“But see the thing is, I just don’t know anymore.”
And it has all managed to be timed perfectly, so that everything happens all at once. At a time where she can really only deal with one thing at a time.
And what if?
Welcome back to reality. Well thanks a lot.
Too late now.
STOP
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
You just know when you don't belong
I don’t like it here. It’s too confined; there’s nothing to do; I’m just stuck in one place.
It’s funny that when I leave Mount Beauty, a town with a population of 2,300, and come home to Brisbane, a city with a population of about 2 million, I feel far less at home. I feel confined; I feel like I can’t breathe properly. How is it that everyday there was something to do? And yet here in this place far, far larger, I have nothing to do?
Here it is too squishy. I feel like a sardine confined to only the inside of the tin it’s in, and even then I can’t move as a result of the other sardines squishing me from every side. I hate not being able to see the sky because there is constantly a roof over my head and walls confining my every movement. I do not belong here, in this dirty, polluted, small world where you are so close to your neighbour and yet you don’t know them from a bar of soap. This life isn’t right for me; I need a bigger, more open space where I can breathe more openly. This heat gets to my head and makes it foggy, slows me down, stops me thinking. I belong somewhere colder, somewhere greener. Sometimes I feel like a rainforest bird trapped in the desert.
I have never been able to see myself staying in Brisbane my whole life. Even when I was little. And how could I? With a mother that came from England, and before that, Hong Kong, and a father who had travelled all over the world, after them how could I possibly stay in Brisbane? I want to be the foreigner who has to learn all the know-all’s of a place because they did not grow up there. I want to be on my own without the security of knowing where everything is because you have been there your whole life. I want to be away from all of the ones who I love and be independent. Be my own without having to worry about anyone else. No, I know that I will not live my entire life in Brisbane. I am not suited to this place and this place isn’t suited to me.
Perhaps it will be difficult to leave,
But it will be even more difficult to stay.
If I don’t end up in Queenstown, then I know for certain that in the end I will call Melbourne home.
It’s funny that when I leave Mount Beauty, a town with a population of 2,300, and come home to Brisbane, a city with a population of about 2 million, I feel far less at home. I feel confined; I feel like I can’t breathe properly. How is it that everyday there was something to do? And yet here in this place far, far larger, I have nothing to do?
Here it is too squishy. I feel like a sardine confined to only the inside of the tin it’s in, and even then I can’t move as a result of the other sardines squishing me from every side. I hate not being able to see the sky because there is constantly a roof over my head and walls confining my every movement. I do not belong here, in this dirty, polluted, small world where you are so close to your neighbour and yet you don’t know them from a bar of soap. This life isn’t right for me; I need a bigger, more open space where I can breathe more openly. This heat gets to my head and makes it foggy, slows me down, stops me thinking. I belong somewhere colder, somewhere greener. Sometimes I feel like a rainforest bird trapped in the desert.
I have never been able to see myself staying in Brisbane my whole life. Even when I was little. And how could I? With a mother that came from England, and before that, Hong Kong, and a father who had travelled all over the world, after them how could I possibly stay in Brisbane? I want to be the foreigner who has to learn all the know-all’s of a place because they did not grow up there. I want to be on my own without the security of knowing where everything is because you have been there your whole life. I want to be away from all of the ones who I love and be independent. Be my own without having to worry about anyone else. No, I know that I will not live my entire life in Brisbane. I am not suited to this place and this place isn’t suited to me.
Perhaps it will be difficult to leave,
But it will be even more difficult to stay.
If I don’t end up in Queenstown, then I know for certain that in the end I will call Melbourne home.
"I just want to know."
Things happen. And you turn them over and over in your mind, wondering, contemplating, considering different possibilities. Sometimes you can’t think of anything else, except that one thing. And it could be anything; everyone has different things that they think about. It all depends on the person, or the place, or the time, or the situation, or anything else for that matter. Why is it that that one little thing will not leave us alone? You can tell it to go away, and yet it always comes back, if it ever went away at all.
Why do we think, I wonder? Why do we worry or stress? Why is it that our brains allow us to over think things? Surely they should be wired in such a way that those things don’t happen? That’s what evolution is: adapting to best suit the environment that the animal is in. Because that’s all we are after all, just animals adapted to make best use of the environment that we were placed in.
And after you have thought, and thought, and thought again about that little thing, sometimes you realise that it doesn’t matter. You can think all you like, but that’s not going to bring that thought into reality. It’s not going to change the situation. Sometimes you realise that it doesn’t matter if you know or not. Knowing isn’t going to be any use to you, so why are you spending hours agonising over whether it is or it isn’t? Why are you weighing everything up, picking bits from here and there and trying to piece them together to give you an answer? When people say “I just need to know”. Why? Knowing doesn’t make a difference. By having you know doesn’t change the situation.
There’s no point then, in you stressing. In you worrying about whether it is a ye or a nay. What will happen is going to happen and there is no point in you spending all of you energy on worrying.
Don’t stress, it all works out in the end.
Why do we think, I wonder? Why do we worry or stress? Why is it that our brains allow us to over think things? Surely they should be wired in such a way that those things don’t happen? That’s what evolution is: adapting to best suit the environment that the animal is in. Because that’s all we are after all, just animals adapted to make best use of the environment that we were placed in.
And after you have thought, and thought, and thought again about that little thing, sometimes you realise that it doesn’t matter. You can think all you like, but that’s not going to bring that thought into reality. It’s not going to change the situation. Sometimes you realise that it doesn’t matter if you know or not. Knowing isn’t going to be any use to you, so why are you spending hours agonising over whether it is or it isn’t? Why are you weighing everything up, picking bits from here and there and trying to piece them together to give you an answer? When people say “I just need to know”. Why? Knowing doesn’t make a difference. By having you know doesn’t change the situation.
There’s no point then, in you stressing. In you worrying about whether it is a ye or a nay. What will happen is going to happen and there is no point in you spending all of you energy on worrying.
Don’t stress, it all works out in the end.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Bonjour! ... Unfortunately.
I’m back again.
Back to shitty Brisbane.
I remember one time when I was talking to one of my friends in Mount Beauty about Brisbane and he remarked “You really don’t like Brisbane, do you?” No, I really don’t! And I especially don’t after spending the last three weeks in Victoria. If all my friends and family weren’t in Brisbane, trust me, I would already be gone.
Anyway.
The last three weeks would have to be a few of the best weeks of my life. I can’t believe that I was ever worried about going down! This year was 100 times better than last year, and I thought last year was absolutely brilliant! This year we were “initiated” into the Mount Beauty group. I became such good friends with everyone, especially Holly. Holly and I are like two peas in a pod! The things we got up to! Jumping off logs and concrete into the river, swimming down the shallow rapids from the spillway, running around, admiring the HOT runners, making friends with the HOT runners, laughing, joking, exploring, having icing sugar fights, running up and swimming down the river 25 times in a row; basically just getting up to mischief and practically being inseparable. We were the crazy twins who did everything first and had a ball doing it! She was my other half while I was down there, my other crazily insane half, and I know I’m going to miss her a lot.
As for everyone else, well you know I’m going to miss you an unbelievable amount as well. When you live with a group of people for almost three weeks straight, doing everything with them, spending that much time with them, it creates a bond which is hard to break and hard to replicate under different circumstances. The things we did together: numerous trips to Charcoal Chicken and Treats, swimming in the river, going down on the li-los, throwing the wooboba ball, making the two hour trip down the river to Towonga, going to the waterhole, jumping from trees, watching a large number of movies, walking into town, hanging out in the TV room, “That’s mad!”, sleeping out under the stars, talking around the table for hours on end, listening to music, going down from the spillway, all of us getting incredibly brown from all the time we were spending outside, and basically just enjoying each other’s company. So thank-you to Tom, Big Sarah, Holly, Tiylar, Bec, Teague, Ruairidh, Callum, Fred, Tayla, Sarah, Zoe, Josh and Nathan, Sharly-May and Keibie, the runners and York, Ben and Stephen, even though I didn’t get to know you guys very well, and anyone else who made my time in Mount Beauty the best ever.
J'ai appris beaucoup, encore une fois. Je sais que ma famille et moi a beaucoup plus étroites, après avoir passé tellement de temps en compagnie des uns et des autres. J'ai changé une fois de plus, bien entendu ; comment vous n'a pas pu changer ?
I have decided that I absolutely love making new friends. The amount of new friends I made! People who I had never talked to before, people who I enjoyed so much getting to know! I love the unknown and meeting new people is like an adventure in a way. I’ve changed so much from the shy Steph who wouldn’t talk to any strangers, and thank god for that too, because I really didn’t like her very much.
There are so many things I want to say here; some the words won’t come and others can’t be said. I know once again, that I had a wonderful time and it was certainly three weeks well spent. I’m glad that we shall be going again next year, because I loved spending time with my friends there. I shall miss you guys, very much, until next time. I do love you all, and already I miss you very much.
p.s. je sais qu'ici j'ai seulement dit les bonnes choses. Mais le pire vous manquait. J'ai manqué vous chaque seconde de chaque jour. J'ai dit à de nombreuses reprises, si vous étiez bas ici et temps pourrait être suspendu, je serais la plus heureux personne sur terre.
Back to shitty Brisbane.
I remember one time when I was talking to one of my friends in Mount Beauty about Brisbane and he remarked “You really don’t like Brisbane, do you?” No, I really don’t! And I especially don’t after spending the last three weeks in Victoria. If all my friends and family weren’t in Brisbane, trust me, I would already be gone.
Anyway.
The last three weeks would have to be a few of the best weeks of my life. I can’t believe that I was ever worried about going down! This year was 100 times better than last year, and I thought last year was absolutely brilliant! This year we were “initiated” into the Mount Beauty group. I became such good friends with everyone, especially Holly. Holly and I are like two peas in a pod! The things we got up to! Jumping off logs and concrete into the river, swimming down the shallow rapids from the spillway, running around, admiring the HOT runners, making friends with the HOT runners, laughing, joking, exploring, having icing sugar fights, running up and swimming down the river 25 times in a row; basically just getting up to mischief and practically being inseparable. We were the crazy twins who did everything first and had a ball doing it! She was my other half while I was down there, my other crazily insane half, and I know I’m going to miss her a lot.
As for everyone else, well you know I’m going to miss you an unbelievable amount as well. When you live with a group of people for almost three weeks straight, doing everything with them, spending that much time with them, it creates a bond which is hard to break and hard to replicate under different circumstances. The things we did together: numerous trips to Charcoal Chicken and Treats, swimming in the river, going down on the li-los, throwing the wooboba ball, making the two hour trip down the river to Towonga, going to the waterhole, jumping from trees, watching a large number of movies, walking into town, hanging out in the TV room, “That’s mad!”, sleeping out under the stars, talking around the table for hours on end, listening to music, going down from the spillway, all of us getting incredibly brown from all the time we were spending outside, and basically just enjoying each other’s company. So thank-you to Tom, Big Sarah, Holly, Tiylar, Bec, Teague, Ruairidh, Callum, Fred, Tayla, Sarah, Zoe, Josh and Nathan, Sharly-May and Keibie, the runners and York, Ben and Stephen, even though I didn’t get to know you guys very well, and anyone else who made my time in Mount Beauty the best ever.
J'ai appris beaucoup, encore une fois. Je sais que ma famille et moi a beaucoup plus étroites, après avoir passé tellement de temps en compagnie des uns et des autres. J'ai changé une fois de plus, bien entendu ; comment vous n'a pas pu changer ?
I have decided that I absolutely love making new friends. The amount of new friends I made! People who I had never talked to before, people who I enjoyed so much getting to know! I love the unknown and meeting new people is like an adventure in a way. I’ve changed so much from the shy Steph who wouldn’t talk to any strangers, and thank god for that too, because I really didn’t like her very much.
There are so many things I want to say here; some the words won’t come and others can’t be said. I know once again, that I had a wonderful time and it was certainly three weeks well spent. I’m glad that we shall be going again next year, because I loved spending time with my friends there. I shall miss you guys, very much, until next time. I do love you all, and already I miss you very much.
p.s. je sais qu'ici j'ai seulement dit les bonnes choses. Mais le pire vous manquait. J'ai manqué vous chaque seconde de chaque jour. J'ai dit à de nombreuses reprises, si vous étiez bas ici et temps pourrait être suspendu, je serais la plus heureux personne sur terre.
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