Insanity

They tell us we are doing too much. They say we need to learn how to say ‘no’ to something. They say they can see us burning out. They say these things to us but I wonder if they realise just how hard it is to say ‘no’ to things. To say ‘no’ to something that you have been doing for years. To try and do everything at once because each thing is too important to give up.

Yes, they have all been in year twelve before. They all know what it’s like. So I guess they should understand that although we are listening to them when they tell us we need to say ‘no’, we cannot do what they ask. When they were in grade twelve they could have been in the same situation, doing too many things at once. Perhaps they look back now and think that they could have done much better if they had of given up something. But I know that at the time they were in grade twelve they would not have been able to give up anything. And neither can we.

As a result, something suffers. I think deep down you chose what suffers, what you don’t do your best in. If you can’t give up any of the activities you’re in then you must give up something else. Some chose the easy one, school work, and as a result their marks suffered. Some chose the one that the teachers are telling us to give up: a part time job. They did work as many hours as they would have previously done. Some did actually give up some activities that they do, sport, choir or whatever.

I think I chose the hardest one to give up. The one that not many others chose to give up.
I chose to give up my time.
The time I have for myself. The time I have to socialize. The time I have to not worry about anything, the time I have to relax. The time I have for my family and friends.
I think in the end I went just as crazy as those who where under stress because they didn’t start their assignments straight away. Admittedly, I wasn’t that stressed about getting my assignments done. I knew they would be done on time. I wasn’t stressed because I didn’t have enough time because I had plenty of time. I made time.

I planned every minute of every day, right from day one. My plans didn’t include anytime to do nothing. Every single spare minute was devoted to school. I did not waste my time doing things that would not get me the OP score I wanted. I didn’t want to be under stress and not get the absolute best mark I could get in every subject so I used every second of my time towards it. I didn’t realise that I would go crazy anyway. Not having any time to myself meant my brain was constantly working. All I thought about was school. I overworked my brain to the point where it really couldn’t take it anymore. I would literally take about 30 seconds every night to get to sleep because I was just that exhausted. I couldn’t even use that time when you try to get to sleep to just think and do nothing because I didn’t have that time. I think me going crazy was my brain trying to say to me ‘Stop! I need a break!’.

Every time I cried it wasn’t because I was stressed that I wouldn’t get the mark I wanted. No, I cried because I had no time to stop. And it was driving me crazy.

I guess if you’re serious about year twelve, there is no avoiding going crazy. You’re going to go crazy no matter what. I think the trick is to chose the path that will make you go the least amount crazy. For me, that means giving up who I am so that I simply become what I do for school.

But you know what?
I’m willing to give myself up if it means in the end I get to do what I want to do.
Because I would give up everything I had if it meant I get to be what I want to be.

For me, it’s by far worth it.

Metaphorically Speaking,

I realise that I haven’t been blogging for a while. It’s not that I don’t have anything to blog about; I think of a hundred things a day to blog about! No, it’s that these days I don’t feel the need to write these things down. It’s not that I don’t have any problems in my life, quite the opposite really. I think I’ve just grown up a little to realise that voicing these problems isn’t going to make them go away. So I’ll just keep them inside.

I guess it’s saddening in a way because I did enjoy writing the insides of my mind to show other people how I thought, to let them into my mind and see who I am. But these days I just don’t have time to blog. Perhaps I could make time but the things I want to write I don’t feel are that important. So they stay snug and safe inside my head and I guess you will never know what they were.

Maybe it’s that I became afraid of writing everything down. Sometimes I felt that the moment I wrote something down about myself it became not part of me. If you share all you’re secrets then what’s left of you? Just a shell of who you are, a shell because everyone already knows every single thing that was once safe inside you. I suppose your secrets are like your own treasure. Once you tell someone that treasure becomes theirs and you can’t get it back. And once all your treasure is gone only the box that it was kept in is left. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

And besides I hate talking about myself all the time! I’m sure you aren’t interested :P

I am back though, even just briefly, because there is an issue that’s bothering me.

I guess I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice. So I won’t. It’s stupid and selfish and I refuse to let myself think that. I’m being ridiculous and immature and I will not let myself hurt anyone because of this. It’s just not going to happen.

I think I am writing this down to make sure that I don’t do this. I am determined not too and by writing it down I’m making my decision even more set in stone. I’m don’t now, it’s just that I can see that it’s not impossible for me not to.

I guess that’s just what I wanted to do.

Besides,
I’m not going to be a vegetarian.

So there.

Misguided Ghosts

I have a secret.
One that I won’t tell you.

Because it’s my secret.

I’ve kept this secret for a while now.
I’m afraid of telling you, in case you ruin it for me.

Perhaps I am selfish, keeping this secret.
But this secret is what keeps me alive. It keeps me sane when I am in danger of falling apart.
Which is why I’m scared in a way, to tell you this secret.
Because how can I be sure that when it’s no longer my secret, it will still continue to keep me alive?
I can’t know that, not unless I find out.

I guess i’m not going to find out.
Because the stakes, my sanity, are too high.

I may be sorry, that I’m not telling you.
But trust me, you would probably be better off not knowing.

You musn't worry.

You know I love you.
You are one of my best friends, in a different way.

I will support you in whatever you choose, because if it makes you happy then I am also happy.

Keep it from me, tell me, show me, surprise me.
Do what you want,
It won’t change the fact that

I love you.

Bibliography!

i chose to blog it because thats just a simple matter of copy and paste!


Smith, Deb et al. 2006, Chemistry in Use: Book 2, McGraw-Hill, North Ryde, NSW.

Stwertka, Albert. 1998, A Guide to the Elements, Oxford University Press, New York, pg. 99-100.



the second one is the book we borrowed from the library in case you forgot to write it down :)

DEARY DARLINGEST HUBBY!

i only have one question for you! the rest i figured out myself :D

did you work out the equations for Zn + Pb and Zn + Cu??
im thinking just make Zn react with O2 because the white stuff is ZnO and then just do the same for Pb making it PbO2 or whatever it is??

other than that
I AM FINALLY FRICKAN DONEEEEEEEE!!!
for chemisrty anyway.
ive finished english.
physics.. well lets not get me started.
maths.. i hope mr wagner doesnt mind me failing.
and drama. yeah, no.

but at least i shall have chemistry out of the way!

love,
your wifey

The Last Week

There are so many things going on at the moment. Everything is piling up, getting to the very core of you, breaking you down. You crack. You start leaking through the cracks. In essence, you cry. Or you leak through the cracks another way, and you snap at people.

Yesterday I was in the car with my best friend and my dad. Dad said something, something inconsequential that didn’t really matter. And I snapped at him. I totally tore his head off. Why did I do that? Under other circumstances, circumstances that did not include me putting so much pressure on myself, I would have handled it fine. But being under those circumstances I did not. I tell myself that it’s the stress, that’s my excuse. But it shouldn’t be my excuse. I don’t have an excuse for that sort of thing. There is no excuse for being horrible to a person. I need to stop.

I have decided that I don’t want it right now.
Really, I decided that I didn’t want it ages ago.
I suppose I just haven’t had enough time to dwell on this decision, for me to realize that it is how I really and honestly feel.
But now I am just telling you all.
I don’t want it.
And it lifts such a great weight from my shoulders.

Blissfully ignorant.
I chose to be blissfully ignorant. I could have chosen to find out. But I was scared about what I would find. So I was my choice not to know.
So when what I was avoiding was unexpectedly thrust in my face,
It shocked me.
It horrified me.
My world, already not perfect, was shattered and became something far from perfect. I didn’t want to know because I knew it would be bad. But it was worse than what I thought. Far worse.
Trust me, if you don’t know right now, keep it that way. Because not knowing is far better than knowing. And once you know, there is no forgetting.

I guess I did not realize how hard it would be to see your face again.
Just that small blurry picture,
And I was back there again.
I could stay there forever.
I didn’t know what was to come.