It's Not Over

And I’ve always live like this
Keeping a comfortable d i s t a n c e
And up until now I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Cause none of it was ever worth the risk




When I heard those things it broke my heart. You, you aren’t a person who should give up. Perhaps coming from me, who has given up.. But some people aren’t meant to give up.
And you are one of those people.

For me, it’s ok to give up. I don’t mind, I am happy to give up.
But you aren’t.
You are not happy and I can see that. Please don’t give up on it. It’s worth it for you. Not for me, but I am different from you.

Please, just don’t give up.
It doesn’t suit you.

I won't let you be denied

I want to
Reconcile the VIOLENCE in your heart
I want to
Recognise your beauty is not just a mask
I want to
Exorcise the demons from your past
I want to
Satisfy the undisclosed desires
IN YOUR HEART.

It's good to tell someone.
NO ... is the word of the day.
NO.






So it's all sorted.
And it turned out exactly how I planned. Really, it couldn't have gone better. I guess I could say, Thank the Lord.
Thank-you for not hurting me.

Nightmares

In the dream,
we were being our usual selves. Being silly, dancing, singing, not caring.

But then it changed.
The wind and rain came so suddenly we couldn’t get to safety. It just picked us right up and swept us away. Somehow I managed to keep myself from hitting anything. It was like I had control over where I was flying. When the wind finally stopped I hit the ground but got up fine and it was all ok.

Then they came to me.
‘Steph, you have to come,’ they said.
‘Steph, a decision has to be made,’ they said.
A decision about what? I wondered as I followed them inside but then I realised before I got there that I already knew.

I already knew but I didn’t want to see.
I didn’t want to see what I knew I was going to see and yet I knew I couldn’t avoid it.

There were people, our friends, crowding around, some of them crying, others just shocked. I forced myself to look past them.

And there you were. Lying on the ground, broken into a million pieces. Your legs were bent at odd angles and your bones were coming through the skin of your arms. The blood was running down your face and you were sprawled, unable to move.

I came closer to you and you looked up at me. Just looked at me. Your eyes weren’t full of the pain or terror that I expected. No, they were just calm like you had accepted that you were unable to be fixed.

And that’s when I broke too.


I don’t normally have vivid dreams. But this one was vivid. Too vivid.
I am just hoping it doesn’t reflect real life.

Know that I love you.
And I would never give you up for anything.
I would never accept that you couldn’t be fixed.

Insanity

They tell us we are doing too much. They say we need to learn how to say ‘no’ to something. They say they can see us burning out. They say these things to us but I wonder if they realise just how hard it is to say ‘no’ to things. To say ‘no’ to something that you have been doing for years. To try and do everything at once because each thing is too important to give up.

Yes, they have all been in year twelve before. They all know what it’s like. So I guess they should understand that although we are listening to them when they tell us we need to say ‘no’, we cannot do what they ask. When they were in grade twelve they could have been in the same situation, doing too many things at once. Perhaps they look back now and think that they could have done much better if they had of given up something. But I know that at the time they were in grade twelve they would not have been able to give up anything. And neither can we.

As a result, something suffers. I think deep down you chose what suffers, what you don’t do your best in. If you can’t give up any of the activities you’re in then you must give up something else. Some chose the easy one, school work, and as a result their marks suffered. Some chose the one that the teachers are telling us to give up: a part time job. They did work as many hours as they would have previously done. Some did actually give up some activities that they do, sport, choir or whatever.

I think I chose the hardest one to give up. The one that not many others chose to give up.
I chose to give up my time.
The time I have for myself. The time I have to socialize. The time I have to not worry about anything, the time I have to relax. The time I have for my family and friends.
I think in the end I went just as crazy as those who where under stress because they didn’t start their assignments straight away. Admittedly, I wasn’t that stressed about getting my assignments done. I knew they would be done on time. I wasn’t stressed because I didn’t have enough time because I had plenty of time. I made time.

I planned every minute of every day, right from day one. My plans didn’t include anytime to do nothing. Every single spare minute was devoted to school. I did not waste my time doing things that would not get me the OP score I wanted. I didn’t want to be under stress and not get the absolute best mark I could get in every subject so I used every second of my time towards it. I didn’t realise that I would go crazy anyway. Not having any time to myself meant my brain was constantly working. All I thought about was school. I overworked my brain to the point where it really couldn’t take it anymore. I would literally take about 30 seconds every night to get to sleep because I was just that exhausted. I couldn’t even use that time when you try to get to sleep to just think and do nothing because I didn’t have that time. I think me going crazy was my brain trying to say to me ‘Stop! I need a break!’.

Every time I cried it wasn’t because I was stressed that I wouldn’t get the mark I wanted. No, I cried because I had no time to stop. And it was driving me crazy.

I guess if you’re serious about year twelve, there is no avoiding going crazy. You’re going to go crazy no matter what. I think the trick is to chose the path that will make you go the least amount crazy. For me, that means giving up who I am so that I simply become what I do for school.

But you know what?
I’m willing to give myself up if it means in the end I get to do what I want to do.
Because I would give up everything I had if it meant I get to be what I want to be.

For me, it’s by far worth it.

Metaphorically Speaking,

I realise that I haven’t been blogging for a while. It’s not that I don’t have anything to blog about; I think of a hundred things a day to blog about! No, it’s that these days I don’t feel the need to write these things down. It’s not that I don’t have any problems in my life, quite the opposite really. I think I’ve just grown up a little to realise that voicing these problems isn’t going to make them go away. So I’ll just keep them inside.

I guess it’s saddening in a way because I did enjoy writing the insides of my mind to show other people how I thought, to let them into my mind and see who I am. But these days I just don’t have time to blog. Perhaps I could make time but the things I want to write I don’t feel are that important. So they stay snug and safe inside my head and I guess you will never know what they were.

Maybe it’s that I became afraid of writing everything down. Sometimes I felt that the moment I wrote something down about myself it became not part of me. If you share all you’re secrets then what’s left of you? Just a shell of who you are, a shell because everyone already knows every single thing that was once safe inside you. I suppose your secrets are like your own treasure. Once you tell someone that treasure becomes theirs and you can’t get it back. And once all your treasure is gone only the box that it was kept in is left. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

And besides I hate talking about myself all the time! I’m sure you aren’t interested :P

I am back though, even just briefly, because there is an issue that’s bothering me.

I guess I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice. So I won’t. It’s stupid and selfish and I refuse to let myself think that. I’m being ridiculous and immature and I will not let myself hurt anyone because of this. It’s just not going to happen.

I think I am writing this down to make sure that I don’t do this. I am determined not too and by writing it down I’m making my decision even more set in stone. I’m don’t now, it’s just that I can see that it’s not impossible for me not to.

I guess that’s just what I wanted to do.

Besides,
I’m not going to be a vegetarian.

So there.

Misguided Ghosts

I have a secret.
One that I won’t tell you.

Because it’s my secret.

I’ve kept this secret for a while now.
I’m afraid of telling you, in case you ruin it for me.

Perhaps I am selfish, keeping this secret.
But this secret is what keeps me alive. It keeps me sane when I am in danger of falling apart.
Which is why I’m scared in a way, to tell you this secret.
Because how can I be sure that when it’s no longer my secret, it will still continue to keep me alive?
I can’t know that, not unless I find out.

I guess i’m not going to find out.
Because the stakes, my sanity, are too high.

I may be sorry, that I’m not telling you.
But trust me, you would probably be better off not knowing.

You musn't worry.

You know I love you.
You are one of my best friends, in a different way.

I will support you in whatever you choose, because if it makes you happy then I am also happy.

Keep it from me, tell me, show me, surprise me.
Do what you want,
It won’t change the fact that

I love you.