Boys.
Don’t you just hate them?
They build up your trust, you’re just starting to depend on them,
And they go and break your heart.
Seriously, I think all boys are born with a talent for breaking girls hearts.
I’m beginning to think the world would just be so much better off without them.
Damn you Joshua Dean Stephens.
And others.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Dear Kristy,
I love you, Kristy. With all my heart.
You say the things that no one else will. They make me cry because I know you are right.
You are such a strong person and I hope you dont mind me leaning on you for support from time to time.
And that last part?
About how camping makes you forget about everything and you dont need to worry?
I know what you mean. My last week certainly was like that too.
I loved being away from everything.
Nothing to worry about.
Nothing to care about.
Plenty to do but none of it anything like what is done at home.
Suprisingly I did actually know what what most of that stuff was, the stuff that you need to know for camping but that the outside world wouldn't give a shit about. They don't know how much that stuff matters, how much a persons life can sometimes depend on it.
And it's sad.
But like you said,
Now I'm back.
*sigh*
You say the things that no one else will. They make me cry because I know you are right.
You are such a strong person and I hope you dont mind me leaning on you for support from time to time.
And that last part?
About how camping makes you forget about everything and you dont need to worry?
I know what you mean. My last week certainly was like that too.
I loved being away from everything.
Nothing to worry about.
Nothing to care about.
Plenty to do but none of it anything like what is done at home.
Suprisingly I did actually know what what most of that stuff was, the stuff that you need to know for camping but that the outside world wouldn't give a shit about. They don't know how much that stuff matters, how much a persons life can sometimes depend on it.
And it's sad.
But like you said,
Now I'm back.
*sigh*
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Cook for 1hr or until lightly brown.
This afternoon I made dinner for our family. I made a New York Meatloaf with leeks and tomato plus heaps of other yummy stuff like mince, sausage, capsicum, basil, nutmeg, Wiestershire sauce and I can’t remember all the other ingredients. I then went on to make dessert. On the menu was a Sticky Lemon Tart that is crispy on top and gooey underneath. Delicious!
But not cooking in such a long time has made me miss it. And now that I’m older I am far more patient and beating the egg whites until they are light and fluffy didn’t take nearly as long. I was able to appreciate having the time where I don’t have to think about anything except following the recipe and cutting the leeks in small slices.
I haven’t cooked for a long time.
When I was younger I used to cook quite a lot, making cakes, biscuits, muffins, all sorts of desserts and occasionally dinner of some sort.
Then I grew older and I spent more time on the computer or doing homework or going out.
When I was younger I used to cook quite a lot, making cakes, biscuits, muffins, all sorts of desserts and occasionally dinner of some sort.
Then I grew older and I spent more time on the computer or doing homework or going out.
I think I missed cooking.
Before I never really, really enjoyed it; I mean, sure I did enjoy it but I’m a rather clumsy person when it comes to cooking and I would always misread the recipe or spill something or do something or not beat it long enough or put in one thing before I was supposed to put in another. Cooking always took a long time for me because I always made so many mistakes and almost everything I wanted to cook required me to beat egg whites until they were light and fluffy. And that took a long time! Not to mention all of the cleaning up afterwards… But I still cooked because a) I liked licking the bowl and eating the yummy food afterwards and b) I liked getting the praise and making something for people who really enjoyed all my hard work.
But then all the "duties" that being older entailed kept me away from the kitchen and before today I hadn’t cooked in a long time.
Before I never really, really enjoyed it; I mean, sure I did enjoy it but I’m a rather clumsy person when it comes to cooking and I would always misread the recipe or spill something or do something or not beat it long enough or put in one thing before I was supposed to put in another. Cooking always took a long time for me because I always made so many mistakes and almost everything I wanted to cook required me to beat egg whites until they were light and fluffy. And that took a long time! Not to mention all of the cleaning up afterwards… But I still cooked because a) I liked licking the bowl and eating the yummy food afterwards and b) I liked getting the praise and making something for people who really enjoyed all my hard work.
But then all the "duties" that being older entailed kept me away from the kitchen and before today I hadn’t cooked in a long time.
But not cooking in such a long time has made me miss it. And now that I’m older I am far more patient and beating the egg whites until they are light and fluffy didn’t take nearly as long. I was able to appreciate having the time where I don’t have to think about anything except following the recipe and cutting the leeks in small slices.
And dinner turned out beautifully.
The end results:
It certainly was delicious!
But dad said something while I was cooking that made me think. He said that I should try and make dinner at least twice this week. And I am going to try and do that. That goal made me think of some other goals I have this week of the holidays.
The end results:
It certainly was delicious!
But dad said something while I was cooking that made me think. He said that I should try and make dinner at least twice this week. And I am going to try and do that. That goal made me think of some other goals I have this week of the holidays.
I am going to cook dinner at least twice. I will go for at least three decent runs. I will finally paint a picture on a canvas that I have had for a while. I will practice my flute at least four times. I will bake an assortment of goodies. I will finish my book. I will go for at least one ride, with whoever, on my bike.
I could just tell myself to do these goals but then I know they wont get done because no one is depending on me to complete these goals, in fact, no one even knows that I have these goals. But by telling you that I have these goals I now have to do them because you know about them and you will know if I compete them or not.
So I will complete these goals, before next Monday.
That gives me seven full days.
That gives me seven full days.
Wish me luck!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
An Update on the Past Week
I’m back.
And I must say, going away for a week, not talking to anyone back in Brisbane, just leaving everything behind, it was.. just what I needed. To leave everything behind and just not care about any o
f it, just think about something else for a whole week. It was what I needed, what has got me working again. And you know what I realised? I had not actually been camping since Mt Perry which was sometime in June and it was only for three days so it hardly counted. I missed camping, where you don’t have all the luxuries of home (no internet for instance! That certainly was the best part!) but where you have so much more fun and where you are so much more comfortable than you are at home. And I realised that even though I live in the city, I really am much much more of an outdoors sort of girl and thats where I am at home, being dirty and not caring about what you wear or how you look or, the best part, not having to wear shoes! I really do hate shoes..
The past week has been fantastic! Swimming in the ocean; wearing nothing but bikinis and pajamas the whole week; sun baking on the sand; taking about 10000 photos; walking around the tiny town of Woolgooga; going to all the op shops; watching movies in the Harland’s caravan; talking to the ho
t local boys *drooool!*; reading the DaVinci code; listening to my ipod for hours on end; falling asleep listening to the sound of the waves; getting stalked by scary curry men (this one particular Indian man kept stalking us the whole week we were there and it was pretty scary particularly because he looked like a pedo! :S); rock-hopping around the headland; collecting shells; making a huge sand castle mound thing that we turned into some kind of sand throne thing; talking to Gabrielle for hours while the sun went down lea
ving us sitting in the freezing sand; opera singing to the hot local boys; getting checked out by thirty year olds (that was kinda gross!); walking along the beach in the afternoons; going to bed at 9:30 every night and getting up at 7:30 every morning (I dunno what camping does to you but I always go to bed early and get up early when I camp!); stalking one particular hot local boy (that was fun
ny, thats me and Gabrielle using binoculars to watch him! Lol); getting checked out by about five different groups of hot local boys over the course of the week (ok well admittedly not all of them were hot but they were all still quite obviously checking us out!); the four of us going out in the kyack built for one person (we kinda sunk it! Lol); going shopping in Coffs Harbour; getting hit on by drunk local guy
s; shopping in all of the millions of hippy shops (there were three in the small town of Woolgooga and about 3000 in Coffs!) pigging out on lollies; buying Weis Mango Ice-cream Bars; pranking random people at night; and basically just doing whatever we wanted.
Of course it went far too quickly. Sunday was fantastic. Monday was slightly overcast, which was a bit disappointing. Tuesday was even more overcast. Wednesday I woke up hoping that it would be nice and sunny and I woke up to this:
That photo was taken at 10:00 in the morning.
That stupid dust storm! It hit the coast of NSW pretty bad and Wednesday was the only day I didn’t swim because it really was disgusting. We got out movies and watched them in the caravan instead :). Thursday made up for Wednesday though, because it was absolutely perfect. That was the day that I got my brilliant tan/sunburn. Friday was the same. Can you imagine waking up to this every morning?
I did miss you. Very much. Every time I looked at my phone I was reminded of you and how much I missed you and how long it had been since I had spoken to you (you were my wallpaper). I missed all of you, in fact. I talked about you of course. To Gabrielle and Isabelle. And you guys were all I thought about when I wasn’t doing something else. So now that I’ve had a week without you, I now need to have a week with you. See you everyday, all day.
Because I missed you.
My Topaz.
I think holidays always come just at the right time.
And I now don’t know how to end this.
So God bless the beach.
:)
And I must say, going away for a week, not talking to anyone back in Brisbane, just leaving everything behind, it was.. just what I needed. To leave everything behind and just not care about any o
f it, just think about something else for a whole week. It was what I needed, what has got me working again. And you know what I realised? I had not actually been camping since Mt Perry which was sometime in June and it was only for three days so it hardly counted. I missed camping, where you don’t have all the luxuries of home (no internet for instance! That certainly was the best part!) but where you have so much more fun and where you are so much more comfortable than you are at home. And I realised that even though I live in the city, I really am much much more of an outdoors sort of girl and thats where I am at home, being dirty and not caring about what you wear or how you look or, the best part, not having to wear shoes! I really do hate shoes..
The past week has been fantastic! Swimming in the ocean; wearing nothing but bikinis and pajamas the whole week; sun baking on the sand; taking about 10000 photos; walking around the tiny town of Woolgooga; going to all the op shops; watching movies in the Harland’s caravan; talking to the ho
t local boys *drooool!*; reading the DaVinci code; listening to my ipod for hours on end; falling asleep listening to the sound of the waves; getting stalked by scary curry men (this one particular Indian man kept stalking us the whole week we were there and it was pretty scary particularly because he looked like a pedo! :S); rock-hopping around the headland; collecting shells; making a huge sand castle mound thing that we turned into some kind of sand throne thing; talking to Gabrielle for hours while the sun went down lea
ving us sitting in the freezing sand; opera singing to the hot local boys; getting checked out by thirty year olds (that was kinda gross!); walking along the beach in the afternoons; going to bed at 9:30 every night and getting up at 7:30 every morning (I dunno what camping does to you but I always go to bed early and get up early when I camp!); stalking one particular hot local boy (that was fun
ny, thats me and Gabrielle using binoculars to watch him! Lol); getting checked out by about five different groups of hot local boys over the course of the week (ok well admittedly not all of them were hot but they were all still quite obviously checking us out!); the four of us going out in the kyack built for one person (we kinda sunk it! Lol); going shopping in Coffs Harbour; getting hit on by drunk local guy
s; shopping in all of the millions of hippy shops (there were three in the small town of Woolgooga and about 3000 in Coffs!) pigging out on lollies; buying Weis Mango Ice-cream Bars; pranking random people at night; and basically just doing whatever we wanted. 
Of course it went far too quickly. Sunday was fantastic. Monday was slightly overcast, which was a bit disappointing. Tuesday was even more overcast. Wednesday I woke up hoping that it would be nice and sunny and I woke up to this:
That photo was taken at 10:00 in the morning.That stupid dust storm! It hit the coast of NSW pretty bad and Wednesday was the only day I didn’t swim because it really was disgusting. We got out movies and watched them in the caravan instead :). Thursday made up for Wednesday though, because it was absolutely perfect. That was the day that I got my brilliant tan/sunburn. Friday was the same. Can you imagine waking up to this every morning?
I did miss you. Very much. Every time I looked at my phone I was reminded of you and how much I missed you and how long it had been since I had spoken to you (you were my wallpaper). I missed all of you, in fact. I talked about you of course. To Gabrielle and Isabelle. And you guys were all I thought about when I wasn’t doing something else. So now that I’ve had a week without you, I now need to have a week with you. See you everyday, all day.
Because I missed you.
My Topaz.
I think holidays always come just at the right time.
And I now don’t know how to end this.
So God bless the beach.
:)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
12:52am
Finally.
3,725 words, fifteen pages, hours and hours, plenty of tears, a few cups of coffee, and several thousand songs later I have finally done it.
Finished that bloody friggan chemistry eei.
So its 12:29am in the morning.
And last night it was 12:17am in the morning.
And the night before that it was 12 something.
And the night before that it was 11 something.
And the night before that..
Do you have any idea how much effort I have put into this chemistry? I didn’t realise it until now, just how much effort I have put in. Yes, mine isn’t as long as most others, but I’ve worked pretty damn hard at it. I doubt it will amount to anything but hey, I don’t think I can get worse than my physics eei..
Guess who was the biggest idiot in the world?
(hmmm isn’t that a silly question; it must be steph of course!)
I didn’t realise until about 15 minutes ago that for every test we did there is what the good results should be and what the bad results should be. So here I was, trying to google whether or not 54% DO in our water was good or not. This assignment has actually been the one and only where google has not been helpful! THAT MUST BE A RECORD!
My last assignment for this term. Done, completed, finished, over.
And I don’t care that my font is ugly. (I am usually quite paranoid about my font!)
I don’t care that it isn’t as long as most of the others.
I don’t care that I only have five different sections on my contents page.
I don’t care that I only have three bibliography references.
I don’t care that I just threw in a few in text references at the last minute when Topaz reminded me at 11:30 tonight.
I don’t care that those in text references are referenced wrong.
I don’t care that on my 12th page there are only three lines because there is just too many to fit on the last page before I go onto my conclusion.
I don’t care that I am going to be so unbelievably tired tomorrow and probably not enjoy cultural/elise’s not as much as I could.
I don’t care that one of my best friends wont talk to me because of something that I did.
I don’t care that in the past few weeks I’ve been someone else, someone who I really don’t like.
I don’t care that I havnt done exercise in about a week because I’ve been studying.
I don’t care that I'm not on the best terms with a few people who really matter to me.
I don’t care.
Because I have finished my Chemistry eei, and tomorrow is cultural festival and the last day of term three, and tomorrow I will see my friends, and on saturday I will be at the beach, away from this, away from school, away from everything except the sand and the waves.
Today wasn’t a good day.
FML was said a lot.
But you know what?
Like my baby said.
Life is good.
:)
3,725 words, fifteen pages, hours and hours, plenty of tears, a few cups of coffee, and several thousand songs later I have finally done it.
Finished that bloody friggan chemistry eei.
So its 12:29am in the morning.
And last night it was 12:17am in the morning.
And the night before that it was 12 something.
And the night before that it was 11 something.
And the night before that..
Do you have any idea how much effort I have put into this chemistry? I didn’t realise it until now, just how much effort I have put in. Yes, mine isn’t as long as most others, but I’ve worked pretty damn hard at it. I doubt it will amount to anything but hey, I don’t think I can get worse than my physics eei..
Guess who was the biggest idiot in the world?
(hmmm isn’t that a silly question; it must be steph of course!)
I didn’t realise until about 15 minutes ago that for every test we did there is what the good results should be and what the bad results should be. So here I was, trying to google whether or not 54% DO in our water was good or not. This assignment has actually been the one and only where google has not been helpful! THAT MUST BE A RECORD!
My last assignment for this term. Done, completed, finished, over.
And I don’t care that my font is ugly. (I am usually quite paranoid about my font!)
I don’t care that it isn’t as long as most of the others.
I don’t care that I only have five different sections on my contents page.
I don’t care that I only have three bibliography references.
I don’t care that I just threw in a few in text references at the last minute when Topaz reminded me at 11:30 tonight.
I don’t care that those in text references are referenced wrong.
I don’t care that on my 12th page there are only three lines because there is just too many to fit on the last page before I go onto my conclusion.
I don’t care that I am going to be so unbelievably tired tomorrow and probably not enjoy cultural/elise’s not as much as I could.
I don’t care that one of my best friends wont talk to me because of something that I did.
I don’t care that in the past few weeks I’ve been someone else, someone who I really don’t like.
I don’t care that I havnt done exercise in about a week because I’ve been studying.
I don’t care that I'm not on the best terms with a few people who really matter to me.
I don’t care.
Because I have finished my Chemistry eei, and tomorrow is cultural festival and the last day of term three, and tomorrow I will see my friends, and on saturday I will be at the beach, away from this, away from school, away from everything except the sand and the waves.
Today wasn’t a good day.
FML was said a lot.
But you know what?
Like my baby said.
Life is good.
:)
Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde
Hyde rejette lui permettant de lui réagir comme il l'a fait. Il pourrait il aider ? Elle est venu le long et a pris son amour pour qui il a aimé plus de rien. Comment il n'a pas pu être jaloux que son amour maintenant pourparlers plus lui que son amour ne à Hyde lui-même ? Comment pourrait il pas lash out à lui comme il l'a fait ? Et comment pourrait il possible reprocher celui qui qu'il aime s'éteindre avec elle ? Elle n'a aucune activité en prenant son amour de lui. Il veut son amour si mal, plus de quoi que ce soit. Mais lorsqu'elle est venu le long et a pris son amour de lui, il a été blessé. Profondément. Il a été choqué que celui qui il considérait comme son ami prendrait son un amour loin de lui. Il dit des choses. Choses qui ont été mélangées en cours de route, mal interprétés et mal compris.
Jekyll rejette lui-même. Pourquoi est-ce que cet un amour même compte pour lui ? Il y aura beaucoup d'autres. Ce «amour» a de nombreux défauts. Il sait qu'ils ne sont pas bonnes pour les uns des autres. Ils ne répondent pas à l'autre. Il n'y a aucun espoir de jamais étant ensemble. Et maintenant, car Hyde arrimés à l'un de ses meilleurs amis, il a perdu son ainsi. Il n'était pas sa faute. Comment est elle de savoir que son amour serait aimer plus que Jekyll lui-même ? Elle est son ami et il est certain qu'elle prendrait jamais la personne qu'il aime loin de lui. Maintenant, qui est plus important ? Un amour condamné ou un meilleur ami ?
So when Jekyll and Hyde disagree so much, how can they come to an agreement? How can they decide who is in the wrong when both of them so strongly believe that a different person is to blame? How can they ever agree?
Jekyll rejette lui-même. Pourquoi est-ce que cet un amour même compte pour lui ? Il y aura beaucoup d'autres. Ce «amour» a de nombreux défauts. Il sait qu'ils ne sont pas bonnes pour les uns des autres. Ils ne répondent pas à l'autre. Il n'y a aucun espoir de jamais étant ensemble. Et maintenant, car Hyde arrimés à l'un de ses meilleurs amis, il a perdu son ainsi. Il n'était pas sa faute. Comment est elle de savoir que son amour serait aimer plus que Jekyll lui-même ? Elle est son ami et il est certain qu'elle prendrait jamais la personne qu'il aime loin de lui. Maintenant, qui est plus important ? Un amour condamné ou un meilleur ami ?
So when Jekyll and Hyde disagree so much, how can they come to an agreement? How can they decide who is in the wrong when both of them so strongly believe that a different person is to blame? How can they ever agree?
I sat for an hour underneath that tree, covered in yellow flowers just in bloom. I listened to Paramore blaring in my ear; the crashing of the drums and the strumming of the guitar that did not block out the argument going on around me.
Jekyll and Hyde did not come to an agreement.
And when I say ‘sorry’,
I don’t just say it to you.
I say it to all those who I have hurt.
It’s just they won’t listen.
So I say ‘sorry’ only to you.
But when I say it to you,
I really mean ‘sorry’
To everyone.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Story of Job
She’s right.
She’s also right.
We’re all so right.
We are all talking about the same thing.
So why is it that we all feel so alone, like no one else is going through the same thing?
Study of Religion, Period 1, A202, Mount Alvernia College, 16 September 2009
“Job is quite an insightful story. It tells of how a man, Job, had many horrible things happen to him. And he questioned God as to why all these bad things had happened to him.
“ ‘Why, God, have you bestowed upon me such misfortune? What have I done to deserve this?’
“And God answered,
“ ‘It is not for mankind to ask of God why he may do things. God understands why he does these thing, because yes, he does them for a reason. But man does not have the ability to understand the reasoning behind the mighty God’s actions. Man must simply accept His choices and deal with them, for God’s choices are life and they are what make life and break it.’
“This was both the Jews and the Christians answer to the one question that is the hardest to answer.
“ ‘Why, if God loves us so much, does he allow such suffering upon his chosen people?’ ”
But oh, that God would speak, and open his lips to you, and that he would tell you the secrets of wisdom! For he is manifold in understanding. Know then that God exacts of you less than your guilt deserves. Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find the limit of the Almighty? It is higher than heaven – what can you do? Deeper than Sheol – what can you know? Its measure is longer than the earth, and broader than the sea. If he passes through, and imprisons, and calls to judgement, who can hinder him? Job, Chapter 11, Verses 6-10
She’s also right.
We’re all so right.
We are all talking about the same thing.
So why is it that we all feel so alone, like no one else is going through the same thing?
Study of Religion, Period 1, A202, Mount Alvernia College, 16 September 2009
“Job is quite an insightful story. It tells of how a man, Job, had many horrible things happen to him. And he questioned God as to why all these bad things had happened to him.
“ ‘Why, God, have you bestowed upon me such misfortune? What have I done to deserve this?’
“And God answered,
“ ‘It is not for mankind to ask of God why he may do things. God understands why he does these thing, because yes, he does them for a reason. But man does not have the ability to understand the reasoning behind the mighty God’s actions. Man must simply accept His choices and deal with them, for God’s choices are life and they are what make life and break it.’
“This was both the Jews and the Christians answer to the one question that is the hardest to answer.
“ ‘Why, if God loves us so much, does he allow such suffering upon his chosen people?’ ”
But oh, that God would speak, and open his lips to you, and that he would tell you the secrets of wisdom! For he is manifold in understanding. Know then that God exacts of you less than your guilt deserves. Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find the limit of the Almighty? It is higher than heaven – what can you do? Deeper than Sheol – what can you know? Its measure is longer than the earth, and broader than the sea. If he passes through, and imprisons, and calls to judgement, who can hinder him? Job, Chapter 11, Verses 6-10
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's good to be back!
I’m outside again.
The weather was nice today.
A few clouds in sight.
I can smell summer on the way.
Today it seems I just can’t get enough of outside. There were a few clouds in sight, yes, but funnily enough today’s weather was far better than yesterdays.
For one reason.
I AM COMPETELY AND TOTALLY FINISHED ALL MY EXAMS FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS!
(ok well I do have a chemistry assignment left to do which I thankfully got an extension on until Friday, but it doesn’t count because Friday is ages away and I'm sure I’ll get it done by then.. *touch wood*)
It is so unbelievably surprising how much of a difference being exam free makes me. I could feel these last few weeks the normal me slipping away and getting buried under stress. I could see that she was disappearing but I didn’t really know why or how to make her come back. I d
idn’t realise until my stress was gone that I was even stressed. But I was. But I'm not any longer!
Goodbye exams, goodbye stress, goodbye homework, see you again sometime in October!
Today started off just like the other days; without a brain, feeling like mush, for some reason incredibly tired. Did my chemistry exam, failed not quite miserably but almost, and then went to HJ’s.
It is amazing how much a cheeseburger stunner deal can revitalise the mind and spirit! Not to mention the free refills.. I had three of them :S That was the best time filling my face with unhealthy food and not caring about getting fat; talking (and laughing!) quite loudly; not worrying about exams or anything. We then walked to Kristy’s house and had lots and lots of sex and dancing! That was what got me back to normal; dancing and singing all the wrong notes at the top of my lungs. I felt the old me come back finally, back where she belonged.
No more stress, no more saying things I don’t mean, no more loosing my mind.
I can smell the beach now, more than ever.
For the first time in quite a long time I actually had fun in choir, instead of thinking that I could be using this time to do assignments.
Do you have any idea how weird it is to come home and not have piles of homework to do? I actually have free time now, instead of always having to sneak on msn at 10 at night (when there is no one on anyway).
Oh and Greenday is my absolute FAVOURITE, writing such a bloody brilliant song like Jesus of Suburbia to which me and my owl sung along to for the entire 9 minutes and 8 seconds that it goes for and to which the real me finally came out of hiding :)
But highlight of the whole day?
Singing to High School Musical song Breaking Free.
(Brilliant filming skills by the way, Topaz!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAuS7yMDT6s
Best day of my life, spent with some of the people who I love.
Tianna, Kristy, Erin, Bec, Elise, Neville, Gabe & Camilla
Thanks for making this one such a great day :)
And welcome back old Stepho :)
The weather was nice today.
A few clouds in sight.
I can smell summer on the way.
Today it seems I just can’t get enough of outside. There were a few clouds in sight, yes, but funnily enough today’s weather was far better than yesterdays.
For one reason.
I AM COMPETELY AND TOTALLY FINISHED ALL MY EXAMS FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS!
(ok well I do have a chemistry assignment left to do which I thankfully got an extension on until Friday, but it doesn’t count because Friday is ages away and I'm sure I’ll get it done by then.. *touch wood*)
It is so unbelievably surprising how much of a difference being exam free makes me. I could feel these last few weeks the normal me slipping away and getting buried under stress. I could see that she was disappearing but I didn’t really know why or how to make her come back. I d
idn’t realise until my stress was gone that I was even stressed. But I was. But I'm not any longer!Goodbye exams, goodbye stress, goodbye homework, see you again sometime in October!
Today started off just like the other days; without a brain, feeling like mush, for some reason incredibly tired. Did my chemistry exam, failed not quite miserably but almost, and then went to HJ’s.
It is amazing how much a cheeseburger stunner deal can revitalise the mind and spirit! Not to mention the free refills.. I had three of them :S That was the best time filling my face with unhealthy food and not caring about getting fat; talking (and laughing!) quite loudly; not worrying about exams or anything. We then walked to Kristy’s house and had lots and lots of sex and dancing! That was what got me back to normal; dancing and singing all the wrong notes at the top of my lungs. I felt the old me come back finally, back where she belonged.
No more stress, no more saying things I don’t mean, no more loosing my mind.
I can smell the beach now, more than ever.
For the first time in quite a long time I actually had fun in choir, instead of thinking that I could be using this time to do assignments.
Do you have any idea how weird it is to come home and not have piles of homework to do? I actually have free time now, instead of always having to sneak on msn at 10 at night (when there is no one on anyway).
Oh and Greenday is my absolute FAVOURITE, writing such a bloody brilliant song like Jesus of Suburbia to which me and my owl sung along to for the entire 9 minutes and 8 seconds that it goes for and to which the real me finally came out of hiding :)But highlight of the whole day?
Singing to High School Musical song Breaking Free.
(Brilliant filming skills by the way, Topaz!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAuS7yMDT6s
Best day of my life, spent with some of the people who I love.
Tianna, Kristy, Erin, Bec, Elise, Neville, Gabe & Camilla
Thanks for making this one such a great day :)
And welcome back old Stepho :)
I think you were missed.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Insanity
It seems I'm closer to it than I thought.
I'm sorry.
To Tianna.
To Erin.
To Kristy.
To Bec.
To Elise.
To Madi.
To Caitlin.
To Megan.
To Mum.
To Dad.
To Molly.
To Brad.
To Courtney.
To Josh.
To Stacey.
To Reannah.
To everyone.
I'm sorry.
For being insane, for loosing my head, for breaking down, for not being happy, for hurting you, for scaring you, for lying, for loving you, for being truthful, for annoying you, for making you hate me, for hating you, for being me, for being selfish, for no trying hard enough, for everything.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
To Tianna.
To Erin.
To Kristy.
To Bec.
To Elise.
To Madi.
To Caitlin.
To Megan.
To Mum.
To Dad.
To Molly.
To Brad.
To Courtney.
To Josh.
To Stacey.
To Reannah.
To everyone.
I'm sorry.
For being insane, for loosing my head, for breaking down, for not being happy, for hurting you, for scaring you, for lying, for loving you, for being truthful, for annoying you, for making you hate me, for hating you, for being me, for being selfish, for no trying hard enough, for everything.
I'm sorry.
The Weather
The weather was nice today.
Not a cloud in sight.
I can smell summer on the way.
I took my laptop out into the sun today. It was nice. Slight breeze, hot sun, ipod in my ears. Didn’t make doing chemistry any easier. Why is it that the one subject I am literally failing is the one that I cant do? It’s like I have a block on my mind that stops me doing it. But I can’t fail again.
This exam block has gone alright so far. I reckon I did pretty well in English, SOR was pretty good, I didn’t fail maths, drama went alright, physics was probably a fail. Its just chem. Hmppphh.
Less than a week and I’ll be gone from the state, into NSW, and to the beeeeeeach!
I haven’t been to the beach in so long, not since easter last year. It will be so good to hear the waves, feel them pulling you, hear the bubbles in your ears, the sand between your toes, the sun burning you like a crisp, the trees rustling in the breeze.. I could almost be there now.
I just have chem left to go.
Just have chem left to fail.
I should really be more positive. It’s just that I have lost interest. In school. In everything. I know that I shouldn’t. But how can I help it when my brain is like mush? I know what’s done it. And I hate it that it could affect me like this. Why?
Isn’t that always the question?
Why?
God doesn’t need to give us a reason why. He will do things, and it is not our place to question His motives. We need to accept it, let things be. We should not ask him for things either. I shouldn’t. I know he has far more important people out there to care about. I should let Him care for those people and not waste His time with me.
The weather was nice today.
I wont fail. I wont be jealous of her. I have a wonderful husband and two of the most precious gemstones found on this earth. I don’t need you. I need you so much. How can I not be jealous? Why can’t I be happy with what I have? Please don’t let me fail. Why can’t I be happier? Stop me thinking of all of the bad things, the things I don’t have. Or rather, just one of them, the thing that you have, on top of everything else. It’s this time of the year. Why can’t I blame myself instead of everyone else? It’s you I should be hating. Why can’t I hate you? I don’t want to be this selfish. I wish I wasn’t so confused. Why is it that I have to hurt everyone? I don’t want anyone to worry. I can’t give up those things, even for you. I wish I didn’t want what I can’t have. I want to do more to help. Don’t let me give up.
Not a cloud in sight.
nitrate was in the water. The colour of the creek water was closest to the colour saying that there was less than 10mg/L of nitrate in the water, however, it was still quite different. Therefore, it was concluded that there was much less that ten milligrams per litre of nitrate in the water, which is a very small amount. The water was then testedforthepresenceofcommonanions.Itwasfoundthattherewasnosulphateorphosphateinthewater,however,theexperimenthoioeadnvioehuoirnkalsdhfoiuwhelfkndsihvoichdjkrnfoaijsdlknfoaihweoisnfvlknoiahoiskndfla;oslkdjnfvejanfanjksldn vjilahkdslnfkjanbjsd
I don’t know what ive done.
Or if I like what ie become.
But something told me to run,
And honey,
You don’t leave it so I run.
There were sounds in my head,
Little voices whispering.
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening.
Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you,
All I know is that I should.
And I don’t know if I can stand another hand upon you,
All I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could,
She who dares to stand where I stood.
You ask if I need to talk.
Yes, I say.
I always need to talk to you.
I can smell summer on the way.
Not a cloud in sight.
I can smell summer on the way.
I took my laptop out into the sun today. It was nice. Slight breeze, hot sun, ipod in my ears. Didn’t make doing chemistry any easier. Why is it that the one subject I am literally failing is the one that I cant do? It’s like I have a block on my mind that stops me doing it. But I can’t fail again.
This exam block has gone alright so far. I reckon I did pretty well in English, SOR was pretty good, I didn’t fail maths, drama went alright, physics was probably a fail. Its just chem. Hmppphh.
Less than a week and I’ll be gone from the state, into NSW, and to the beeeeeeach!
I haven’t been to the beach in so long, not since easter last year. It will be so good to hear the waves, feel them pulling you, hear the bubbles in your ears, the sand between your toes, the sun burning you like a crisp, the trees rustling in the breeze.. I could almost be there now.
I just have chem left to go.
Just have chem left to fail.
I should really be more positive. It’s just that I have lost interest. In school. In everything. I know that I shouldn’t. But how can I help it when my brain is like mush? I know what’s done it. And I hate it that it could affect me like this. Why?
Isn’t that always the question?
Why?
God doesn’t need to give us a reason why. He will do things, and it is not our place to question His motives. We need to accept it, let things be. We should not ask him for things either. I shouldn’t. I know he has far more important people out there to care about. I should let Him care for those people and not waste His time with me.
The weather was nice today.
I wont fail. I wont be jealous of her. I have a wonderful husband and two of the most precious gemstones found on this earth. I don’t need you. I need you so much. How can I not be jealous? Why can’t I be happy with what I have? Please don’t let me fail. Why can’t I be happier? Stop me thinking of all of the bad things, the things I don’t have. Or rather, just one of them, the thing that you have, on top of everything else. It’s this time of the year. Why can’t I blame myself instead of everyone else? It’s you I should be hating. Why can’t I hate you? I don’t want to be this selfish. I wish I wasn’t so confused. Why is it that I have to hurt everyone? I don’t want anyone to worry. I can’t give up those things, even for you. I wish I didn’t want what I can’t have. I want to do more to help. Don’t let me give up.
Not a cloud in sight.
nitrate was in the water. The colour of the creek water was closest to the colour saying that there was less than 10mg/L of nitrate in the water, however, it was still quite different. Therefore, it was concluded that there was much less that ten milligrams per litre of nitrate in the water, which is a very small amount. The water was then testedforthepresenceofcommonanions.Itwasfoundthattherewasnosulphateorphosphateinthewater,however,theexperimenthoioeadnvioehuoirnkalsdhfoiuwhelfkndsihvoichdjkrnfoaijsdlknfoaihweoisnfvlknoiahoiskndfla;oslkdjnfvejanfanjksldn vjilahkdslnfkjanbjsd
I don’t know what ive done.
Or if I like what ie become.
But something told me to run,
And honey,
You don’t leave it so I run.
There were sounds in my head,
Little voices whispering.
That I should go and this should end
Oh, and I found myself listening.
Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you,
All I know is that I should.
And I don’t know if I can stand another hand upon you,
All I know is that I should.
Cause she will love you more than I could,
She who dares to stand where I stood.
You ask if I need to talk.
Yes, I say.
I always need to talk to you.
I can smell summer on the way.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Μια συγγνώμη
I think perhaps I owe an explanation.
To those who deserve it.
To the ones who don’t?
You know who you are. And I don’t think this applies to you.
The other night.
I wrote about a girl.
A girl that I hate, a girl that none of you know.
A girl that I don’t think any of you will ever know.
She’s tricky and cunning. She’s everything that I said she was.
But I think she is gone now.
Me writing that has made her realise.
So you see, there was a reason for me to write that. I knew what was going to happen in the end. And I had every right to say the things I did. She doesn’t have the right to tell me that I don’t have the right. Because she doesn’t know what I know, and she never will. And I’m never going to tell her. I don’t have an obligation to tell her everything that happens in my life. Which means she doesn’t have the right to judge me. Just like she herself said, how can you judge someone when you don’t know them? And she doesn’t know me, doesn’t know my story.
I apologize.
For my atrocious language.
For my anger.
For my truthfulness.
For breaking.
For lying.
For being honest.
For not being clear enough in what I meant.
For hurting those who I love, dearly.
Elise, I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. And I always will.
I’m sorry.
I really do hate her.
That girl.
Who ruined my life.
But none of you need to worry any longer.
Because she is gone,
and I made her go away.
To those who deserve it.
To the ones who don’t?
You know who you are. And I don’t think this applies to you.
The other night.
I wrote about a girl.
A girl that I hate, a girl that none of you know.
A girl that I don’t think any of you will ever know.
She’s tricky and cunning. She’s everything that I said she was.
But I think she is gone now.
Me writing that has made her realise.
So you see, there was a reason for me to write that. I knew what was going to happen in the end. And I had every right to say the things I did. She doesn’t have the right to tell me that I don’t have the right. Because she doesn’t know what I know, and she never will. And I’m never going to tell her. I don’t have an obligation to tell her everything that happens in my life. Which means she doesn’t have the right to judge me. Just like she herself said, how can you judge someone when you don’t know them? And she doesn’t know me, doesn’t know my story.
I apologize.
For my atrocious language.
For my anger.
For my truthfulness.
For breaking.
For lying.
For being honest.
For not being clear enough in what I meant.
For hurting those who I love, dearly.
Elise, I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you. And I always will.
I’m sorry.
I really do hate her.
That girl.
Who ruined my life.
But none of you need to worry any longer.
Because she is gone,
and I made her go away.
The Reason
But do you have any idea what their life is like, or who they are? No, you fucking don't. So why fucking judge, before you fucking know? A person can look and act however they want, and they shouldn't have to feel like everything about them is being judged. So why do it? Why add to their insecurities? Why would you believe that you have that right?
Taken straight from the horse's mouth.
Perhaps, in the end, we are all just saying these things to ourselves?
She didn't know anything.
She was the one who made it that tiny bit worse.
She was the reason I tipped over the edge, into that dark abyss.
She didn't know anything.
Taken straight from the horse's mouth.
Perhaps, in the end, we are all just saying these things to ourselves?
She didn't know anything.
She was the one who made it that tiny bit worse.
She was the reason I tipped over the edge, into that dark abyss.
She didn't know anything.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I hate you
I hate you.
I fucking hate you.
Do you have any idea what you do to people?
Do you have any idea what other people think of you?
Do you have any idea about anything other than yourself?
Of course not.
Your you remember?
Everything is about you.
Who cares about anyone else?
Of course they don’t matter!
As if they would matter?
As if you give a flying fuck about them?
But you still pretend you do.
Because you want to seem like the most perfect angel, sent down from heaven, just to serve all these silly humans. But you see, you are actually so far above them, so much more superior than them, that you don’t really pay any attention because you know so much more than they do.
Fuck my arse they do.
What you don’t realise that you are actually the insuperior one to the rest of us. Its your insecurity that makes you look down your nose at the rest of us, when it actually should be the other way around. Do you have any idea, and idea at all?
Would it surprise you if I told you that everyone hates you?
Yes, probably.
Because you don’t pay attention to anyone except yourself, because as if anyone else is worth your precious time! That time is better spent thinking about yourself! Duh!
But yes, everyone does hate you.
You want to know why everyone hates you?
Because you’re so fucking fake.
Because you’re so fucking judgemental.
Because you act so fucking innocent when you fucking well are not.
Because you try so hard to be perfect, but you try too hard, and everyone can see that.
No one likes a tryhard.
I’ve seen what you do to other people.
For certain reasons, in the past I have watched you, observed you. I suppose you could say that I am like my topaz: I watch and observe and learn things I shouldn’t. So I knew the truth about you. I knew how much of a fucking bitch you are.
Other people, they are more easily deceived. That’s what you do to everyone, you deceive them, lie to them, mislead them into thinking you are someone who you fucking well are not. All they see is what you show them, the perfect, good at everything, little angel. Daddy’s little girl. The star of the show. Who everyone wants to be but can't. You deceive them because at least you are smart enough to realise that if everyone saw the fucking truth, well they wouldn’t like it. But you know what? Humans, even though they are hardly animals any more, they still have instincts about who to trust, who not to trust.
And not one of them trusts you.
Like I said, everyone hates you. Despises you, and even if they don’t realise it, they can see through your little facade. Which is why they all hate you. And I know this. You have no idea how many people have said to me “Yeah, I really don’t like her.”
But like you realise! Your way too self-absorbed to realise this. All you can think about is yourself; you, you, you, its all about you.
Wake up princess.
Its not all about fucking you.
Actually, come to think of it, hardly anything is really about you.
We just like to make you think its about you, just to keep you happy.
Yes, we can all play your little game. The game of hiding your true self. Only we have a much easier job. See, we only have to pretend to you that we like you. You have to pretend to all of us that you like as, that you care about each and every one of us. We all know you really don’t.
You know, I really do not like the word ‘bitch’.
It’s crude and vulgar and disgusting. It’s insulting.
Which is why I’m calling you one.
You fucking, arsewiping, snivelling, shitty, little bitch.
All you fucking do is bitch about people behind their backs. You then fucking turn around and pretend to be their best friend! Who the fuck does that?! I’ve watched you build up great friendships, where your best friend loves you beyond belief (of course you don’t know exactly how much because you don’t ever pay them that much attention because you are just so busy thinking about yourself) but the moment they get too close, the moment you think you are at risk of them finding out your secret and finding the real you, you push them away, break them, hurt them so badly.
You have such a wonderful best friend at the moment. She loves you beyond doubt.
If you fucking dare to fucking turn around and fucking break her, I fucking swear, you will have me to answer to. And like you, I have played the game of hiding myself to everyone. Because I am so much more stronger than I look, stronger than I think you realise.
You know, I used to think it was unfair.
It was unfair that God had made you were so perfect, so wonderful, you had such a perfect life and everyone wants to be friends with you.
But then I realised that no actually, God had made it quite equal, in the end. He has made you such a fucking bitch that no matter how good you may seem at something, you will never be good at the things that count, like being a good person. You can only pretend to be a good person, unlike the rest of us who are not top shit at everything we do, but at least we have good hearts.
You’re just so fucking fake it makes me sick.
I actually feel sorry for you because you have to try so hard to get people to like you. And even then they are only pretending.
Because no one likes a tryhard.
Especially one who tries as hard as you do.
I'm sick of listening to you bitch about other people, people who are so much more perfect than you, and all you can do is pick at their flaws. You don't see their beauty because you are so busy comparing yourself to them and then thinking up ways you can be better than them. And I'm sick of listening to you complain about your perfect fucking life. You get it so fucking easy you don't even realised. The rest of us have to stuggle along, find our own way their. You, it's just given to you on a silver fucking platter.
You’re so fucking hypocritical, so fucking bitchy, so fucking false, so fucking full of yourself, so fucking up yourself you don’t see they fucking sun shine. And everyone knows it. Everyone is sick of it. And another thing? I said this the other day. On a scale of one to ten for maturity level? Yeah, your in the fucking negatives, princess.
Grow up.
Get some maturity.
Stop bitching about other people.
The whole world isn’t about you.
And stop being so fucking fake.
I fucking hate you.
Do you have any idea what you do to people?
Do you have any idea what other people think of you?
Do you have any idea about anything other than yourself?
Of course not.
Your you remember?
Everything is about you.
Who cares about anyone else?
Of course they don’t matter!
As if they would matter?
As if you give a flying fuck about them?
But you still pretend you do.
Because you want to seem like the most perfect angel, sent down from heaven, just to serve all these silly humans. But you see, you are actually so far above them, so much more superior than them, that you don’t really pay any attention because you know so much more than they do.
Fuck my arse they do.
What you don’t realise that you are actually the insuperior one to the rest of us. Its your insecurity that makes you look down your nose at the rest of us, when it actually should be the other way around. Do you have any idea, and idea at all?
Would it surprise you if I told you that everyone hates you?
Yes, probably.
Because you don’t pay attention to anyone except yourself, because as if anyone else is worth your precious time! That time is better spent thinking about yourself! Duh!
But yes, everyone does hate you.
You want to know why everyone hates you?
Because you’re so fucking fake.
Because you’re so fucking judgemental.
Because you act so fucking innocent when you fucking well are not.
Because you try so hard to be perfect, but you try too hard, and everyone can see that.
No one likes a tryhard.
I’ve seen what you do to other people.
For certain reasons, in the past I have watched you, observed you. I suppose you could say that I am like my topaz: I watch and observe and learn things I shouldn’t. So I knew the truth about you. I knew how much of a fucking bitch you are.
Other people, they are more easily deceived. That’s what you do to everyone, you deceive them, lie to them, mislead them into thinking you are someone who you fucking well are not. All they see is what you show them, the perfect, good at everything, little angel. Daddy’s little girl. The star of the show. Who everyone wants to be but can't. You deceive them because at least you are smart enough to realise that if everyone saw the fucking truth, well they wouldn’t like it. But you know what? Humans, even though they are hardly animals any more, they still have instincts about who to trust, who not to trust.
And not one of them trusts you.
Like I said, everyone hates you. Despises you, and even if they don’t realise it, they can see through your little facade. Which is why they all hate you. And I know this. You have no idea how many people have said to me “Yeah, I really don’t like her.”
But like you realise! Your way too self-absorbed to realise this. All you can think about is yourself; you, you, you, its all about you.
Wake up princess.
Its not all about fucking you.
Actually, come to think of it, hardly anything is really about you.
We just like to make you think its about you, just to keep you happy.
Yes, we can all play your little game. The game of hiding your true self. Only we have a much easier job. See, we only have to pretend to you that we like you. You have to pretend to all of us that you like as, that you care about each and every one of us. We all know you really don’t.
You know, I really do not like the word ‘bitch’.
It’s crude and vulgar and disgusting. It’s insulting.
Which is why I’m calling you one.
You fucking, arsewiping, snivelling, shitty, little bitch.
All you fucking do is bitch about people behind their backs. You then fucking turn around and pretend to be their best friend! Who the fuck does that?! I’ve watched you build up great friendships, where your best friend loves you beyond belief (of course you don’t know exactly how much because you don’t ever pay them that much attention because you are just so busy thinking about yourself) but the moment they get too close, the moment you think you are at risk of them finding out your secret and finding the real you, you push them away, break them, hurt them so badly.
You have such a wonderful best friend at the moment. She loves you beyond doubt.
If you fucking dare to fucking turn around and fucking break her, I fucking swear, you will have me to answer to. And like you, I have played the game of hiding myself to everyone. Because I am so much more stronger than I look, stronger than I think you realise.
You know, I used to think it was unfair.
It was unfair that God had made you were so perfect, so wonderful, you had such a perfect life and everyone wants to be friends with you.
But then I realised that no actually, God had made it quite equal, in the end. He has made you such a fucking bitch that no matter how good you may seem at something, you will never be good at the things that count, like being a good person. You can only pretend to be a good person, unlike the rest of us who are not top shit at everything we do, but at least we have good hearts.
You’re just so fucking fake it makes me sick.
I actually feel sorry for you because you have to try so hard to get people to like you. And even then they are only pretending.
Because no one likes a tryhard.
Especially one who tries as hard as you do.
I'm sick of listening to you bitch about other people, people who are so much more perfect than you, and all you can do is pick at their flaws. You don't see their beauty because you are so busy comparing yourself to them and then thinking up ways you can be better than them. And I'm sick of listening to you complain about your perfect fucking life. You get it so fucking easy you don't even realised. The rest of us have to stuggle along, find our own way their. You, it's just given to you on a silver fucking platter.
You’re so fucking hypocritical, so fucking bitchy, so fucking false, so fucking full of yourself, so fucking up yourself you don’t see they fucking sun shine. And everyone knows it. Everyone is sick of it. And another thing? I said this the other day. On a scale of one to ten for maturity level? Yeah, your in the fucking negatives, princess.
Grow up.
Get some maturity.
Stop bitching about other people.
The whole world isn’t about you.
And stop being so fucking fake.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Obesity
OBESITY.
Its been on my mind for a while now.
Just everything about it, all the lies, all those stupid tall tales.
How everyone just tries to kid themselves about it, keeps telling themselves and everyone else lies, which only makes it worse.
I have to be quite cautious here.
Some people might get offended by what I have to say.
But see, the thing is, they really should know the truth.
After all, my blog is called “What Should be Yelled”, and this really needs to be yelled, screamed out for the whole world to hear.
You can’t deny that our nation and many others, are now so much more fat than what they used to be fifty, even twenty years ago. No one does any exercise anymore. Everyone eats so much junk. No one is every really hungry anymore. My dad tells me that twenty five years ago, three quarters of his class were like me: skinny but not anorexic, just fit and healthy. Now, three quarters of my class are not fat, but slighty podgy; I would be one of the skinniest. And thats just sad.
You know what Jaimee at work said to me today?
He told me that at any convenience store, almost anywhere in the world, the three biggest sellers are chips, soft drink and chocolate.
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
What it says about or world?
It sickens me that that is the case.
Whatever happened to everything in moderation?
Or “just as a treat”?
Nope, none of that anymore.
It’s all just eat, eat, eat, only think about food, food, food, stuff your face as often as possible with as much food as possible and that food being as unhealthy as possible, then “exercise, what’s exercise?”, and just sit in front of the tv doing nothing all day. It’s revolting to see that that’s what we have become.
Think about it.
When was the last time you were truly hungry?
Yeah, it takes a while to remember back that far doesn’t it.
Why can’t we eat when we’re hungry, when we have hunger pains?
Now, we eat when we think we need it, but because it’s been so long since you were hungry, you’ve forgotten that feeling of being hungry, and you just eat when you feel like it, which is so much more often than what you need to.
That’s fair enough. IF
a)The food is quite healthy; none of this chips and lollies and chocolate crap. and b) you do exercise to use up that energy you just put into your body by eating.
So many people don’t do any exercise at all.
YOU NEED TO DO EXERCISE.
And that’s proper, pushing yourself to the limits sort of exercise.
Where you feel the pain and you want to stop. But you don’t stop.
Don’t be a coward and stop. Push yourself so that you actually get a benefit out of doing this physical activity.
You know, I look around at what my friends are eating at lunchtime. And I am horrified. There is so much packaged food, and junk, and processed food, and actually just so much food in general. And I make a bet with you, about one out of twenty of them is actually hungry, they have hunger pains in their stomach, and they actually do enough exercise to deserve the amount of food and rubbish they are putting into their bodies.
It all comes down to two things.
Greed and laziness.
They are greedy and always want good, yummy, sweet things to eat, like chocolate cake or cookies or chips or pizza. Don’t you understand that these things taste SO much better when you only have them once or twice a fortnight? Not every fucking day like you all seem to have them.
YOU DON’T NEED THEM EVERY DAY.
AND NO, IT’S NOT COOL TO SAY THAT YOU DO.
As for exercise?
TOUGHEN UP PUSSYS, ITS NOT THAT HARD TO PUSH YOURSELF.
NO PAIN, NO FUCKING GAIN.
Your fat.
Do something about it.
I know that some people may think that its all very well for me to say all of this because I'm as skinny as a rake. Fast metabolism, plenty of time to do exercise, parents who support me, strong will, determination; whatever, they will say I’ve got it all.
But see the thing is I don’t.
But what I do have is the fear of being fat, unhealthy.
So I eat incredibly healthy. I have the minimal amount of food in my lunchbox. When I go to Chermside I try to avoid buying crap for lunch; I will go to Coles and buy healthy options. I hardly ever buy junk because I have a “craving” for it. Seriously, there is no such thing as cravings. Its all in you head, and you can ignore them. There are so many opportunities these days to buy crap. Everyone sells chocolates at school. The tuckshop is always open. There are fast food shops everywhere. But you know what I do? I ignore all of them. Because I know they’re bad for me. I have a strong enough will to ignore all of the signs telling me that I need to eat this and I need to try that. Because I know that I don’t need to have those things; a human can live perfectly well on fruit, vegetables and water for their whole life. And you know what? When I do, every once in a while, buy some chocolate or have tuckshop, it tastes so much better than what it would had if I had it every day. I appreciate it more because its special, not the norm. Seriously, you don’t need chocolate to survive.
And I exercise because I don’t want to be fat. I push myself because I don’t want to be a coward and I am determined to be strong and bear the “pain” that pushing yourself makes you feel.
Anyone can do that. Anyone can be healthy and do exercise. Don’t you dare tell me that its too hard, because it isn’t. What about all of those peasants who lived 200 years ago who hardly had enough food for their family and had to do everything themselves; none of these cars or electrical appliances to do everything for them like me have. We have made life too easy, and now we’re getting fat and unhealthy.
So what I’m saying, meanly I know but still more truthfully than anyone else has said,
YOUR FAT, AND YOUR FAT, AND YOUR FAT.
Stop being so weak and cowardly and loose some weight.
Because it isn’t that hard.
Being fat is bad because you don’t look perfect. It doesn’t matter what you look like.
Being fat is bad because its showing the world that you’re a weak person, that you can’t push yourself exercising or that you’re not strong enough to ignore “cravings”.
Personally, that’s what I don’t like.
You may as well have a neon sign on your forehead saying “I’m a coward”
And I don’t like looking like a coward.
Do you?
Its been on my mind for a while now.
Just everything about it, all the lies, all those stupid tall tales.
How everyone just tries to kid themselves about it, keeps telling themselves and everyone else lies, which only makes it worse.
I have to be quite cautious here.
Some people might get offended by what I have to say.
But see, the thing is, they really should know the truth.
After all, my blog is called “What Should be Yelled”, and this really needs to be yelled, screamed out for the whole world to hear.
You can’t deny that our nation and many others, are now so much more fat than what they used to be fifty, even twenty years ago. No one does any exercise anymore. Everyone eats so much junk. No one is every really hungry anymore. My dad tells me that twenty five years ago, three quarters of his class were like me: skinny but not anorexic, just fit and healthy. Now, three quarters of my class are not fat, but slighty podgy; I would be one of the skinniest. And thats just sad.
You know what Jaimee at work said to me today?
He told me that at any convenience store, almost anywhere in the world, the three biggest sellers are chips, soft drink and chocolate.
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
What it says about or world?
It sickens me that that is the case.
Whatever happened to everything in moderation?
Or “just as a treat”?
Nope, none of that anymore.
It’s all just eat, eat, eat, only think about food, food, food, stuff your face as often as possible with as much food as possible and that food being as unhealthy as possible, then “exercise, what’s exercise?”, and just sit in front of the tv doing nothing all day. It’s revolting to see that that’s what we have become.
Think about it.
When was the last time you were truly hungry?
Yeah, it takes a while to remember back that far doesn’t it.
Why can’t we eat when we’re hungry, when we have hunger pains?
Now, we eat when we think we need it, but because it’s been so long since you were hungry, you’ve forgotten that feeling of being hungry, and you just eat when you feel like it, which is so much more often than what you need to.
That’s fair enough. IF
a)The food is quite healthy; none of this chips and lollies and chocolate crap. and b) you do exercise to use up that energy you just put into your body by eating.
So many people don’t do any exercise at all.
YOU NEED TO DO EXERCISE.
And that’s proper, pushing yourself to the limits sort of exercise.
Where you feel the pain and you want to stop. But you don’t stop.
Don’t be a coward and stop. Push yourself so that you actually get a benefit out of doing this physical activity.
You know, I look around at what my friends are eating at lunchtime. And I am horrified. There is so much packaged food, and junk, and processed food, and actually just so much food in general. And I make a bet with you, about one out of twenty of them is actually hungry, they have hunger pains in their stomach, and they actually do enough exercise to deserve the amount of food and rubbish they are putting into their bodies.
It all comes down to two things.
Greed and laziness.
They are greedy and always want good, yummy, sweet things to eat, like chocolate cake or cookies or chips or pizza. Don’t you understand that these things taste SO much better when you only have them once or twice a fortnight? Not every fucking day like you all seem to have them.
YOU DON’T NEED THEM EVERY DAY.
AND NO, IT’S NOT COOL TO SAY THAT YOU DO.
As for exercise?
TOUGHEN UP PUSSYS, ITS NOT THAT HARD TO PUSH YOURSELF.
NO PAIN, NO FUCKING GAIN.
Your fat.
Do something about it.
I know that some people may think that its all very well for me to say all of this because I'm as skinny as a rake. Fast metabolism, plenty of time to do exercise, parents who support me, strong will, determination; whatever, they will say I’ve got it all.
But see the thing is I don’t.
But what I do have is the fear of being fat, unhealthy.
So I eat incredibly healthy. I have the minimal amount of food in my lunchbox. When I go to Chermside I try to avoid buying crap for lunch; I will go to Coles and buy healthy options. I hardly ever buy junk because I have a “craving” for it. Seriously, there is no such thing as cravings. Its all in you head, and you can ignore them. There are so many opportunities these days to buy crap. Everyone sells chocolates at school. The tuckshop is always open. There are fast food shops everywhere. But you know what I do? I ignore all of them. Because I know they’re bad for me. I have a strong enough will to ignore all of the signs telling me that I need to eat this and I need to try that. Because I know that I don’t need to have those things; a human can live perfectly well on fruit, vegetables and water for their whole life. And you know what? When I do, every once in a while, buy some chocolate or have tuckshop, it tastes so much better than what it would had if I had it every day. I appreciate it more because its special, not the norm. Seriously, you don’t need chocolate to survive.
And I exercise because I don’t want to be fat. I push myself because I don’t want to be a coward and I am determined to be strong and bear the “pain” that pushing yourself makes you feel.
Anyone can do that. Anyone can be healthy and do exercise. Don’t you dare tell me that its too hard, because it isn’t. What about all of those peasants who lived 200 years ago who hardly had enough food for their family and had to do everything themselves; none of these cars or electrical appliances to do everything for them like me have. We have made life too easy, and now we’re getting fat and unhealthy.
So what I’m saying, meanly I know but still more truthfully than anyone else has said,
YOUR FAT, AND YOUR FAT, AND YOUR FAT.
Stop being so weak and cowardly and loose some weight.
Because it isn’t that hard.
Being fat is bad because you don’t look perfect. It doesn’t matter what you look like.
Being fat is bad because its showing the world that you’re a weak person, that you can’t push yourself exercising or that you’re not strong enough to ignore “cravings”.
Personally, that’s what I don’t like.
You may as well have a neon sign on your forehead saying “I’m a coward”
And I don’t like looking like a coward.
Do you?
Last two things.
Firstly,
I'm glad its ok with my baby.
I'm glad its ok with me.
I'm glad its ok with most others.
I'm glad everything is ok.
Everything is finally working out, for the people who need it to.
And second,
YOU are the one who painted my canvas again.
YOU are the one who adds the final touches.
YOU are the one who filled me, and who continues to fill me, until i am overflowing.
YOU are the one who keeps me sane.
How can i ever repay you?
iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.
p.s. to my two lovers,
i have never told you this
but every time i see you together,
i smile.
you really were made for each other.
so happy anniversary.
and thank-you for being the cherries on the top of my day.
I'm glad its ok with my baby.
I'm glad its ok with me.
I'm glad its ok with most others.
I'm glad everything is ok.
Everything is finally working out, for the people who need it to.
And second,
YOU are the one who painted my canvas again.
YOU are the one who adds the final touches.
YOU are the one who filled me, and who continues to fill me, until i am overflowing.
YOU are the one who keeps me sane.
How can i ever repay you?
iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou.
p.s. to my two lovers,
i have never told you this
but every time i see you together,
i smile.
you really were made for each other.
so happy anniversary.
and thank-you for being the cherries on the top of my day.
Calm, peaceful, relaxed
It’s all ok.
It’s all ok now.
I can see he’s not the one for me.
Going through this has made me strong enough to see that.
It’s not that he’s not good enough for me.
Rather the opposite.
I think he’s too good for me, too perfect, too easy.
I don’t deserve that.
So he belongs now to someone else.
Or he will soon.
And if he doesn’t,
Well then maybe by then, hopefully, I will have changed and I will deserve him.
Hopefully.
It doesn’t hurt me to let go.
Because I’m not letting go, not completely.
He will always be special.
I’m not moving on.
Rather, I’m moving forward, instead of looking back.
I’ll focus on other things now as well.
It’s like I’m taking my blinkers off.
I can still see what’s in front of me.
It’s just that I can now see what’s left and right as well.
I’ll realise my grip, because I think I was beginning to strangle him.
Not, totally.
But enough so all I’m now doing is touching him, rather than smothering him.
I will still try to win him,
Try to make him mine,
But if it doesn’t work,
if I fail,
I will see past it, I wont let it get to me.
I will get back up again, I wont let myself feel miserable about it, like I have done.
There will be others.
Always, there will be others.
There may even be others out there right now, just waiting, like I have been for him.
It’s finding them that is the hard part.
Thank-you, though, to him, for this.
It’s made me stronger, once again.
I’m beginning to think that soon I’ll be unbreakable.
I will always be here for you.
If you ever need anything.
My friend.
It’s all ok now.
I can see he’s not the one for me.
Going through this has made me strong enough to see that.
It’s not that he’s not good enough for me.
Rather the opposite.
I think he’s too good for me, too perfect, too easy.
I don’t deserve that.
So he belongs now to someone else.
Or he will soon.
And if he doesn’t,
Well then maybe by then, hopefully, I will have changed and I will deserve him.
Hopefully.
It doesn’t hurt me to let go.
Because I’m not letting go, not completely.
He will always be special.
I’m not moving on.
Rather, I’m moving forward, instead of looking back.
I’ll focus on other things now as well.
It’s like I’m taking my blinkers off.
I can still see what’s in front of me.
It’s just that I can now see what’s left and right as well.
I’ll realise my grip, because I think I was beginning to strangle him.
Not, totally.
But enough so all I’m now doing is touching him, rather than smothering him.
I will still try to win him,
Try to make him mine,
But if it doesn’t work,
if I fail,
I will see past it, I wont let it get to me.
I will get back up again, I wont let myself feel miserable about it, like I have done.
There will be others.
Always, there will be others.
There may even be others out there right now, just waiting, like I have been for him.
It’s finding them that is the hard part.
Thank-you, though, to him, for this.
It’s made me stronger, once again.
I’m beginning to think that soon I’ll be unbreakable.
I will always be here for you.
If you ever need anything.
My friend.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The Road is Lost: The Whitlams
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
Each day we hear the score, before not after shots of war
And the road to him is love, but the love is never more
Wishing it all to end
enraged by the slaughtering
thoughts explode like my heads a grenade and I drawed the pin
talking to men with one choice to run off or defend
must punish the win, gotta let that gun off for ya kin
the only laws is ‘no laws at all’ once it begins
from the smell of blood violence is absorbed into their skin
and the thoughts of kids caught up should torture people to death
now freedoms with them see if them orphans see any sense
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
Each day we hear the score, before not after shots of war
And the road to him is love, but the love is never more
Not all true pictures of war are drawn in the news
so we painted a little more like George Gittoes do
jaded because we didn't hear them calls coming through
how we'd savor our days if we had to walk in them shoes
countries can't build without support for the youth
they lost when their most important resources abused
forming our views, and not picking up on the clues
inner-city blues stop many from listening to the clues
voices on mute, so we whisper this to you
no time for school, many children be enlisted to be troops
and we walk, thinking that the system got us screwed
like we taught, just to keep a short distance from the truth
when scores…are born only to be drifting to a noose
where they gone well say, lord forgive we never knew
gotta question why many, got there scriptures misconstrued
and why spending on weapons and not assistance is the rule,
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
Each day we hear the score, before not after shots of war
And the road to him is love, but the love is never more
We're caught up in the pictures that they have shown us
and not the millions of innocents that been blown up
cold hearts disconnecting us from our own blood
for their objectives its best that they blindfold us
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
We're caught up in the pictures that they have shown us
and not the millions of innocents that been blown up
cold hearts disconnecting us from our own bloodfor their objectives its best that they blindfold us.
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
Each day we hear the score, before not after shots of war
And the road to him is love, but the love is never more
Wishing it all to end
enraged by the slaughtering
thoughts explode like my heads a grenade and I drawed the pin
talking to men with one choice to run off or defend
must punish the win, gotta let that gun off for ya kin
the only laws is ‘no laws at all’ once it begins
from the smell of blood violence is absorbed into their skin
and the thoughts of kids caught up should torture people to death
now freedoms with them see if them orphans see any sense
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
Each day we hear the score, before not after shots of war
And the road to him is love, but the love is never more
Not all true pictures of war are drawn in the news
so we painted a little more like George Gittoes do
jaded because we didn't hear them calls coming through
how we'd savor our days if we had to walk in them shoes
countries can't build without support for the youth
they lost when their most important resources abused
forming our views, and not picking up on the clues
inner-city blues stop many from listening to the clues
voices on mute, so we whisper this to you
no time for school, many children be enlisted to be troops
and we walk, thinking that the system got us screwed
like we taught, just to keep a short distance from the truth
when scores…are born only to be drifting to a noose
where they gone well say, lord forgive we never knew
gotta question why many, got there scriptures misconstrued
and why spending on weapons and not assistance is the rule,
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
Each day we hear the score, before not after shots of war
And the road to him is love, but the love is never more
We're caught up in the pictures that they have shown us
and not the millions of innocents that been blown up
cold hearts disconnecting us from our own blood
for their objectives its best that they blindfold us
Can you picture a little boy, dragging wood down the lane?
Grandma waiting for him brother, playing outside in the rain
We're caught up in the pictures that they have shown us
and not the millions of innocents that been blown up
cold hearts disconnecting us from our own bloodfor their objectives its best that they blindfold us.
The Whitlams
The Road is Lost
My favourite song of all time.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A Canvas
It was during admin that I read that.
Can you believe it made me cry?
Yes, I suppose you can believe that.
I sat there in admin, crying. Tears just running down my cheeks.
I tell you that I love you.
And I mean it.
Always.
Every second.
Of every hour.
Of every day.
I love you.
Can you believe it made me cry?
Yes, I suppose you can believe that.
I sat there in admin, crying. Tears just running down my cheeks.
I tell you that I love you.
And I mean it.
Always.
Every second.
Of every hour.
Of every day.
I love you.
I thank God everyday,
Thank-you God for giving me her.
For giving me my husband.
Because without her I would be lost.
Lost to the world.
Thank-you, thank-you God.
I’m glad that no one asked me what was wrong.
I have too much bad luck to believe that no one noticed.
I’m sick of telling everyone what’s wrong.
I’m sick of telling everyone everything.
It feels like I have nothing left for myself.
It felt good to cry. Even though I had to do it secretly, it was still good.
These past few days.. I’ve felt like I needed to cry.
But I can’t.
It feels like I have all this emotion bottled up inside of me.
But it actually isn’t any emotion at all.
Its actually more the opposite.
It feels like I have no emotion.
Yesterday.
I would laugh but I wasn’t laughing.
I would try and cry but I couldn’t.
I tried to be angry but it didn’t work.
I was just like a blank canvas, with nothing on it, not one little mark.
I was nothing.
I wanted to get this nothing out of me.
But how do you get nothing out of yourself?
You can’t.
You actually need to fill the empty space with something else.
But what if the space where everything had once been was just gone?
What if you were nothing anymore?
I wore make-up for the first time to school today.
I did it for a reason.
Not the reason I told everyone.
I did it because I wanted to put something on that blank canvas, to have something to present to everyone, for their sakes.
I don’t want them to be worried.
I wanted to change.
I didn’t want to be Stephanie.
Because she was too insecure, to strange and unpredictable.
So I was someone else, when I put that make-up on, and Stephanie, that insecure, strange, unpredictable girl, that blank canvas, was hidden underneath that layer of paint.
And everyone thought I was ok, and for that I'm glad.
I made a mistake yesterday of telling them how I really felt.
I think I scared them.
I don’t blame them though. That feeling scared me too.
It still does. Because it’s still there.
You know what I find strange?
In books,
They call it pain.
But it isn’t pain. Not for me.
It’s just a feeling, that takes up everything, every fibre of my being.
And I want it out.
I need it to be out of my body, I want to be rid of it, because its too foreign, it controls me too much, and I’m scared of it. But I don’t know how to get it out.
I tried yesterday with laughing.
But it just laughed back at me.
I tried it yesterday by being angry.
But it just put water on my fire.
I tried it yesterday by crying.
But it just rattled inside of me, made me shake, but it didn’t let me go.
It has a name, this feeling.
I like to call it fuck.
Because that’s what I feel like screaming out to the world.
That’s what I am.
I’m fucked.
I’m fucking stupid.
I’m a fucking arse hole.
I’m fucked.
I used to hate that word.
Now I love it.
It’s the only word that completely expresses me, everything that I’m feeling.
Fuck.
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