Oh, bother.

Something has been bothering me today.
That's normal I guess, things bother me all the time.

But this 'something' doesn't have a name this time.

If something bothers me, then I fix it.
But how can I fix something if i don't know what it is?






I think I've lost something. Where is it now,
I feel so alone without it,
Alone, all alone.




And as I sit here wallowing in self-pitty,
Taking God's time,
There are people dying,
people hurting.

I have nothing compared to that.






I guess I'm just not good enough.
But I'll do it anyway.






Cause I've seen love die
way too many times,
when it deserves to be alive.

And I've seen you cry
way too many times,
when you deserve to be loved.

I heard her talking about all of those beautiful places and sights that she had seen,






and I literally cried.
I had tears running down my face.








The moment I can,
I'm sorry but,
I'm out of here.

Today, it was suprising

Perhaps it was just not meant to be.















I am sorry none the less.

It's Not Over

And I’ve always live like this
Keeping a comfortable d i s t a n c e
And up until now I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Cause none of it was ever worth the risk




When I heard those things it broke my heart. You, you aren’t a person who should give up. Perhaps coming from me, who has given up.. But some people aren’t meant to give up.
And you are one of those people.

For me, it’s ok to give up. I don’t mind, I am happy to give up.
But you aren’t.
You are not happy and I can see that. Please don’t give up on it. It’s worth it for you. Not for me, but I am different from you.

Please, just don’t give up.
It doesn’t suit you.

I won't let you be denied

I want to
Reconcile the VIOLENCE in your heart
I want to
Recognise your beauty is not just a mask
I want to
Exorcise the demons from your past
I want to
Satisfy the undisclosed desires
IN YOUR HEART.

It's good to tell someone.
NO ... is the word of the day.
NO.






So it's all sorted.
And it turned out exactly how I planned. Really, it couldn't have gone better. I guess I could say, Thank the Lord.
Thank-you for not hurting me.

Nightmares

In the dream,
we were being our usual selves. Being silly, dancing, singing, not caring.

But then it changed.
The wind and rain came so suddenly we couldn’t get to safety. It just picked us right up and swept us away. Somehow I managed to keep myself from hitting anything. It was like I had control over where I was flying. When the wind finally stopped I hit the ground but got up fine and it was all ok.

Then they came to me.
‘Steph, you have to come,’ they said.
‘Steph, a decision has to be made,’ they said.
A decision about what? I wondered as I followed them inside but then I realised before I got there that I already knew.

I already knew but I didn’t want to see.
I didn’t want to see what I knew I was going to see and yet I knew I couldn’t avoid it.

There were people, our friends, crowding around, some of them crying, others just shocked. I forced myself to look past them.

And there you were. Lying on the ground, broken into a million pieces. Your legs were bent at odd angles and your bones were coming through the skin of your arms. The blood was running down your face and you were sprawled, unable to move.

I came closer to you and you looked up at me. Just looked at me. Your eyes weren’t full of the pain or terror that I expected. No, they were just calm like you had accepted that you were unable to be fixed.

And that’s when I broke too.


I don’t normally have vivid dreams. But this one was vivid. Too vivid.
I am just hoping it doesn’t reflect real life.

Know that I love you.
And I would never give you up for anything.
I would never accept that you couldn’t be fixed.