I love you.
And that's all you need to know.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dear, Friend
You know you’re a silly girl. Of course you’re not doing badly. Far from it. I think you’re problem is that you compare yourself to everyone else. Whether you believe you have done well or not is based upon how you have done compared to everyone else. But you really shouldn’t do that. Why do you compare yourself to everyone else? You are you, you can’t be anyone else. So what you get is your result, not anyone else’s. I know that you only see those people above you. The ones who are better than you. Why do you do that? Yes, it does get you to try and work harder. But I also know that sometimes it gets you down, disheartens you. You tell me it’s because you can’t be as good as them. That you try so hard to be as good as them. And I know you do. I can see that. But sometimes you just don’t get as good as them. To be honest, even if you can’t see it yourself, I can see that you hate people being better than you. Which is good in a way, it gets you to try your hardest. But sometimes you need to see that it is ok if people are better than you. You needn’t waste tears and happiness over it. Because you can’t be them. And they can’t be you. You are better than them at other things.
Think of me when you’re out,
When you’re out there.
Who do you try for? Yourself, you answer. Well I know that not to be true. When it comes down to it, you aren’t really trying for yourself. You are trying for your parents. You are trying for your friends. You are trying for your teachers. You are trying for your family. But what about trying for yourself? You try for these people because you believe that they expect you to do well. But I know that they don’t expect anything of the sort from you. All they want is for you to be happy. Are you happy? No. Because you are constantly trying to please them, and when you fail you feel like you have let them down. You feel like you haven’t lived up to what they want you to be. And you feel guilty, you feel like you haven’t tried hard enough. You lose your confidence, you feel like giving up. But what you don’t realise is that nobody expects anything from you. You must remember that. That doesn’t mean that you can stop putting in effort. It just means that you should be proud of yourself, whatever you get, because it was your best. Not anyone else’s.
I’m begging nice from my knees.
You say to me But what if my best isn’t good enough? Good enough for who? Or what? I know what you want to do, and I also happen to know that you are good enough for that. You don’t necessarily need to be good at anything in particular for that. You just need to have determination. You need to be able to follow things through and stick with anything that you start. And you do do that. I can see that. So stop worrying. Of course you will be what you want to.
And when the world
treats you way too fairly.
I’ve noticed that you don’t see the people who you are better than. And there are so many of them. But you are too busy focussing on the ones who you aren’t better than. Slow down, just stop and see those who you are better than. You really are focussing on the minority when you only see those who are better than you. Seriously, if you could see what I saw, those who you beat by a million miles, then perhaps you wouldn’t get so down sometimes.
Well it’s a shame I’m a dream.
I’ve seen you deny compliments. Compliments which I believe are true, and which clearly the giver believes is true too. Why is that? You don’t want people to make false impressions of you. You don’t want them to have expectations of you which you believe you cannot fulfil all the time. You don’t want to let them down when you are not what they are saying you are. Don’t worry about that. Let yourself believe that you are actually good at something, instead of not believe someone when they tell you that you are. You really are good at so many things. Remember those things.
All I wanted
Please, please don’t get down. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter. Your focus is narrow, you can’t see what else is out there. You don’t need anyone else; you have proved that time and time again. Perhaps you even don’t want anyone else. Be confident. Of course you will do well. Perhaps not amazing because not everyone can be amazing. But you will do well. And that’s all anyone can ask for. That’s all you can ask of yourself. Too much pressure on yourself doesn’t do well with you. Haven’t you noticed? Perhaps lots of pressure makes some people perform harder, be better. But not you. You need pressure, certainly, but not the amount you are placing on yourself. Because it’s breaking you. And I can’t, can’t let you break because if you break then so do I. Nobody expects anything of you. Your best is all you can give.
Was You.
Oh sweet painted lady,
Seems it’s always been the same.
Getting paid, for being laid,
Well I guess that’s the name of the game,
oooh
Think of me when you’re out,
When you’re out there.
Who do you try for? Yourself, you answer. Well I know that not to be true. When it comes down to it, you aren’t really trying for yourself. You are trying for your parents. You are trying for your friends. You are trying for your teachers. You are trying for your family. But what about trying for yourself? You try for these people because you believe that they expect you to do well. But I know that they don’t expect anything of the sort from you. All they want is for you to be happy. Are you happy? No. Because you are constantly trying to please them, and when you fail you feel like you have let them down. You feel like you haven’t lived up to what they want you to be. And you feel guilty, you feel like you haven’t tried hard enough. You lose your confidence, you feel like giving up. But what you don’t realise is that nobody expects anything from you. You must remember that. That doesn’t mean that you can stop putting in effort. It just means that you should be proud of yourself, whatever you get, because it was your best. Not anyone else’s.
I’m begging nice from my knees.
You say to me But what if my best isn’t good enough? Good enough for who? Or what? I know what you want to do, and I also happen to know that you are good enough for that. You don’t necessarily need to be good at anything in particular for that. You just need to have determination. You need to be able to follow things through and stick with anything that you start. And you do do that. I can see that. So stop worrying. Of course you will be what you want to.
And when the world
treats you way too fairly.
I’ve noticed that you don’t see the people who you are better than. And there are so many of them. But you are too busy focussing on the ones who you aren’t better than. Slow down, just stop and see those who you are better than. You really are focussing on the minority when you only see those who are better than you. Seriously, if you could see what I saw, those who you beat by a million miles, then perhaps you wouldn’t get so down sometimes.
Well it’s a shame I’m a dream.
I’ve seen you deny compliments. Compliments which I believe are true, and which clearly the giver believes is true too. Why is that? You don’t want people to make false impressions of you. You don’t want them to have expectations of you which you believe you cannot fulfil all the time. You don’t want to let them down when you are not what they are saying you are. Don’t worry about that. Let yourself believe that you are actually good at something, instead of not believe someone when they tell you that you are. You really are good at so many things. Remember those things.
All I wanted
Please, please don’t get down. In all honesty, it doesn’t matter. Your focus is narrow, you can’t see what else is out there. You don’t need anyone else; you have proved that time and time again. Perhaps you even don’t want anyone else. Be confident. Of course you will do well. Perhaps not amazing because not everyone can be amazing. But you will do well. And that’s all anyone can ask for. That’s all you can ask of yourself. Too much pressure on yourself doesn’t do well with you. Haven’t you noticed? Perhaps lots of pressure makes some people perform harder, be better. But not you. You need pressure, certainly, but not the amount you are placing on yourself. Because it’s breaking you. And I can’t, can’t let you break because if you break then so do I. Nobody expects anything of you. Your best is all you can give.
Was You.
Oh sweet painted lady,
Seems it’s always been the same.
Getting paid, for being laid,
Well I guess that’s the name of the game,
oooh
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Back Pain
Success requires your backbone, not your wishbone.
That is true you know.
Sometimes you see in the world those people who want everything. They are going to do everything, they’re gonna have everything.
Those people are called ‘gunners’.
They’re gunner do this and they’re gunner have that.
But I guess that’s just who they are.
They say that they will do everything, and yet when it comes to the crunch time, they can’t be bothered, or they are too lazy, or they chicken out.
I think that perhaps there is a little of that type of person in all of us. The person who says they’re ‘gunner’ do something and never end up doing it. Some people have more of that person than others and it comes through more often.
I suppose those people who want to succeed don’t let that gunner person come through. They say they’re gunner do something and they do it. Or maybe they don’t even tell anyone and just do it anyway. See those gunners are the wishers. They wish and wish and yet never act. Perhaps they get somewhere. They get somewhere the same was sometimes someone who never tried at school or tried at anything, ends up being a millionaire – through chance. Through unknowingly saying the right thing at the right time. Through a fluke. Through pure luck. But not through skill or hard work or determination. There are those people out there who get everything for nothing
But how many of those people are out there?
And how many more people are out there who get everything because they worked hard, and put in a huge amount of effort, and didn’t give up?
Some people, those wishers, those gunners, some of them want to be like that. They say “I’m going to be one of those people who end up being a millionaire and surprise everyone.” They plan on being one of those people and so don’t put in any effort to do anything else. They wait for that chance that never comes. And at the end of their life, they look back and think I wish I could have tried once. Then I may have gotten somewhere in the end. And, don’t get me wrong, some of them certainly do got there. But not many.
I can’t, can’t, leave my life up to chance.
Where is your backbone?
‘Cause you’re looking very flimsy
I’m breaking down your paper wall
You looked so sound asleep
I can’t believe
That your backbone’s missing and you
Never had a clue at all
You could’ve been something
You could’ve been something memorable
I should’ve said something, I should’ve said
That is true you know.
Sometimes you see in the world those people who want everything. They are going to do everything, they’re gonna have everything.
Those people are called ‘gunners’.
They’re gunner do this and they’re gunner have that.
But I guess that’s just who they are.
They say that they will do everything, and yet when it comes to the crunch time, they can’t be bothered, or they are too lazy, or they chicken out.
I think that perhaps there is a little of that type of person in all of us. The person who says they’re ‘gunner’ do something and never end up doing it. Some people have more of that person than others and it comes through more often.
I suppose those people who want to succeed don’t let that gunner person come through. They say they’re gunner do something and they do it. Or maybe they don’t even tell anyone and just do it anyway. See those gunners are the wishers. They wish and wish and yet never act. Perhaps they get somewhere. They get somewhere the same was sometimes someone who never tried at school or tried at anything, ends up being a millionaire – through chance. Through unknowingly saying the right thing at the right time. Through a fluke. Through pure luck. But not through skill or hard work or determination. There are those people out there who get everything for nothing
But how many of those people are out there?
And how many more people are out there who get everything because they worked hard, and put in a huge amount of effort, and didn’t give up?
Some people, those wishers, those gunners, some of them want to be like that. They say “I’m going to be one of those people who end up being a millionaire and surprise everyone.” They plan on being one of those people and so don’t put in any effort to do anything else. They wait for that chance that never comes. And at the end of their life, they look back and think I wish I could have tried once. Then I may have gotten somewhere in the end. And, don’t get me wrong, some of them certainly do got there. But not many.
I can’t, can’t, leave my life up to chance.
Where is your backbone?
‘Cause you’re looking very flimsy
I’m breaking down your paper wall
You looked so sound asleep
I can’t believe
That your backbone’s missing and you
Never had a clue at all
You could’ve been something
You could’ve been something memorable
I should’ve said something, I should’ve said
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Something for Some to Remember
And by and by, he gradually discovered that perhaps in time it would be possible to love that one again. Perhaps he was mistaken to make misjudged opinions of her as he did once. Perhaps time can heal that which was inflicted upon him. He found more and more that this consideration was accurate and he came to love that one to a great extent, greater than what he thought could be possible, particularly considering all the previous circumstances. And it surprised him. Pleasantly surprised him, in fact, that he would take back everything that which he had once so vehemently said. But he did: he took it all back and forgave; and in turn he was forgiven. This man that I once knew, he ended up marrying that woman, so great was his love for her. And it made me marvel that perhaps it is the shadowy, darker parts of our hearts that make known who we really are.
I was asked once whether it was better to forgive or to forget.
My answer was to forgive.
If you forgive then it is also forgotten.
But if it is forgotten, it is only that: forgotton.
Ready to emerge at any given moment, with the hard feelings still attached.
No, it is far, far better to forgive.
Forgive always, no matter what the crime.
I was asked once whether it was better to forgive or to forget.
My answer was to forgive.
If you forgive then it is also forgotten.
But if it is forgotten, it is only that: forgotton.
Ready to emerge at any given moment, with the hard feelings still attached.
No, it is far, far better to forgive.
Forgive always, no matter what the crime.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Stephanie and the Gecko - a Fable
I remember one time when I was about ten years old. Around that time every summer our house would become a breeding ground for geckos. There was always a family of geckos clustered around the light as we ate dinner, fighting over the best bugs that were stupid enough to fly towards the bulb.
It was one night that I went into the bathroom to have a shower as usual. I shut the door and locked it, as one does when they have a shower. I then proceeded to have a lovely long shower, daydreaming under the hot steam just like any ten year old girl. I took my time, off on some other planet as usual.
When I was done I opened the door to the bathroom. When I did something caught the corner of my eye, a small movement. So I stopped and examined the place where I thought I had seen something move. It didn’t take me long to find what it had been.
Mum came running the moment she heard me screaming. She came upon me collapsed in the bathroom doorway with tears streaming down my face. “Stephanie, what’s wrong?” she asked me frantically.
It took her a while but eventually she understood, between my sobs, that when I had shut the door when I had first gone into the bathroom, I had caught a gecko in between the doorway and the door.
It was clear that a least one, if not both of its back legs were broken. Half of its intestines had been squished out the side of its body. Blood marked both the edge of the door and the doorframe.
Mum finally managed to calm me down, telling me that geckos heal quickly and it would probably get better soon and that it was just a gecko anyway. She cleaned up the small and rather insignificant mess that it had made because I insisted that I could not walk past those small bloodstains unless they were gone.
I don’t know why that incident made me so upset. But I know that the moment I found the gecko, badly hurt and probably in a lot of pain, I felt horrible. The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that that gecko had been caught right from the beginning of my shower. I had taken my time and enjoyed myself, off in some dream world, all the while this gecko had been caught, unable to escape, unable to stop the pain. And it had not said a word. It didn’t have the ability to make any word that I could hear to let me know that I had hurt it. It couldn’t let me know that it was in pain; no scream or yelp or even a whimper. The fact that it couldn’t let me know made me most upset; I had unknowingly caused it pain and while I was having a great fat time, it was in pain because of something I had done. I was so close to it, and yet oblivious to its suffering. That was what me most upset.
Perhaps that is why I want to be a doctor. So that I can stop people hurting, especially those ones who can’t say when they’re in pain. Those people to whom pain has become a daily thing, a part of life, they are the ones who I want to help most of all.
Because why should I be happily enjoying life, while they are not?
I did not forget that gecko for months afterwards. And even now, sometimes when I walk into the bathroom, I remember that poor gecko, who I hurt, and who could not cry out.
It was one night that I went into the bathroom to have a shower as usual. I shut the door and locked it, as one does when they have a shower. I then proceeded to have a lovely long shower, daydreaming under the hot steam just like any ten year old girl. I took my time, off on some other planet as usual.
When I was done I opened the door to the bathroom. When I did something caught the corner of my eye, a small movement. So I stopped and examined the place where I thought I had seen something move. It didn’t take me long to find what it had been.
Mum came running the moment she heard me screaming. She came upon me collapsed in the bathroom doorway with tears streaming down my face. “Stephanie, what’s wrong?” she asked me frantically.
It took her a while but eventually she understood, between my sobs, that when I had shut the door when I had first gone into the bathroom, I had caught a gecko in between the doorway and the door.
It was clear that a least one, if not both of its back legs were broken. Half of its intestines had been squished out the side of its body. Blood marked both the edge of the door and the doorframe.
Mum finally managed to calm me down, telling me that geckos heal quickly and it would probably get better soon and that it was just a gecko anyway. She cleaned up the small and rather insignificant mess that it had made because I insisted that I could not walk past those small bloodstains unless they were gone.
I don’t know why that incident made me so upset. But I know that the moment I found the gecko, badly hurt and probably in a lot of pain, I felt horrible. The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that that gecko had been caught right from the beginning of my shower. I had taken my time and enjoyed myself, off in some dream world, all the while this gecko had been caught, unable to escape, unable to stop the pain. And it had not said a word. It didn’t have the ability to make any word that I could hear to let me know that I had hurt it. It couldn’t let me know that it was in pain; no scream or yelp or even a whimper. The fact that it couldn’t let me know made me most upset; I had unknowingly caused it pain and while I was having a great fat time, it was in pain because of something I had done. I was so close to it, and yet oblivious to its suffering. That was what me most upset.
Perhaps that is why I want to be a doctor. So that I can stop people hurting, especially those ones who can’t say when they’re in pain. Those people to whom pain has become a daily thing, a part of life, they are the ones who I want to help most of all.
Because why should I be happily enjoying life, while they are not?
I did not forget that gecko for months afterwards. And even now, sometimes when I walk into the bathroom, I remember that poor gecko, who I hurt, and who could not cry out.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Seamstress of the Night
I looked out of my window when it was close to dark. And the thing that struck me was the colour of the sky. It was strewn with clouds that were a deep, dark blue colour just like the depths of the ocean. Underneath the clouds, the sky was a lighter blue that blended in with the darker blue. The sky looked perfectly smooth like a silky tablecloth spread out with no creases. I imagined myself pulling that tablecloth from the sky; I could see it shimmering and floating like silk. I imagined wrapping it around my body and seeing it transform into a dress that was perfect. It would be a loose dress, and when a breeze blew, the light fabric would ripple, shimmering and changing colour. It was not the dress design that would make the dress lovely, it was the fabric.
It was beautiful.
It was beautiful.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
It's Not Words
I don’t think that it is necessary to say it but,
I love you.
You already know that I would stop surviving if you weren’t there to help me.
You do more than enough.
Perhaps I should apologize first though.
I cannot ever bring myself to tell you face to face what you mean to me.
Remember back when I blogged about compliments?
About how I find it hard to compliment someone when it is truly what I’m thinking?
Talking about my feelings is the same.
I find it hard to tell you how much I love you because I love you that much.
So even though I don’t say it,
Please know that I love you more than anything,
And that’s the reason why I can’t tell you.
I love you.
You already know that I would stop surviving if you weren’t there to help me.
You do more than enough.
Perhaps I should apologize first though.
I cannot ever bring myself to tell you face to face what you mean to me.
Remember back when I blogged about compliments?
About how I find it hard to compliment someone when it is truly what I’m thinking?
Talking about my feelings is the same.
I find it hard to tell you how much I love you because I love you that much.
So even though I don’t say it,
Please know that I love you more than anything,
And that’s the reason why I can’t tell you.
8. Feeling Sorry
I guess you lost my respect a while back. I didn’t want to lose it, but after what you have done, how could I not? I tried. Really. But I can only give half, because the other half is your job. And I can’t do your job for you.
Believe in the best of people.
I do.
Always.
And it always ends up getting me hurt.
So now I’m giving up.
Giving up caring what you think.
Giving up caring whether I hurt you or not.
Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Giving up trying to get you to understand.
Giving up trying to get you to care.
Giving up trying to get you to realise that I’m not made of concrete.
A twisted up frown disguised as a smile
Well you would have never known
Giving up trying to blame everyone else for what you are doing.
Giving up trying to make excuses for you.
You don’t deserve it.
I think I shall just give up on you altogether.
You aren’t worth my time.
And if you ask me for another chance?
My answer will be
“I’m sorry, I have none left to give you.”
I’ve already wasted them all on you.
So just fuck off and leave me alone.
And I’m getting bored waiting around for you
We’re not getting any younger and I won’t look back
Cause there’s no use, it’s time to move forward
Believe in the best of people.
I do.
Always.
And it always ends up getting me hurt.
So now I’m giving up.
Giving up caring what you think.
Giving up caring whether I hurt you or not.
Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Giving up trying to get you to understand.
Giving up trying to get you to care.
Giving up trying to get you to realise that I’m not made of concrete.
A twisted up frown disguised as a smile
Well you would have never known
Giving up trying to blame everyone else for what you are doing.
Giving up trying to make excuses for you.
You don’t deserve it.
I think I shall just give up on you altogether.
You aren’t worth my time.
And if you ask me for another chance?
My answer will be
“I’m sorry, I have none left to give you.”
I’ve already wasted them all on you.
So just fuck off and leave me alone.
And I’m getting bored waiting around for you
We’re not getting any younger and I won’t look back
Cause there’s no use, it’s time to move forward
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