night, because I was all fired up I didn’t get to sleep until 11:45pm.
The next day wasn’t looking so great already.
Woke up half an hour later than what I should have, just managed to get to the bus stop on time, dropped my brand new ipod, lost my phone sock, forgot about the chemistry excursion, didn’t wear my sports uniform, was late to homeroom and had to get ANOTHER fucking late slip, embarrassed myself in front of the entire Japanese class having an exam because I’m just too damn loud, DIDNT fall in the creek (one of the only pluses of the whole day) got home, attempted to finish my English but got sidetracked by a certain BB who wasn’t actually paying any attention to me at all because he took five hours to reply to anything I said, embarrassed myself a few times with him, almost let it slip that I liked him a few times, still didn’t finish my English, only just didn’t get caught being on msn while supposed to be doing homework, rudely left BB because mum was coming, still didn’t finish that damn English, the computer pissed me off quite a few times, finally got around to crappily finishing my English powerpoint, didn’t even read it through and it was due the next day, was on the computer until 11:30pm again, was feeling depressed no thanks to BB, went out onto the roof eating chocolate to make me feel better (it didn’t work) and went to sleep about 12:15pm.
Not the best day of my life.
Today was much the same, because I was still feeling depressed from BB (geeze I hate you, I really do, you play with my emotions too much boy, and one day im just gonna snap) got to homeroom late by ONE FRIGGAN MINUTE so fucking Mr Hutchinson locked the fucking door in my face SO I HAD TO GET ANOTHER FUCKING LATE SLIP! I WASNT EVEN LATE FOR GOD’S SAKE! Then one good thing happened – I got my nike+ running chip. So I went for a 3km run, was good and happy during that run and felt good about myself.. got home and the friggan thing said that I had only run 0.96km in 15 minutes. Snapped at every person in my family during dinner because I was having a bad day then ended up breaking down in tears in front of them because nothing was going right.
In conclusion, Saturday night was so unbelievably amazing, but I payed for it by having the next few days just not going right. But if I was truthful, I would pay that price every day for the wonderfully amazing time I had on Saturday night. So thank-you God, for giving me that incredible dinner.. that included Brad’s four flavoured “ice-cream” that was fury, him hitting on Ryan and then doing stuff with me while flirting with Kristy, and the massive eight-person orgy that we had on the table, which the fat waitress lady joined in with.
p.s. just for the record, I think I have finally served my time in the bad day room, because after Wednesday things got better, perhaps because on Thursday I went to the ekka.. I don’t much like the ekka but looking at the artworks and horses and cows and stuff was really fun, not to mention going on the chairlift for free. So once again, thank-you God for making it all even out in the end.
So enjoy my wednesday night rant!
What goes up, must come down.
Unfortunately.
I am incredibly grateful for Saturday night, but did it really have to come back and get worse?
I do know that you cant just keep going up, everything just keep getting better because life just doesn’t work that way. So I knew that I would have to have small bad things happen to me after Saturday night so that everything can even out in the end.
I suppose that what I didn’t realise was that for everything to even out I had to come right back down, really, really far down, so that everything works out in the end. I suppose you could use the Hindu term of karma, making sure that everything is neutral.
So it started late on Monday night.
Well actually it kinda started on Monday morning when I got locked out of my homeroom and then went to the office and backchatted the principal.. luckily she didn’t take it to heart and I didn’t get in trouble. Then I also kinda snapped at the bus driver too.. now I feel horrible for doing so but at the time it seemed necessary. So I'm sorry Mrs Tuite and unknown bus driver.
Monday night I actually had a good shift at work, quite entertaining, and I talked to Judi and Naomi more than I ever had before just about anything really. We hadn’t really talked before much, me being shy, so the only things that I had really said to them was work related. “Is there anything for me to do?” being the main thing ive said to them.
So I came home from work in a good mood, had dinner and came on the computer to do homework.
And thats where the problems started.
See, I really needed to do my English (even tho I wouldn’t admit that to my mother) but I just couldn’t go on the computer without talking to BB on msn.. so I went on msn and got caught, had a big argument with mum, didn’t do my English, and ended up just sitting on the computer until 11:00pm just to defy mum because im too stubborn for my own good. And to top everything off that night, because I was all fired up I didn’t get to sleep until 11:45pm.
The next day wasn’t looking so great already.
Woke up half an hour later than what I should have, just managed to get to the bus stop on time, dropped my brand new ipod, lost my phone sock, forgot about the chemistry excursion, didn’t wear my sports uniform, was late to homeroom and had to get ANOTHER fucking late slip, embarrassed myself in front of the entire Japanese class having an exam because I’m just too damn loud, DIDNT fall in the creek (one of the only pluses of the whole day) got home, attempted to finish my English but got sidetracked by a certain BB who wasn’t actually paying any attention to me at all because he took five hours to reply to anything I said, embarrassed myself a few times with him, almost let it slip that I liked him a few times, still didn’t finish my English, only just didn’t get caught being on msn while supposed to be doing homework, rudely left BB because mum was coming, still didn’t finish that damn English, the computer pissed me off quite a few times, finally got around to crappily finishing my English powerpoint, didn’t even read it through and it was due the next day, was on the computer until 11:30pm again, was feeling depressed no thanks to BB, went out onto the roof eating chocolate to make me feel better (it didn’t work) and went to sleep about 12:15pm.
Not the best day of my life.
Today was much the same, because I was still feeling depressed from BB (geeze I hate you, I really do, you play with my emotions too much boy, and one day im just gonna snap) got to homeroom late by ONE FRIGGAN MINUTE so fucking Mr Hutchinson locked the fucking door in my face SO I HAD TO GET ANOTHER FUCKING LATE SLIP! I WASNT EVEN LATE FOR GOD’S SAKE! Then one good thing happened – I got my nike+ running chip. So I went for a 3km run, was good and happy during that run and felt good about myself.. got home and the friggan thing said that I had only run 0.96km in 15 minutes. Snapped at every person in my family during dinner because I was having a bad day then ended up breaking down in tears in front of them because nothing was going right.
In conclusion, Saturday night was so unbelievably amazing, but I payed for it by having the next few days just not going right. But if I was truthful, I would pay that price every day for the wonderfully amazing time I had on Saturday night. So thank-you God, for giving me that incredible dinner.. that included Brad’s four flavoured “ice-cream” that was fury, him hitting on Ryan and then doing stuff with me while flirting with Kristy, and the massive eight-person orgy that we had on the table, which the fat waitress lady joined in with.
p.s. just for the record, I think I have finally served my time in the bad day room, because after Wednesday things got better, perhaps because on Thursday I went to the ekka.. I don’t much like the ekka but looking at the artworks and horses and cows and stuff was really fun, not to mention going on the chairlift for free. So once again, thank-you God for making it all even out in the end.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
That Conversation..
that conversation was the best, funniest, most interesting, most frustrating, most entertaining, most facinating, most wonderful, most random, most amazing, saddest, worst, most depressing, longest, most expensive, most lovely, most unsure, most complicated, weirdest, most difficult, most odd, most happy, most GLORIOUS
conversation that i've ever had.
and in conclusion?
i'm completely and totally fucked.
conversation that i've ever had.
and in conclusion?
i'm completely and totally fucked.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I must have misplaced it.
Oh blogging tallent where have you gone?
here, tallent, tallent, tallent..
Why is it that i had interesting things to write about before and they came out right.. now they just dont!
how not fair?
here, tallent, tallent, tallent..
Why is it that i had interesting things to write about before and they came out right.. now they just dont!
how not fair?
Tonight, of all nights..
Well tonight was.. tonight just was.
Tonight was the best night I have had in a while. Not the best night ever, because that would be like comparing an apple and an orange.
Ok then put it this way:
It was one of the best nights I have ever had.
:)
I was actually quite looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time.
I mean, what if BB didn’t like my friends?
What if he didn’t get along with them or the guys?
What if I said something stupid, or it was awkward between us the whole night?
I admit, I was so scared about it going wrong that I didn’t even blog about it (and that’s unusual!).
But it went so smoothly I was almost in shock the whole night!
Everyone seemed to get along so well, it was like we were an old group of friends just going out for the night. Very surprisingly, it was not awkward between me and BB in the slightest, which was such a relief and quite exciting as well, I mean, think of all the possibilities..?! anyway I shouldn’t get my hopes up too much.
But we seemed to have a connection, an understanding, a special sort of friendship, maybe because, at the start, he only knew me. But anyway.
One thing that I want to bring up is how he says my name.
I have thought about this before, at Mount Beauty, when I heard Ruairidh say my name, when he introduced us to some new locals, in the tv room, on the couch. I knew then that there was something special there..
There are a lot of things in a name. You associate so many things with just a simple name, so naturally, how you say that name becomes significant because when you speak it, in your head you are thinking, simultaneously, about all the things associated with that single word. How you feel about that name, what it looks like, how you perceive it, your opinions on it. If you listen really closely when someone says a name, you can decipher everything that that person thinks about the name that they said.
I heard once that if someone says your name a lot while they talk to you, then they like you.
I sure hope that’s true!
Hahaha I sound so desperate but this blog is supposed to be a place where I don’t hide my true feelings so here they are, for the world to read.
So anyway, I was sort of listening to how BB says my name.. maybe there is something there? He certainly says it a lot more that what is really necessary! Maybe be likes the sound of it on his tongue.. he also likes nudging me..
But see I cant seem to decipher his actions! To me he seems so practiced in the area of how to behave around girls that this could be just how he treats all of them. But he still makes me feel special, like im the only one who matters to him. I like that. I wish he could be mine.
Im glad that Topaz, and im sure the others as well, approved of him. Personally im thinking how could they not? but then again, my opinion is biased, so as not to be counted.
All in all, tonight was an abosultely EXCELLENT night, and I now, more than ever,
CANNOT WAIT TILL SEMI!
But mostly the semi-post.
Tis going to be fun!
(p.s. errands-garnet, I hope that brad is invited to the post cuz I think hes looking forward to it.. sorry!)
p.p.s. sorry about my last post.. I kinda broke down crying half way through writing it and it didn’t really make sense in the first place.. it didn’t have the effect I was hoping for! OH WELL!
Tonight was the best night I have had in a while. Not the best night ever, because that would be like comparing an apple and an orange.
Ok then put it this way:
It was one of the best nights I have ever had.
:)
I was actually quite looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time.
I mean, what if BB didn’t like my friends?
What if he didn’t get along with them or the guys?
What if I said something stupid, or it was awkward between us the whole night?
I admit, I was so scared about it going wrong that I didn’t even blog about it (and that’s unusual!).
But it went so smoothly I was almost in shock the whole night!
Everyone seemed to get along so well, it was like we were an old group of friends just going out for the night. Very surprisingly, it was not awkward between me and BB in the slightest, which was such a relief and quite exciting as well, I mean, think of all the possibilities..?! anyway I shouldn’t get my hopes up too much.
But we seemed to have a connection, an understanding, a special sort of friendship, maybe because, at the start, he only knew me. But anyway.
One thing that I want to bring up is how he says my name.
I have thought about this before, at Mount Beauty, when I heard Ruairidh say my name, when he introduced us to some new locals, in the tv room, on the couch. I knew then that there was something special there..
There are a lot of things in a name. You associate so many things with just a simple name, so naturally, how you say that name becomes significant because when you speak it, in your head you are thinking, simultaneously, about all the things associated with that single word. How you feel about that name, what it looks like, how you perceive it, your opinions on it. If you listen really closely when someone says a name, you can decipher everything that that person thinks about the name that they said.
I heard once that if someone says your name a lot while they talk to you, then they like you.
I sure hope that’s true!
Hahaha I sound so desperate but this blog is supposed to be a place where I don’t hide my true feelings so here they are, for the world to read.
So anyway, I was sort of listening to how BB says my name.. maybe there is something there? He certainly says it a lot more that what is really necessary! Maybe be likes the sound of it on his tongue.. he also likes nudging me..
But see I cant seem to decipher his actions! To me he seems so practiced in the area of how to behave around girls that this could be just how he treats all of them. But he still makes me feel special, like im the only one who matters to him. I like that. I wish he could be mine.
Im glad that Topaz, and im sure the others as well, approved of him. Personally im thinking how could they not? but then again, my opinion is biased, so as not to be counted.
All in all, tonight was an abosultely EXCELLENT night, and I now, more than ever,
CANNOT WAIT TILL SEMI!
But mostly the semi-post.
Tis going to be fun!
(p.s. errands-garnet, I hope that brad is invited to the post cuz I think hes looking forward to it.. sorry!)
p.p.s. sorry about my last post.. I kinda broke down crying half way through writing it and it didn’t really make sense in the first place.. it didn’t have the effect I was hoping for! OH WELL!
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